Don’t trust the veggies, this market is one of the world’s twenty most dangerous places, apparently.

Have you heard the one about the boy with the extra set of teeth? His mother wrote a piece for MSNBC about the prevalence of this unnatural occurrence. Reading about the discovery of the extra teeth reminded me of a story from my own life, and yes, it deals with having extra teeth.

When I was eight years old, I had one of six-year molars removed. Why? Because a cyst had grown over the tooth, leaving it impacted and unable to move. A few years later, a simple laser procedure (which was really cool by the way, because the oral surgeon got me high on nitrous) moved the twelve-year molar into the six-year molars spot. The last oral surgery planned for my life would move the wisdom tooth from that area of my mouth into the spot of the twelve-year molar, giving me a normal and equal set of teeth. When I was a sophomore in high school I went for my consultation before the wisdom tooth removal. The surgeon told me that I’d actually grown five wisdom teeth instead of four. I felt like such a freak. The guy even asked me, “What are you, a fish?” That’s how he broke the news about my extra tooth. I’m still embarrassed by the whole thing, which is quite inexplicable considering I’m telling the world about it right now. The surgery was a success; four of the five wisdom teeth were removed. I know have a relatively normal mouth to match my relatively normal everything else. I guess that little boy with three sets of teeth will one day grow up to be just like me. [story]

CNN has an article explaining “five ways to avoid germs while traveling”. Sit by the front of the airplane. Don’t drink coffee or tea on an airplane. Sanitize your hands after leaving an airplane bathroom. Wash or sanitize your hands after getting off an escalator. Wash or sanitize your hands after using an ATM. First of all, what kind of airplane has escalators and ATMs? Is this some kind of futuristic airplane? Is there an actual Sky Mall in the airplane with the escalator and the ATM? That’s the most pathetic attempt at writing an informative article since the last pathetic CNN/CareerBuilder article, or any CNN article for that matter. I’ll give you five ways to avoid germs while traveling. Sanitize your hands after you take a shit. Sanitize your hands before every meal. Take vitamins with you. Avoid breathing in other people’s coughs or sneezes. Don’t blow any Thai transvestite prostitutes. Better yet, don’t blow any foreign tranny prostitutes. Don’t use public phones. Don’t eat any weird local delicacies. Don’t drink tap water. That’s nine ways to avoid germs while traveling. Hire me CNN. I won’t let you down. [story]

Here’s a list of the thirty greatest conspiracy theories of all time. It’s broken down into two parts, each with fifteen theories. Unfortunately, apocalyptic theories like that of 2012 are nowhere to be found on the list? Why? Because people fear for their lives every single time one of those magical dates approaches, and then everyone likes to claim they didn’t think anything would happen the very next day. I’ll bet at least five of you reading this believe those bullshit theories about the end of the world. It’s alright, I don’t think any less of you. Oh wait, yes I do. [story]

Heath Ledger The Joker is dead, so now I guess Grant Morrison wants to kill off Batman. I’ve never read a single issue of the comic book, I just wanted to find an excuse to make another Heath-Ledger-is-dead joke. [story]

The Daily Telegraph has published a list of the twenty most dangerous places. Shockingly, Iraq and Afghanistan are at the top of the list. Really? Why isn’t Camden, New Jersey at the top of the list? Where’s East St. Louis? Where’s South Central, LA? I’ll bet you those guys could kill a bunch of starving Africans from Eritrea or whatever and take over that whole continent. I’d sooner go to Israel or Lebanon than step foot in Compton. The last time I was there was one of the most frightening nights of my life. [story]

Lastly, here’s another “beer is good for you” article from MSN. They provide six more reasons (other than beer’s cardiovascular benefits) to drink beer. There’s a new non-alcoholic beer that reduces hot flashes in menopausal women. There’s an antioxidant in hops that might stunt the growth of prostate cancer. A second antioxidant in hops helps soothe chronic inflammation. People who reported drinking one or two beers a day have higher bone-mineral densities than those who do not. Beer also contains some B vitamins, and certain brews have soluble fiber, which might help reduce cholesterol. Although the article reports that dark-colored beers don’t contain more antioxidants than light-colored beers, I still suggest tossing out those faggy pale ales that taste like piss. Leave those for the frat boys and high schoolers to drink. The big kids on the playground all drink finely crafted brews, the closer to oil in color the better. Try Bell’s Expedition Stout. That’ll put some hair on your chest, son. [story]

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