On Today, LOST, Gail Simmons & Top Chef

February 26, 2009
by Evan

dumb overpaid oliver perez don't tell him what he can't do john locke gail simmons beautiful boobs breasts tits babe

Hey, is it too soon to change the main banner image text at the top of this page to “Big In India?” Because I just got mentioned on some Indian news website for being an “influential” blogger. See for yourself!

That’s just one reason why things are looking very bright, my friends. It’s a beautiful day outside, and everything feels right in the world. The Mets hammered the Florida Marlins 9-0 today (Jose Reyes hit 2 homeruns, Beltran added one of his own) behind two solid innings from pitcher Oliver Perez. Then I found some cool records at Amoeba (Swans! Nebula! Mojave 3!), and tonight I’m going to see a theatrical production. Well, that last part isn’t quite my idea of a fun, but I’m willing to approach it with an open mind. Unfortunately, the play is Rent, so I kind of know it as a big gay AIDS fest, which will probably interfere with my ability to watch it objectively. When he heard of my impending theater trip, my dear friend Matt posed this riddle, which I answered thusly:

Q: is there any part of the Rent cast you can’t kill?
A: the AIDS virus?

Last night’s episode of LOST was, not surprisingly, amazing. In order for certain aspects of the show to remain relevant (and keep from growing stale) there needed to be a paradigm shift like the one that occurred between Ben and Widmore. For two seasons now we’ve been led to believe that Widmore was evil and Ben good; now it appears the opposite is (and was) true. Also, another perfect opportunity for a character to ask the all important “Why?” question was missed by Locke when he was sitting down with Widmore talking about the island. Why not ask him, “So…I know everybody keeps telling me why I’m special, but…uh…what’s special about the island, exactly?” Also, Nate, Tom and I conjectured that perhaps Walt has the ability to kind of astral project, and that all previous instances in which Walt was seen on the island he was dreaming the events that were unfolding at the time. For example, Walt was seen and heard by Shannon when she’s separated from Sayid in the woods. Maybe at that moment, Walt was dreaming about seeing Shannon in the woods. Can he project himself? Will we see him on the island again in the future? Is anybody still reading this?

The finale of Top Chef was entirely disappointing, save for some gratuitous shots of Gale Simmons Food & Wine Magazine’s perfect, luscious tits. So massive and spectacular were her boobs last night, traffic on this website spiked tremendously between the hours of 10:00pm and 11:00pm EST, at the same time the finale was airing on the East Coast. Of the 124 visitors who found themselves browsing the archives of Swan Fungus during that hour, more than 90% had been referred by Google searches for “Gail Simmons tits,” “Gail Simmons boobs” and “Gail Simmons husband”. If you remember the blog post Gail Simmons’ Tits Gone From Top Chef, I complained briefly about not owning the the first Google ranking for those three phrases. As of today, Swan Fungus owns the #1 ranking for “Gail Simmons tits”, the #1 ranking for “Gail Simmons nipple”, the #3 ranking for “Gail Simmons boobs”, and the #6 ranking for “Gail Simmons husband”. Amazingly, the rankings for “Gail Simmons Top Chef and the search for “Gail Simmons Food & Wine Magazine” are both as high as the 2nd page of results! I’d say that’s a great, great improvement over the last time I checked. Yet, I am not satisfied. Was my open letter to Gail (see: RIP My Sexual Future With Gail Simmons) not enough to catapult me to the top? That’s it. I demand a clean sweep of all Gail Simmons-related Google searches. Go forth, my minions, and help raise my Google ranking by typing in those search queries and clicking on links to my website. I expect by the start of next season, there will be enough references to Gail’s tits, nipples, boobs, husband and Top Chef to make me number one in all categories. Gail Simmons’ tits. Gail Simmons’ nipples. Gail Simmons’ boobs. Gail Simmons’ husband. Gail Simmons Top Chef.

Fuck that. I want to set my sights even higher. I want the number one Google ranking for Gail Simmons. Right now I’m at the top of page 5. This can be done. Search for “Gail Simmons” and then click on any links to this website. If you have a blog, link to my posts about Gail. We can do this!

I think it goes without saying that I’m also the #1 search result for the Google query: “Gail Simmons squirts”. And I just know that girl can squirt.

Oh, and can you believe what happened on the actual show? Carla got robbed!

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2 comments

  1. |

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    “and the really hot Canadian indie band, The Arcade Fire.”
    “and the really hot Canadian indie band, The Arcade Fire.”
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