Adventures In Dating: The High School Sophomore

A few weeks ago someone — I think it was Z — mentioned that I should find a way to continue writing “Adventures In Dating” features even though I am in a committed relationship. One of his ideas — or maybe it was someone else, I don’t remember — was to conduct surprise interviews with chicks from my past. This seemed like an absolutely brilliant idea, because I don’t have any communication with any of the girls I’ve slept with; I can’t even think of one girl I’ve “hooked up” with that I still talk to. That might seem unnatural to you, but if you’ve read previous stories about my relationship history and dating skills it should be pretty obvious why I don’t speak to those girls anymore.

Anyway, I decided to go ahead and blind-side this girl I had a fling with in high school, to ask her about what it was like dating me. Actually, she and I never properly dated. The best way to explain it would be to say that the during the summer after I received my driver’s license, I would drive over to her house, pick her up, take her around the block to a dead-end street. I’d park and we’d make out and give each other handjobs until it was time for me to go out with my friends. We might have licked each other’s genitals once or twice. It was a really amazing couple of months. She was a cute sophomore I had an eye on since I saw her as a freshman, and I was…well, I don’t know why she liked me. After my time with her was up (which I think I ended, by not calling her anymore) she got really bitter and “hated” me, in the way that all high school girls do. Then my friend Matt developed a crush on her, so in some kind of weird high school power-play I would randomly fool around with her to prove what a stallion I was. Ah, high school!

Oh, and on a really awkward note, as I was leaving my school graduation with my parents she walked over to me and gave me a handwritten note trying to explain to me how cool I was and how much she was going to miss me when I was away for college. Once or twice more we fooled around in college, and then we lost touch. Until I decided to barrage her with some questions last night. To optimize the weirdness of the situation, I decided to type in all caps. I thought that would really throw her off and make the process of reliving her past much more uncomfortable and intense.

The Interview

Evan: DID YOU AND I EVER DATE?

Girl: nope!

Evan: THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. I MEAN, I REMEMBER SOMETIMES PICKING YOU UP AT HOME AND DRIVING AROUND THE BLOCK TO MAKE OUT AND TOUCH EACH OTHERS PRIVATES, BUT I DON’T REMEMBER TAKING YOU TO DINNER OR ANYTHING. YOU LIKED ME FOR A BIT, RIGHT?

Girl: i think i was partly bored and partly 16, so “yes”. why are you asking me this?

Evan: I’LL TAKE THAT AS, “I WAS OBSESSED WITH YOU AND SWITCHED INTO YOUR US HISTORY CLASS DURING YOUR SENIOR YEAR TO SIT IN FRONT OF YOU.” BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU DID. YOU WALKED INTO THAT CLASS RANDOMLY ONE DAY AND SAT DOWN IN FRONT OF ME. HEY, WHAT DID YOU SEE IN ME THAT MADE YOU WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON?

Girl: your cute friend matt. what ever happened to that guy?

Evan: HE DIED. ENOUGH ABOUT HIM. WAS IT MY DASHING GOOD LOOKS, THE 1985 DODGE DAYTONA, OR SIMPLY THAT I OOZED SEX.

Girl: it was definitely the matt factor. well…and the car.

Evan: I’VE ALWAYS SECRETLY FELT BAD THAT I SAW YOU AND THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, THEN FOUND OUT MATT LIKED YOU, THEN FOOLED AROUND WITH YOU, THEN STOPPED FOOLING AROUND WITH YOU, THEN FOUND OUT HE LIKED YOU EVEN MORE, THEN FOOLED AROUND WITH YOU EVEN MORE. DON’T YOU JUST FIND THAT TO BE FUNNY? I DO…

Girl: he’s so lucky to have you as a friend.

Evan: MATT AND I BOTH AGREE THAT I GOT YOU AT YOUR PEAK, AND THEN A FEW YEARS LATER IN YOUR MID-POST-PEAK PERIOD. YOU CHOPPED ALL HAIR OFF AND TRIED TO BE ARTSY. MAYBE IF YOU GROW YOUR HAIR OUT YOU CAN PEAK AGAIN.

Girl: hahahahahahahaha! probably by the time i see you again my hair will be back to where it was.

Evan: THAT COULD BE AWHILE. I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA. DO YOU REMEMBER THE DAY I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL?

Girl: ok i get it. we’ve had this note conversation like 800 times can’t you just cut and paste?

Evan: NO, WE’VE NEVER HAD THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE. SO IN COLLEGE…YOU WERE BORED AGAIN? AND 19?

Girl: you forgot on the rebound

Evan: OH RIGHT. THE MUSICIAN. WAS YOUR INFATUATION WITH ME BASED ON YOUR PERCEPTION THAT I WAS DESTINED TO BECOME A CULT INTERNET ICON?

Girl: well, in hindsight…

Evan: ADMIT IT YOU SOMETIMES MISS ME.

Girl: you should call this blog entry “i made out with evan levine and all i got was this lousy interview”. i don’t have to miss you. you’re always online! i can see your away messages.

