The wallet has been returned to its rightful owner. I did not receive any reward. Why? Because the only money Mr. Genius had on him was the $100 bill in his newly found wallet. As we stood outside my apartment chatting idly, he asked if I could break $100. I said, “Dude, I haven’t seen a hundred dollar bill since my last Christmas bonus at my last job before I moved to L.A. two years ago. I’m perpetually broke.” His response was to give me his business card and e-mail him. What the fuck am I going to do, e-mail him and write, “Hey, this is Evan. Can I have some money?” No! That would be pathetic! So, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there will be no reward for this kind act of mine, and I need to deal with it.
I think I’ve fixed the avatar problem. For those of you who created accounts to leave comments on this page, if you sign into your account there should now be an area in your profile editor (at the very bottom) which allows you to upload any image from your hard drive to act as your avatar.
Now here’s the news!
A group of students at Rice University is trying to use genetic engineering to create a beer that contains resveratrol, the chemical in wine that has been shown to reduce cancer and heart disease (in lab rats). I guess that’s a pretty noble idea, and I for one welcome any advancements in beer technology that are also beneficial to my health. I just hope that they’re trying to create beers that taste good, and they’re not going to only modify shit like Bud and Pabst to contain reseveratrol. Why should only redneck crackers from receive the benefits of cancer-free and heart-disease-free lives? Let’s put that resveratrol in some craft beers, so that the intelligent beer drinkers can reap the rewards. Could you imagine if AleSmith Nautical Nut Brown Ale could reduce cancer and heart disease? I’d have to seriously consider giving up soda and just drinking that beer all the time. [story]
Prehistoric South American tribes created equipment to prepare hallucinogenic drugs for sniffing, or so says the Daily Telegraph. Two archeologists studying in the Caribbean found ceramic bowls and tubes for inhaling drug fumes or powders during the years 400BC and 100BC. The best part of this article is the inlaid photograph of a caveman, whose caption is, “Stone Age man as seen in the BBC series Walking With Cavemen“. Look at that fucking caveman. He looks baked out of his mind! Of course he was a drug addict. He’s dirty, and his hair is all gross and knotted, he’s got that 1,000-yard stare…he’s fucking high, man. I see dudes like that all over Los Angeles. It took archeologists this long to figure out that human drug history stretches back into very, very ancient times? Jesus, maybe I should become an archeologist. I’m way smarter than these assholes. [story]
Speaking of drugs, there’s a BBC News story about a new drug that “tricks the body into burning off fat even when on a high-fat diet.” It’s called SRT1720, which sounds very synthetic and thus potentially as dangerous as ecstasy or meth. So..uh…I’ve signed up to participate in the first human clinical trials…you know…just to see what it’s all about, and if it’s as good as other “weight loss” drugs. [story]
Leave it to Podcast Jack to e-mail me an article called “The Stink in Farts Controls Blood Pressure”. Who would have ever thought that an article published on the Live Science website would contain the opening sentence, “The smelly rotten-egg gas in farts controls blood pressure in mice, a new study finds.” It’s a nice and accurate description of the horrid scent, but…who the fuck cares about mice. And who knew that mice had “smelly rotten-egg” farts? Did scientists spend considerable time sniffing the asses of mice in big expensive laboratories? If so, can we fire all those creepy fucks and install some real scientists? I’d much rather our scientific community worry about curing diseases than sniffing mouse farts. Wouldn’t you? [story]
There’s a portal that connects the Earth to the sun, but I wouldn’t use it if I were you, it gets pretty hot near the sun. [story
I was just looking through my Bookmarks Menu for the next article to review, and I came across that "How do I protect my little girl from a society that sexualizes children!?" article, and I remembered that the author, Ulrika Jonsson, has a sex tape! Apparently she dated a footballer who taped himself banging the MILF-ish newscaster, but destroyed the tape after she took out an injunction preventing him from selling the video. Now if only I can stay alive for another ten years, maybe I can live to see her 8-year-old daughter's eventual sex tape! [Ulrika Jonsson Wiki]
Leave it to a bunch of brain-dead retards from San Francisco to gather near the Golden Gate Bridge to ponder the supposed 12/21/2012 “end of the world” scenario. Can you seriously believe that there are people out there who believe this horse shit? Even in the beginning stages of a recession, people paid $300 to attend the 2012 Conference, where they contemplated our last days on Earth. This is just pathetic. Believing that a particular date will be the end of the world ought to classified as a mental illness, if it isn’t already. The end of the world is not coming, and may never come, and if it does, we’ll all be long, long dead before it happens. [story]
“A fruit bat with a wingspan of more than five feet has made a spectacular return from the brink of extinction.” Even though 95% of its habitat was destroyed in the ’90s, the bats numbers are now expected to be somewhere between 22,000 and 35,000. It just goes to show, if mother nature and human fuck-ups can’t kill a bat, they’re certainly not going to kill all humans. [story]
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