1st Annual Swan Fungus Holiday Contestâ„¢

Do you see that! It’s a concert poster fully autographed by The Jesus Lizard! My boss lovingly donated it to me this week so that I could use it for a holiday giveaway on my website! Well, that’s not exactly how it went down. I asked him how much he was going to sell it for and he answered laughingly, “Why, do you want it?” I said, “Yeah! It’s the Jesus Lizard!” and he said, “People actually care about them? Take it!” So I did.

The poster was designed to promote a show on the band’s Shot tour, which was admittedly a not-so-good era for the Jesus Lizard. The show was held at the Vic Theater, and as you can see they were supported by two amazing bands, Six Finger Satellite and the sadly-overlooked Skeleton Key. The poster was personalized to the infamous Hollywood record store Aron’s, which closed about three years ago. All your favorite Jesus Lizard members are there! David Yow! David Wm. Sims! Duane Denison! Mac McNeilly! Unfortunately, I’m not going to ship this thing in the frame, as that would be cost prohibitive. Still, it’s going to look awesome once it’s hanging in your opium den or rape parlor or wherever the hell you choose hang your old concert memorabilia.

So, by now you’re probably wondering, “What do I have to do to win this fucking amazing piece of rock music history?” Well, funny you should ask. I just had of a great idea (for the first time in…ever).

How To Gain Entry: Each contestant must complete the following two tasks. First, I want you to draw a picture of what you think I look like. As your fearless leader, your field commander, and your hero, I expect nothing short of perfection from the lot of you. Everybody knows that pictures are funnier than words, because the good ones are worth at least one hundred words. That said, the second rule is that you must include a brief description of why your drawing embodies who I am as a person. For example, if you draw me wearing a dress and holding a copy of Violater, you could include the caption, “Q: What’s the hardest part about being a Depeche Mode fan? A: Telling your parents you’re a fag.”

Looking me up on a social networking website and drawing an exact replica of my face is not how you will win this contest. Be creative! You come to this website because you feel marginalized by the inanities of society, so express your originality, don’t pretend you’re Leonardo DaVinci or some shit!

The ten best drawings (God, I hope at least ten people submit drawings) will be posted one week from today, on December 22nd, which is the first night of Chanukah. Then, Swan Fungus readers will have the opportunity to vote for the drawing and caption they like the most. I will announce the winner three days later, on Christmas Day. I will only accept one entry per reader. Please e-mail a large scan of your drawing, the explanation, your full name and mailing address to contest@swanfungus.com.