Screw the recession! There’s riches to be made! CNN and CareerBuilder.com are still furiously fingering each other’s brain holes (that’s a more polite term for a vagina! I think? …) in an attempt to provide even dumber articles about life and employment and money. To see the world through the same lens that these websites use would surely lead to a beautiful and optimistic worldview, where every job is available to anybody at any time, and the pay is always g-r-r-reat! For example, did you know that there are some career opportunities that could double your annual income if your income hovers around the national median of $40,690? Wait a minute, I barely make a quarter of that amount! Fuck! Maybe I should take CareerBuilder and CNN’s advice and apply for more jobs in the…uh…”Associate actuary” or “Risk management supervisor” or “Petroleum engineer” fields. Wait a minute, I can’t — I don’t know what the fuck two of those things do, and I most definitely didn’t earn an engineering degree in college. Way to not help again, CNN and CareerBuilder! You guys suck! [story]

“In the city of Homestead, Florida sits a strange stone structure created by eccentric Edward Leedskalnin. No one really knows why it was built or how, but considering each of the megalithic coral stones weigh more than most men could move alone, the emergence of the Coral Castle remains an impressive mystery.” That opening paragraph might sound like the little speech Nigel Tufnel gave right before Spinal Tap performed “Stonehenge” in front of their 18″ scale model, but it’s actually the beginning of some news story I couldn’t really be bothered to read. The castle is kind of pretty though…in a totally-masculine, assuredly-heterosexual way. [story]

From Sports Illustrated, “A 16-year-old schoolgirl is making a unique pitch to become the first woman to play professional baseball in Japan.” Her name is Eri Yoshida (I looked her up, I don’t think she’s on Rapebook — I mean, Facebook), and she throws a side-arm knuckleball. She’s 5-feet tall and weighs 114 pounds, so she’s slightly overweight. She’ll probably continue down this destructive “fat” path and turn lesbian before she ever comes close to throwing her first pitch as a professional. At that point, the only “knuckle” she’ll be throwing will be at the clit of her mutually obese partner, who will undoubtedly school Eri in the ways of oral sex on another woman. At that point, any hope of a successful baseball career will be lost. She’ll have a better chance of making Nazi porn or a Russian baby porno than playing for a Major League team. And that’s why women can’t play sports. They’re either too fat, too gay, or a little of both. [story]

November 19th was World Toilet Day! Nicci sent me a reminder, but I haven’t written a news update since then, so I forgot to share the news with you. The purpose of the holiday is, “a call to action for people to demand clean toilets for all.” It seems like a good idea to me … I loathe public restrooms, and yet I often have to use them because I consume a lot of water and soda. In any event, there are at least ten ways to celebrate World Toilet Day, because one of Conde Nast’s websites devised a top ten list. Check it out for yourself! [story]

CNN and CareerBuilder published a total of three new articles since the last Swan Fungus news update. Here’s a great one called “What says ‘hire me!’ to employers.” Then they rattle of different bits of advice, none of which probably work, because I’ve tried them all and I don’t have a real job. Unfortunately, the article doesn’t contain a list of things not to talk about during a job interview. It could say, for example, that hateful women, public mound tattoos, and songs about rape are off limits. Maybe there are people out there (myself included) who need to be explicitly told not to mention Gail Simmons boobs, or tell a Gail Simmons-looking girl in the workplace that she should take her top off and show you her Gail Simmons nipples. Someone needs to tell me not to ask a potential boss, “what is moldymen?” Instead, we get bullshit like “Keep your responses job-related” and “Show, don’t tell.” Gee, thanks a lot, but I learned all that in my English 101 class! [story]

Here’s a creepy article about the top ten unknown serial killers throughout history. I think it’s horrible, but I’m also eerily intrigued by all the stories. Maybe that explains why I like bands like Brainbombs and Whitehouse. I think I saw a television program about vampires that focused on Elizabeth Bathory. Some historian felt like maybe she was a vampire. According to this article she killed anywhere from 36 to 200 people. The description of her crimes does not mention sex with children, but it states that Bathory especially liked to burn, bite and mutilate her victims’ genitals. Sounds like a vampire to me! Now, if only that vampire movie I saw last weekend had more genitals…it might not of sucked so hard. How hard? As hard as Michael Ian Black sucks. [story]

Lastly, your final CNN / CareerBuilder article for this week: “25 best cities to find a job.” I secretly hoped that New York was on the list, because it would justify my secret desire to find a well-paying job and finally get started with my life…but the list contains places like, Rapid City (South Dakota), Casper (Wyoming), Billings (Montana), Des Moines (Iowa), Lincoln (Nebraska), and Missoula (Montana). Yeah, I’ve been to all those places, and from what I can tell, pretty much the only job opportunities they had were crystal meth-related. Do you really find it hard to believe that the most available jobs are in places like Idaho, North Dakota and Wyoming? Its because nobody wants to live there (sorry Gretchen, I know you love Gillette and I’ve been there too and it looked rather quaint)! If CNN and CareerBuilder ever write an article that actually says something helpful, I’ll stop poking fun at them…but so far all of their articles are horrible. [story]

And now for the big reveal: all the italicized words/phrases used in today’s blog post were taken from a Google Analytics chart of the 100 most commonly used search engine keywords that have pointed people to the Swan Fungus blog! Some of the phrases that I could not find ways to fit into this entry deserve an honorable mention. Had I a few more minutes of time to locate a good place to make a stupid joke, one or all of these search terms could have led to many laughs. They are: indie rock sucks and baby boomer do not want to retire and sex v and voltron porn and, of course, the phrase which has become something of a mantra here at Swan Fungus…the phrase I try to incorporate into every single blog post I write…Skeet Ulrich cock.

Until next time, kids! This is Evan LeVine saying, “Keep Google searching with utterly retarded terms and I’ll keep finding ways to include them in my blog posts!”

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