I drove to the Borders at Sunset and Vine today in an attempt to locate some last minute holiday gifts for friends and family. I left the store empty-handed. Oh well, I guess there’s always next year, right? If I’m going to be giving people Christmas or Hanukkah gifts several weeks late, I might as well just hold off and wait until next year, right?

Anyway, when I looked at my cell phone to see what time it was, I noticed that I had an hour to kill before I needed to be at work. I walked around the corner and saw Game Spot. That’s when I had the brilliant idea to buy a new Wii game for Nicci’s roommates. I mean, I can only endure so much Mario Kart before I begin to tire. I walked into the store and began studying their section of used Wii games. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that there was a new version of Monkey Ball for Wii. It’s called Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz. The box promised 50 new party games, so I figured it was worth the $19.99. First I had to make sure that the game-makers kept my favorite Monkey Ball mini-game ever: Monkey Target. I excitedly flipped through the games manual, glossing over the other 49 games until I found it. Monkey Target! Oh, how I’ve missed you!

Without hesitation, I purchased Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz. The next seven hours were torturous. Luckily, when I arrived at their house my excitement was met with enthusiasm by both Tom and Nicci. We decided to try all the unlocked party games to get ourselves accustomed to the game. Then I had the bright idea to write this review!

Monkey Race is the stupid man’s version of Mario Kart. Monkey Snowboard is the even stupider man’s version of Monkey Race. Monkey Wars was like a Monkey version of Halo. Even though these three games are kind of shitty, they are definitely not the worst party games you can choose from. Monkeysmith (where your monkey hammers a piece of iron when commanded), Monkey Simon Says, Monkey Free Throw, and Monkey Golf, on the other hand, are so ridiculously hard and confusing I’d be amazed if anybody could generate a respectable score playing them.

Monkey Rock, Paper Scissor, Monkey Paper Sumo Fighter and Monkey Red Light Green Light are three of the most retarded games ever invented, as far as I’m concerned.

Monkey Fencing, Monkey Squash and Monkey Hovercraft Battle left me undecided as to whether or not they suck.

Monkey Darts is hit or miss (pun intended!). Monkey Home Run Derby was difficult because the pitches are too fast. Monkey High Wire Act is stupid.

Monkey Jump Rope was really simple, and boring. So too was Monkey Hurdle Race.

Monkey Boxing was lame. So was Monkey Jigsaw Puzzle, but Nicci liked it because she won.

Monkey Bowling is pretty good, it’s a game you can actually get the hang of, just like Monkey Hovercraft Race (not to be confused with Monkey Hovercraft Battle). Monkey Hammer Throw is easily the best game.

As for my sweet, sweet Monkey Target — they totally changed the game! Instead of rolling down an incline to begin play, your monkey is shot out of a canon. That would seem to make it quite difficult to generate any forward progress. I didn’t even make it to the first target, and if this version of the game is anything like the old version, there are two targets still further ahead! I can’t believe I told Matt he should move to LA so we could revive our Super Monkey Ball rivalry. Oh, how foolish I would have looked if he’d shown up at my doorstep with his all his belongings and an insatiable thirst for Monkey Ball. I would have been like, “Sorry bro, I forgot to tell you how much it sucks!”

I’m hoping that with time Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz becomes a more fun experience. Until then, I have to give it my lowest grade ever: eight trillion orange rinds.

Jesus H. Fuckballs I can’t believe I just wrote a video game review.

Let me hang my head in shame without you calling more attention to that fact.

Radiohead – Melatonin
The Make-Up – I Am If…
Flying Saucer Attack – Always
Bill Evans Trio – Israel

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