Tonight my worst fears came true. A rumor circulated on the Internet earlier this afternoon stated that Gail Simmons and her luscious tits were being replaced as guest judge on Top Chef by “some British guy” for tonight’s episode. The rumor was true, but it turned out to be oh-so-much worse. A dandy English fop named Toby Young–whose atrocious puns and desperate attempts at humor are almost as worthless as his stupid faggy glasses and his shitty life–was announced as her replacement. God, Just reading about him on Wikipedia makes me wonder why the hell he’s even alive. Then Padma said something about how Gail Simmons and her alien eyes and her ferocious chest (Damn I want to drop a load all over those tits. I want to skywrite my name in semen on Gail Simmons’ boobs) will not be returning to the show this season.

Fuck! A prolonged, loud groan escaped from me upon hearing that remark — much to the dismay of Nicci, who is slightly jealous of my intense, burning desire to fuck the ever-loving shit out of Gail Simmons and cut Gail Simmons’ tits off and hang them on my wall. Gails Simmons’ tits Gail Simmons’ tits Gail Simmons’ boobs and nipples. In an attempt to piss me off even more, Nicci snidely commented that “somebody else’s penis is inside Gail Simmons vagina right now.” That was just a low blow.

I then asked Ilya to perform a quick Google search for the term “Gail Simmons tits,” to prove to everyone else in the room that at least five pathetic, worthless pieces of shit find this website every day simply by searching the Internet for pictures of Gail Simmons topless. Apparently my website is only the second highest Google ranked page on the Internet for the phrase “Gail Simmons’ tits,” and it is even lower when you search for “Gail Simmons boobs,” “Gail Simmons nipples” or “Gail Simmons husband”. Still, I’m in the top ten websites for all four searches. I want to be number one for all of them, so that is the only reason I’m posting this entry right now.

If this was the last scene in Die Hard 2, and I as Bruce Willis had a choice between thinking fast and lighting a spark to incinerate the leaking fuel tank of a terrorist-piloted airplane, or simply giving up, letting the terrorists get away, and going home to fuck Gail Simmons’ tits, ass, mouth and pussy, I would let the terrorists win. No doubt about it. I would let the terrorists win and I would go home to Gail Simmons Food & Wine Magazine and tag her entire body with my cum like inner-city black teenagers spray ridiculous designs on freeway overpasses.

The worst part is I just know she squirts. And now we probably won’t find out if I’m right until next season. Thanks a lot, Toby Young. You can die now.

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