Loading ...Top Chef Returns Tomorrow
By Evan ~ November 11th, 2008. Filed under: daily life.
A new season of Top Chef begins tomorrow evening, exactly five months after the last one ended. Remember when I live-blogged the finale, drunk? Remember how I accidentally clicked on Wikipedia and saw who won five minutes before the episode started? Me too. Ordinarily I would make it my business to be at home in front of the television for a momentous occasion like the new season premiere, but I’m pretty sure that shooting pool at a networking event takes precedence. I mean, I need a better job — one with a salary — way more than I need to watch a television show. Still, I’m excited for Top Chef. Would you like to know why? I’ll tell you why. I’m excited because each week of the show is one less week until the new season of LOST begins (January 21st! Two-hour premiere!).
My enjoyment of Top Chef is not derived from watching talented individuals prepare yummy-looking meals. I’ve never once thought, “Mmm, that sous-vide meat with the Ras el Hanout spices and Foie Gras sure looks tasty!” In fact, I don’t even know why I watch Top Chef. I hate food. Eating has always been and will always be a chore for me; it is something I have to do to survive. I started watching the show during Season 2 because they were showing a marathon one day while I was working out (I used to work out!) and it helped pass the time. Then I realized that, upon returning to my house, I was still watching the show. Before I knew it, I hadn’t left the couch all day. Since Bravo! was airing the finale that night, I decided to ditch my friends and stay home to watch. With my mother. It was probably the gayest day of my life. I’ve seen every episode of every season since then, and I still don’t know why I like it.
It might have something to do with the fact that I envy people who find joy in food and eating. The only foods that makes me happy are a really good pizza or a really good bacon double-cheeseburger. Maybe a wicked omelet…I don’t know. The point is, I’m jealous of how into food the contestants, judges, and audience are. Another reason I watch Top Chef might be because I feel like I’m exploring a distant galaxy. Watching people prepare and eat food turns me into a stranger in a strange land. I simply cannot fathom what I’m seeing. It’s like, “Wait a minute, you can eat a duck? When the fuck did that happen!?” There’s something about watching chefs cook food that makes me feel like I’m trying to solve an impossible theorem. When I’m trying to wrap my head around a dish I see cooked on Top Chef, I feel like that guy who jumps out of planes into the middle of the jungle and has to find his way back to civilization with just a knife and his wits. Or, I might just like the show because Gale Simmons of Food & Wine magazine has an amazing rack and I not-so-secretly want to bone her. Did you know Wikipedia gives women’s measurements? Apparently Gail Simmons measures 36-25-35. Damn, woman!
Whatever my reasons may be, I’m a fan of Top Chef, and look forward to the new season. With any luck, I won’t have to watch another Ass-face like Lisa (Season 4). With any luck, the cast of seventeen contestants this season will not be as inane as last season’s “Bad News Bears.” With any luck, they won’t even remotely resemble last year’s annoying gunt noshers. With any luck, Gail Simmons of Food & Wine magazine will read this and send me a topless photo of her glorious chest. With any luck, you’re still here reading this, my final sentence.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:54 am
I’m sure Top Chef is not as lame as it sounds. I’ve actually seen a few episodes with Tony Bourdain (one more reason the East beats the West). But I have to break your heart by a month, Evan. LOST returns January 21st. At least we’ll get an extra hour of the show with a clip-filled trip through seasons 1-4 before. So we will have a new President (Thank God!) before we see new shots of Jack, Locke, Kate, Dead (?) Jin, and the rest. But it will be worth it!
November 12th, 2008 at 11:24 am
You’re absolutely right. I knew that, too! For some reason I had a mind fart and put December. It’s probably a good thing LOST returns in two months because the conflicting Wednesday night schedules is going to be a bitch. At least we get about 10 episodes of Top Chef in before LOST takes over.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:52 am
It seems like your reaction to food is the same reaction people would have to your views on music. The passion’s there, but they just don’t get why anyone would listen to something called “Rapeman”. Was the Top Chef review in return for the banner ad?
November 12th, 2008 at 11:57 am
I think most of the people who visit this page do so because of my views on music. But what do I know, I just have comprehensive stats that show referral pages and the percentage of people who use them to get to this page.
If all my traffic and advertising money was derived from the people who come here specifically to hear me rant like an asshole…well, there wouldn’t be any audience and there wouldn’t be any advertising money.
Also, the Top Chef ad showed up this morning, as placed by Google’s awesome AdSense program. I had nothing to do with it.
I did grant SanDisk’s Slot Music ads permission to advertise on this page last night, even though I think it’s the most moronic idea in the history of the recording industry.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I actually come here both for the ranting like an asshole and the music. I really enjoy the site.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Oh, well then. Thanks! And thank you for your donation Erik — you’ve more than earned yourself a ‘Thank You’ note.
November 12th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
my wife and kids watch that gayass show. by degrees i got dragged into it, and i’m ashamed to admit that i am looking forward to the new season.
oh, and i’m here for the rants/writing.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
I come here for that Ben Sherman ad.
cough
November 13th, 2008 at 1:05 am
Dude you would think that by now that girl would offer to blow me considering how much free publicity I’ve given her. But nooooooooooo, she doesn’t even know I exist!