It’s been a relatively dry 2009 thus far. I have only consumed eight new beers in the last month-plus-twelve days. Usually I’m much drunker than this, but I guess the recession has hit us all where it hurts. For me, I’ve had to tone down on the amount of fancy, snobby beers I consume — because we all know I’m completely incapable of stamping out my recording buying habit. I guess we all have our priorities in life, and in my mind the process of getting drunk is diminished considerably when compared to a potential limitless amount of music I can enjoy for the remainder of my life (however short that may be). That said, I was very happy and very thankful to receive another gracious donation from Swan Fungus reader Stephen in Japan recently. Yesterday morning I shipped his long-overdue “Thank You” care package, and with a fresh $20 donation, I ventured to Whole Foods in Glendale to stock up on booze.

Over the course of the past few months, the beer selection at Glendale’s Whole Foods market has become a veritable garden of earthly (alcoholic) delights. I guess they hired a new beer expert to stock their shelves, and he is most definitely doing a great job. In fact, he was unloading some cartons while I was shopping yesterday, so I took a few minutes to chat with him about beer, and ask if he had any recommendations. We chatted about our beverages of choice, and I commented on the excellent selection he’s amassed (never did I believe I would see the day that a grocery store in Los Angeles had stocked fifteen cases of Sam Adams Chocolate bock! I even sold a fellow shopper on buying bottle by telling him that it would make a perfect Valentine’s Day dinner beer!). We chatted about our favorite breweries (we’ve both been on a Stone kick lately). Next week he’s expecting a shipment of some prime Avery beers and some others I can’t remember at the moment, but when I return to the market next week I’m going to plead with him to bring Dogfish Head or Bell’s to Los Angeles. You all have no idea how happy that would make me. Why…I imagine it would make me both very drunk and very happy!

That said, I started boozing shortly before LOST began. I started with a bottle of Hair Of The Dog Doggie Claws. A supposedly difficult-to-locate brew, it is best left to cellar for a few years before drinking. Yeah right, like I’m the kind of guy who can afford to buy a beer now and drink it later? That doesn’t make any sense. I really enjoyed the flavors anyway. The 10.5% ABV ensured there would be some warm alcohol presence in the flavor, but it was well masked by a mixture of honey and caramel malts. It was very smooth and lightly carbonated. The excess yeast resting at the bottom of the bottle hinted that with age perhaps the carbonation level would change, but dammit I want to get drunk now, not three years from now!

Then LOST happened, and it was all very annoying and loud. An amazing episode — by far the best of this new season — but also there were a lot of people over and the experience was marred by too many theories and arguments during commercial breaks. I, of course, was at the center of the arguments, so I have only myself to blame for that. But Nate’s drunkenness didn’t help matters very much, or at all, really.

Next up, Allagash Black, a delicious “foreign stout” (Allagash calls it a Belgian style stout). The difference between most Belgian stouts is that some tend to be sweet, like those damned tasty creamier Milk Stouts, and others tend to be dry, like most Imperial stouts. Allegash Black fall somewhere in between the two styles. The flavor was very sweet with lots of chocolate and roasted malts, but the touch sensations were much more dry, especially in the finish. Overall though, a remarkably fine beer.

I should point out two hilarious Tumblr blogs that my friend Nick alerted me to. I myself do not maintain a Tumblr, but apparently my dear friend Lauren (who also is Nick’s girlfriend) maintains one. She devotes a lot of time to it, so you should read it! It’s called Hey, Blondie. As of this moment, there will be a permanent link to Hey, Blondie on my sidebar — which, by the way, is filled with links to friends’ blogs and websites. You should check them out sometime! Those people are way more talented than I am! Also, Nick alerted me to Eye On Springfield, a “retrospective of Simpsons hilarity spanning from seasons 1 to 9, when it was still funny.” It brings back so many memories. Oh, how glorious those times were…

Damn you, alcohol!

Lastly, a bottle of Wells Banana Bread Beer. Yeah, you read that correctly. The goon at Whole Foods (I don’t know why I just called him a goon, he was really nice and amiable — he’s gonna call me sometime!) recommended it. It’s basically an English Strong Ale (like Dark Star Critical Mass or Avery Old Jubilation Ale) but with a weird banana flavor. The only banana-flavored beer I’ve ever had before was the Hefewizen at Plush in Tucson. That wheat beer tasted way better than this strong ale.

And there you have it, maLadies and gentle fops! I’ve officially drank myself through another donation that could have purchased me a tank of gas or helped pay my rent for the month! Thanks, Stephen! If anyone else wants to contribute to my adventures in alcohol consumption, you should not think twice before donating to this website. I assure you, next time I’ll actually leave the house to get drunk! No more of this indoors drinking stuff…there’s no fun in that! Just the permanent stench of strong ales mixed with the bittersweet reflection that transpires after a night of boozing. Also, it seems like depression is involved whenever I drink. But what’s life without a whole shit-load of depression, am I right!? Guys?! Right?!

In other news, U2 still sucks, “indie” music isn’t really independent (it’s just a marketing ploy), hipsters are all douchebags, Two Boots pizza hasn’t cracked the top ten pizza joints in LA yet, The women who had octuplets is still a fraud, there are some concerts approaching that I can’t wait to attend, and I haven’t traveled anywhere fun recently because I’m broke from spending money on records and beer!

See you all next time for another hilarious installment of Evan Chooses Beer Over Therapy!

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