Loading ...Jack’s Deer, NJ Drivers, American Sex, Burger King, Mustaches, Pretentious French Party, Collector Scum
By Evan ~ January 10th, 2009. Filed under: world news.
• Jack says his plan is working. Apparently he’s training deer to jump through windows to disrupt local classrooms. This, of course, answers several questions I’ve been wondering about Jack lately. Chiefly, they are “What the hell is Jack doing all day when he’s not at home?” and “Where the hell is Jack all day when he’s supposed to be working?” The answers, of course, are “training deer to jump through windows,” and “the weirder New Jersey counties, where shit like this is big news”. [story]
• In other NJ-related news, a genius driver rigged his license plate to evade cameras so he could avoid $1,200 in tolls. If he really wanted to get out of paying highway tolls he should have done what I did, and steal an EZ Pass from his employer. [story]
• Last week I wrote about how Futurists were predicting Americans will enjoy more sex in 2009 due to the down economy. This week, I was shocked to read that Larry Flynt and the douchebag from Girls Gone Wild are asking for a $5 billion dollar bailout from the government. Also, Flynt has been quoted as saying, “People are too depressed to be sexually active.” He couldn’t be more wrong. I don’t hate Larry Flynt. Without him I might be able not enjoy Internet porn as much as I do. But the fact that he and the rapist from Girls Gone Wild are asking for $5 billion dollars is ludicrous. I don’t know how I’d be able to follow this news story for future developments, but I hope they don’t see a dime of taxpayer money. Fuck ‘em both for being greedy assholes. [story]
• I don’t really like taking time to write about Social Networking websites, but this story is pretty funny. Apparently Burger King has developed an application for Facebook that allows users to earn a coupon for a Whopper when they use the program to cut ten friends from their list of friends. Apparently the application also sends a notification to the excommunicated friends telling them that their former friend loves Whoppers more than them. Ouch. Kudos to Burger King for being inventive, but (what’s the opposite of kudos — homos? I don’t know, insert that word here) to people who use Facebook and care enough about fast food to waste their time doing this bullshit. Just go buy a fucking hamburger. [story]
• The New York Times is reporting for the fiftieth time in the past two years that the mustache is back “in” again. Why? Because a bunch of famous actors who have starred in period pieces grew mustaches to play their parts. Wow. That…really says something, New York Times. Since Brad Pitt grew a mustache to act in a World War II drama, and James Franco grew one for a homo movie that takes place in the ’70s, I’m should believe that it’s cool to grow a mustache? No, New York Times. You are retarded. [story]
• While on the topic of mustaches, I should mention that I almost donned one last night for Thesy’s “pretentious French party”. It was a very tough call, but in the end I decided that if I was going to dress the part of pretentious Frenchman, I could pull it off without a mustache. Either way, it wouldn’t have been nearly as cool as the dude who gave himself a gross pencil ’stache. In the end, I went to the party looking like this. Much wine was consumed. And later some beers and a tamale. That part is no very French, but fuck you.
• Lastly, there’s this t-shirt I conceived and Nicci helped create. It’s a stencil of a turntable book-ended by the words “Collector Scum”. I made one for myself, and within a day I had five requests for them from friends and co-workers. If you want one, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll make you one. It might take some time or some money, but hopefully there will be enough of you with interest to start a collector scum army.
The New Year – Seven Days And Seven Nights
Dark Fog – Andromeda
Mogwai – Stupid Prick Gets Chased By The Police And Loses His Slut Girlfriend
Tengir-Too – Kara Ozgoi (Impudent One)
January 11th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I will gladly buy one of your t-shirts. XL please. My wife bought me a turntable for Christmas, so after 20+ years of buying my music on cd, I’m well on my way to returning to my collector scum youth. Amazed by some of the stuff I have on vinyl in my parents basement. Top of the list is my Eddie Murphy picture disc, in full leather glory.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
I feel like the pretentious french party concept was a rip of our shitty conceptional parties. I guess thats fine, but wanted to point that out.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:02 am
Of course it was a rip off of one of our parties. But, then again, when was the last time one of our conceptual parties really clicked? And when was the last time we had one that wasn’t on a Saturday so I could fucking stay up late and not have to work early in the morning? Thesy’s party was a hit because it was on a Friday, because there was hot “industry” pipe there, and because we made it out business to own that shit.
The time has come for roofie roulette. That will be the end-all of great conceptual parties.