Loading ...Guest Blogger Pat Shares An E-Mail
By Evan ~ November 20th, 2008. Filed under: guest writer.
I’ve spent the last seven hours staring at my computer and searching for something to write about, and I could not think of anything. Maybe this is because my family killed my dog today, and I’m feeling blue. They didn’t kill him really, an infection killed him, but they chose to put him down rather than let him slip into a coma and die. So I asked my friend Pat to write something for me. Pat is well-known for his anti-government, anti-everything attitude. He’s also the genius who created this Super Bowl YouTube commercial last year. I hope you’ll give Pat the same respect you have shown Ian and Sam and anyone else whose isn’t me who has written a post here. Even if Pat hates Jews.
Lastly, one review of last night’s episode of Top Chef stated that Gail Simmons of Food & Wine magazine looked like train-wreck. This is good news for me, because it means I have less competition to fight against in the battle to win her honor (and her luscious tits).
“First of I’d like to thank Evan for allowing me to guest blog, on his blog today. I hope I’m not annoying, and I really hope that you guys like me.
Here’s something funny I got in the E-mail today. It’s sorta of one of those funny-not-funny work E-mails, which makes it depressing because I feel when someone sends me a joke at work through E-mail, it reminds me of the fact that I’m enslaved. Just like the rest of modern civilization. The act of getting and receiving those silly E-mails from someone at work, or that contain something work-related is like how Jews passed each other little jokes scribbled on shards of toilet paper they saved while they were in the Holocaust. Well — not in the Holocaust — in the concentration camps. These emails are like that. I understand the plight of those Jews back then, that’s why I’m so honored to write for Evan’s blog today… Wait, what?
Below is an actual complete email conversation that Gavin Markus recently had with Verizon Wireless with regard to Gavin’s payment of an overdue bill.
From: Michelle DeMoines
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: Gavin Markus (mynameisgavin@hotmail.com)
Subject: Overdue account (617) 555-5555Dear Gavin,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely,
Michelle DeMoines
From: Gavin Markus
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Michelle DeMoines (M.DeMoines@vzw.com)
Subject: Re: Overdue account (617) 555-5555Dear Michelle,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so I trust that this settles the matter.
Regards,
Gavin.
From: Michelle DeMoines
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: Gavin Markus (mynameisgavin@hotmail.com)
Subject: Overdue account (617) 555-5555Dear Gavin,
Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears in the amount of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely,
Michelle DeMoines
From: Gavin Markus
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Michelle DeMoines (M.DeMoines@vzw.com)
Subject: Re: Overdue account (617) 555-5555Dear Michelle,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.
Regards,
Gavin.
From: Michelle DeMoines
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: Gavin Markus (mynameisgavin@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account (617) 555-5555Dear Gavin,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?Yours sincerely, Michelle DeMoines
From: Gavin Markus
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Michelle DeMoines (M.DeMoines@vzw.com)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account (617) 555-5555Dear Michelle,
Yes please.
Regards, Gavin.
From: Michelle DeMoines
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: Gavin Markus (mynameisgavin@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account (617) 555-5555Attached
From: Gavin Markus
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Michelle DeMoines (M.DeMoines@vzw.com)
Subject: Whose spider is that?Dear Michelle,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
Regards, Gavin.
From: Michelle DeMoines
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: Gavin Markus (mynameisgavin@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?Dear Gavin, Yes it is the same drawing. All I did was copy and paste it from the email you sent me on the 8th. Gavin your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible to avoid any additional late fees.
Yours sincerely,
Michelle DeMoines
From: Gavin Markus
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Michelle DeMoines (M.DeMoines@vzw.com)
Subject: Automated Out of Office ResponseThank you for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, trying to hook up with hot 19 year olds. I will be back next week. If this is truly an emergency, or regarding an overdue bill sorry you will have to wait. Any hot 19-20 year olds trying to get a hold of me should just come over.
Regards, Gavin.
From: Gavin Markus
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Michelle DeMoines (M.DeMoines@vzw.com)
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realize with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb omission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
Regards, Gavin.
From: Michelle DeMoines
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: Gavin Markus (mynameisgavin@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?Dear Gavin,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lieu of money for accounts outstanding. We accept checks, bank checks, money order or cash at Verizon Wireless stores. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
Yours sincerely,
Michelle DeMoines
From: Gavin Markus
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Michelle DeMoines (M.DeMoines@vzw.com)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it. Before I make payment though, would you be interested in something, which unlike the drawing of a spider, does have actual value, like a pair of my used true religions jeans. They just need to be washed and the rips and stains are minimal and only add to their uniqueness.
Regards, Gavin.
From: Michelle DeMoines
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: Gavin Markus (mynameisgavin@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?No.
Attached
Funny right? Hell yeah, that made me laugh. Laughing is what gets me through the bullshit the Jewish banking cabal have us up against. Not to say anything is wrong with all Jewish bankers. In fact 91 of them are not TOTAL assholes.
Well, thats all my time, I hope you’ve enjoyed my little rant. I don’t know how it got into Jews, It just did. I love you. Person reading this, I love you…”
November 21st, 2008 at 1:00 am
This is so weird. My sister just sent me that forward with the spider bill payer and now I’m reading it HERE. Sorry about your dog.
November 21st, 2008 at 7:20 pm
pretty good photoshop of that extra leg. top marks.
November 21st, 2008 at 10:39 pm
ditto on the dog ev, sorry man!
that was a fucking funny post though. bravo!
mike m
November 24th, 2008 at 4:39 am
Sorry about your dog :-(. I know it sucks… two summers ago we had to put the older of our two greyhounds to sleep. The appointment was in the afternoon and I spent all day with her at home, then took her to the vet along with my dad and sister. It was probably one of the most miserable days of my life.
Must end comment now, or else will cry.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:22 pm
[...] It seems like just like week my friend Pat asked to contribute an entry to my blog. I thought he was going to deliver something fantastically vociferous in tone; maybe he’d pen a rant about something cultural or political. Instead, he submitted an e-mail he received earlier that day. If you are not a regular visitor to this site, you can view Pat’s post by clicking here. [...]