Bono And U2′s Towering Inferno

I thought I was going to have a very exciting photographic essay for you today, but a combination of bad directions and bad timing proved to be two insurmountable obstacles. Oh well, it’ll have to wait until next week…but hey, the new layout looks good, right? And I promise you, from this moment on, the address of this page will not change ever again. Never. It can’t change. This is it. Update your bookmarks and sidebars and RSS feed readers. Okay? Good.

I am loving this news story Jack alerted me to. Last month I wrote about Bono And The Tale Of The Horrible Broadway Musical. I was jubilant when I learned that Paul David Hewson (AKA Bono Vox, AKA Bono) had attached his name to the highest-budget Broadway musical in history, and the press deemed it a complete failure. Why? Because Spiderman…The Musical…is a horrible fucking idea, and might be the biggest theatrical flop ever, and Bono is involved. He’s going to have to eat shit again, just like when he received $100 Million dollars from several major corporations to create an anti-AIDS brand that wound up raising less than one-fifth of that amount in donations from the public. Whoops! Now Bono’s stupid Broadway musical with a fifty-million dollar budget will have to run for 8,000 years (or about 7,980 years more than The Phantom Of The Opera, the longest running Broadway musical ever) just to break even.

Today’s Bono news item could be the funniest yet. Ireland, which is responsible for some of the world’s greatest accomplishments (Bushmills Black Bush, Seamus Heaney, hot white bitches with names like McEat-me-out or O’Whatever-your-tits-look-great), invested $250 million dollars into building what would be the tallest skyscraper in the country. This supposed “tallest building in Ireland” would stand 120-180 meters in height, and consist of one-, two- and three-bedroom apartments. The name of the building? U2 Tower. Oh yeah, and there would be a recording studio built into the top two levels of the structure that U2 could use to record more of their shitty music.

Alas, Ireland’s economy is in the toilet right now (probably trying to squeeze out another Bono), so the construction process has been suspended indefinitely. I love Ireland, and if anyone in Ireland is reading this, I hope you won’t take offense…but this is great news. Ten months ago I postulated that “Everyone Bono Touches Turns To Turds”, and I think we can all agree now that I was 100% correct. What has Bono been involved with lately that hasn’t failed miserably?

Seriously, put aside the fact that Bono is a Grammy Award winner. Forget about how U2 albums sell millions of copies worldwide. Album sales are not the mark of a respectable (or even talented) musician. Hootie And The Blowfish sold sixteen million copies of Cracked Rear View, the 13th best selling album ever in America. Shania Twain recorded an album that has sold 10 million copies more than the highest selling U2 album, The Joshua Tree, which finally reached ten million copies sold this year following yet another another reissue intended to steal money from casual fans. Disregard U2′s elaborate stage shows for stadium crowds that use ridiculous, carnival-like atmospheres to detract from the music does not translate. Bono is a talentless hack fronting a band who ripped off cutting-edge New Wavers nearly 30 years ago, and who are now ripping off whatever talentless douches are gracing the cover of Rolling Stone this month. Shit like The Killers, a bands I’ve never even heard before but I think they’re sorta known as a modern pop-rock band, so whatever. The point is, U2 has, for almost three decades, produced boring, cliched, lifeless music that has pretty much mimicked (poorly) whatever musical trends are popular at the time of their release.

I could go on for hours, and I haven’t even mentioned this scandal about Bono vacationing on his yacht with some whorish NYU girl while his stupid wife sits at home growing fatter and more disillusioned by her retard husband.

At the end of the day, Bono has accomplished absolutely nothing since Boy came out in 1980. And since It is my life’s goal to singlehandedly tarnish his reputation, I cannot be happier that this stupid U2 Tower will never be built. Fuck Bono. Fuck him in his stupid Irish face. I challenge any of you to defy my logic and prove that Bono deserves anything more than our collective scorn. If you don’t hate Bono, than…well…I hate you.