Evan: HOW DID I LOOK WITH MY SHIRT OFF? A GIRL ON THE INTERNET TOLD ME I LOOK LKE A YOUNG GEORGE C. SCOTT

Girl: yes. actually i’ve never seen you with your shirt off

Evan: I SHOULD MENTION FOR THE AUDIENCE THAT I ALWAYS UNDRESS FROM THE BOTTOM UP. PANTS FIRST, REST OF THE STUFF LATER.

Girl: audience?

Evan: WAS I COMFORTING? DID YOU FEEL SAFE IN MY ARMS?

Girl: not particularly

Evan: WERE YOU AWARE THAT IN 2002 I SOLD MY CAR AND THE PERSON WHO PURCHASED THE VEHICLE CLEANED IT OUT AND RETURNED TO ME SOME OLD CDS AND THINGS THAT HAD FALLEN BENEATH THE SEATS, AND ALSO ONE OF YOUR BRAS?

Girl: i doubt it was mine

Evan: NO, IT WAS I REMEMBER. I PUT MY HAND IN THE CUP AND SAID, “AH YES, THIS BELONGS TO…”

Girl: nope, impossible. obviously everything you touched is preserved and stored in a safe deposit box

Evan: YOU ARE RIGHT, IT IS KEPT RIGHT NEXT TO THE LOVE LETTERS YOU WROTE ME IN, ON A SHELF IN MY OLD BEDROOM. GREAT FOR MASTURBATORY PURPOSES. ONCE WE STOPPED FOOLING AROUND, HOW MANY MORE TIMES WOULD YOU SAY I TRIED TO GET IN YOUR PANTS?

Girl: constantly!

Evan: THEN MY SUCCESS RATE PROBABLY SEEMS LOW EVEN THOUGH I OFTEN SUCCEEDED. HEY WHEN YOU’RE LYING AWAKE AT NIGHT UNABLE TO SLEEP, DO YOU WONDER WHAT A LIFE WITH ME WOULD BE LIKE?

Girl: mostly just try and remember if i cleaned the kitty litter that day

Evan: YOUR NONCHALANCE IS ENDEARING, BUT ENTIRELY TRANSPARENT. IF I WERE TO ASK YOU OUT FOR A DRINK, WOULD YOU CONSENT UNDER THE CONDITIONS THAT YOU HAD TO SLEEP WITH ME TO GET ME OUT OF THE HOUSE?

Girl: i can’t think of a drink that i like enough to make that worth it

Evan: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A ROOFIE COLADA? SAY ONE OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS CALLS YOU TO TALK ABOUT THIS AMAZING GUY SHE MET (IT’S ME) DO YOU SPOIL THE SURPRISE BY TELLING HER YOU’VE “TAPPED THAT” ?

Girl: oh definitely

Evan: WOULD YOU GO SO FAR AS TO TELL HER MY TURN ONS AND OFFS? OR WOULD YOU KEEP IT A SECRET LIKE ALL VINDICTIVE GIRLS TEND TO DO?

Girl: yes, i would tell her to stop talking to you and date someone else (turn on)

Evan: WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST ABOUT BEING WITH ME?

Girl: your mom’s huge tv and nintendo

Evan: WAS IT WORTH IT TO BREAK MATT’S HEART THAT TIME YOU MADE ME SHOW UP LATE FOR THE X-MEN MOVIE BECAUSE YOU WERE GIVING ME A BLOWJOB OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE?

Girl: …

Evan: EXPLAIN THE DEVASTATION YOU FELT WHEN YOU FOUND OUT I WAS HOOKING UP WITH YOU AND ONE OF YOUR OLD JEW FRIENDS AT THE SAME TIME?

Girl: i just found out right now, so i think i’m ok

Evan: I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THEN TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS AND WANT TO HUMP ME MORE. HEY ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, RATE YOUR EXPERIENCE “DATING” ME

Girl: well since we didn’t actually date i would have to say “N/A”

Evan: LASTLY. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT TRUE LOVE CAN EXIST BETWEEN CYNICAL JEWISH HIGH SCHOOL KIDS WITH HYPERACTIVE SEX-DRIVES? OR DO YOU PREFER TO JUST NOT THINK ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON?

Girl: those are my only two choices?

Evan: SELECT THE SECOND OPTION

Girl: ok, selected

Evan: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION. IT’S BEEN A PLEASURE RECONNECTING WITH YOU.

Girl: ok i’ll talk to you tomorrow probably

It would have been funnier if I had evidence in my possession to make her really have to think in order to answer the questions. There’s an old LiveJournal post of mine where I copy/paste an AIM conversation with her from 2003 where she’s asking me all these girly/crush questions about why we don’t hang out more and what would happen if we wound up at college together. I’ll have to keep the hard evidence in mind when I choose my next interview subject. Here the girl’s tone is very dry and sarcastic, but beneath that facade is an obvious emotional disturbance that one can only experience after I’ve stopped allowing access to my dick. You know she was thinking about it the whole time.