I was unable to write a weekly world (w)news update on Saturday because Jon’s amazing tale of love and matchmaking was deemed way more interesting. Nevertheless, I’d been compiling articles to write about all week, so I should probably share them before the number grows too vast.
• I have been bumming out all week since reading this article from Science Daily about how “frequent sex and masturbation in 20s and 30s linked to higher prostate cancer…”. The research concludes that the link has been found by a UK research team, and seems to hold true especially if they masturbate frequently. Apparently one of the more interesting points that came out of the study was that “59% of the men in both [control and variable] groups said that they had engaged in sexual activity (intercourse or masturbation) 12 times a month or more in their twenties.” In other news, I’ve already purchased a really big calendar and have started scheduling regular prostate exams for the future, the first of which is tentatively scheduled for April of 2024. Because if 12 times a month is bad, I’m going to soon find myself in some sort of critical, life-or-death prostate trouble. [story]
• According to the Ohio State Department of Psychology, a low dosage of marijuana taken in the morning could prevent Alzheimer’s. In a related study, a morning dosage of marijuana could be a gateway to an Egg McMuffin overdose. That was my attempt at a Jay Leno monologue joke. Read it again in his voice, and you’ll get it. I hope it was as bad as I intended it to be. I don’t smoke pot anymore, but when I was a more-than-habitual user I’m pretty sure I didn’t feel any better at cognitive functions, and over an extended number of years I can’t see how this theory could be true. Maybe Ilya could shed some light on the subject? [story]
• The state of New Jersey is doing something right for a change — or at least for the first time since I was brought into the world. A new bill introduced into the state senate would require all high school seniors to take a course in finance, which would teach (among other things) how to write a check, manage credit card debt and obtain a mortgage. That’s pretty cool considering all these high school kids are spoiled by their stupid ‘boomer parents, and they don’t understand how to save for the future and budget their money. Take my sister for example. Bright kid, but also kind of a financial retard! She could have benefit from such a course… [story]
• Need some money? Need a job? Fortune magazine has a list of the twenty best companies that are hiring right now! They include Google, Cisco, Microsoft (wait, didn’t they just cut like 7,000 jobs?), Mayo Clinic, T-Mobile, and — holy shit, wait a minute — Wegman’s is hiring!? That’s it — I’m dropping everything and moving back east so I can work for Wegman’s. Maybe they need someone to work in their advertising or PR departments. I could actually put my Communications degree to work, and eat all the seven-inch buffalo chicken finger sandwiches I could possibly want. Also, their pizzas and W breads and more. Yeah, that’s it. I’m going to apply for a job at Wegman’s and get my life started. [story]
• It’s like CNN now knows exactly what kinds of articles I hate, and they’re consciously trying to irk me. “A Pawlowski” wrote last week about the 2012 apocalypse watch and all the people who think December 21st is going to be doomsday for the entire world. The author even goes so far as to quote someone as saying, “There is no serious scholar who puts any stock in the idea that the Maya said anything meaningful about 2012,” and instead of ending the article right there, continues on about the fucking “believers” and their stupid “theories”. [story]
• Another Science Daily article begins with the sentence, “Can’t help being the life of the party? Maybe you were just born that way.” Shut up. You’re going to claim now that “our place in a social network is influenced in part by our genes?” How about exploring the really, really large part that is determined by one’s level of self-confidence and gregariousness. Are those two things determined by genetics? Or is it more the product of one’s upbringing and our childhood introductions to socialization? That seems way more likely, but it would certainly make for a less-interesting article. I’m pretty much convinced that Science Daily publishes only bullshit articles now. [story]
• CNN and Careerbuilder.com have combined forces to bring us this fascinating new article, called “Should your boss be your Facebook friend?” The short answer is, “Yes.” If the general manager of my workplace was not my facebook friend, he wouldn’t be able to make fun of me for all the pictures of me blacking out across Los Angeles. I’ve since removed most of them because at some point in the last six months all these parents of friends started adding me as a friend on Facebook. I should just delete my account. When parents enter a social networking website it’s deader than dead. It’s a shame I need it to keep track of all you stalkers who have found joy in officially making me your “friend” via the Internet. Also, you know, if one of the chicks I lusted after in high school tries to contact me, I would rue not having the chance to inform her exactly what she missed out on by not letting me blow her back out. [story]
• Lastly, I keep reading about this thing called “Twitter?” It’s supposed to be a quasi blogging service where you make really short posts to tell people what the hell you’re doing, and then they can answer you back or something? I don’t really understand it, but since I’m a “blogger” I should probably be hip to all these new Internet trends. That’s why I’ve just now created an account. Apparently I have only 140 characters to use in a single post, so you can be sure that if you follow my blog Twitter thing, I’ll try my best to use exactly 140 characters in every post. I used 139 in the first one. Not a bad start! Anyway, here’s a link to my stupid Twitter account. If it is indeed possible for anyone to alter it, try not to fuck it up too much for me? If one of you knows how to use Twitter, feel free to leave a comment on this post or send me an e-mail with a really quick “How-To” lesson so that I know what to do next.
February 3rd, 2009
Masturbation will also cause hairy hand-syndrome.
February 6th, 2009
You do realize that the article doesn’t say that masturbation causes prostate cancer, right? Because you had me worried until I clicked through to the article. Of course, I may have misread it, because I’m almost blind! From all the masturbating!