• Oh God, the horror. I spent today shopping with my mother in Santa Monica. Sure, breakfast was good, and dinner was even better — but the hours in between were torturous. The day began with a brunch date with family friend Corey at Merdeces Grill (14 Washington Blvd, Marina Del Rey). I ordered a breakfast sandwich (fried egg, cheddar cheese, bacon, tomato on toasted bread with a side of potatoes). Mom ate the Arizona eggs benedict, and Corey got something light and healthy with a side of cottage cheese. I don’t remember what. After the meal, we drove straight to the 3rd Street Promenade for an afternoon of (cringe) clothes shopping. Much to my dismay, my mother continually harped on the fact that my shoes are worn down to almost nothing. This meant we had to stop in any store on the street that had shoes in the window. Worse than waterboarding. I also got a t-shirt from American Apparel, spent entirely too long looking for sneakers in Urban Outfitters (God that place sucks, they play the worst music ever — but they sell these weird LOST toys that I almost bought a bunch of until I realized they’re ten dollars each), and nearly fell asleep at a store called REI. No idea what it stands for, could care less. Dinner was at the delicious Border Grill. Yes, I’m aware that I ate at two places named “Grill” in one day. We split an order of two hot tamales (the restaurant’s signature dish) and I had the grilled chicken chilaquiles. Very yummy. When the check came I grabbed it and treated mom to dinner. She was nice to put up with my whining about being forced to try on clothes and sneakers all day. Came home and lost to Nate by one point at Mario Kart.
• A doctor in England has been charged with attempting to arouse himself in front of female patients. Apparently he told a pregnant woman she had a ‘nice arse’ and began ‘rubbing himself’ in front of her while calling her ‘pretty’. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t really seem like a crime to me. I mean, I see pretty girls all the time and I usually start to touch myself and think about them if I’m feeling amorous towards them. I’ve probably jerked off in — no, wait, I have jerked off in front of a girl for no reason before. If I can do it, why can’t a fancy big shot city doctor have the same rights as I do? [story]
• Holy crap! A “major cache of fossils” have been unearthed right here in Los Angeles! No, wait. It’s just Joan Rivers. Wow, what a horrible joke! [story]
• According to an article in the Daily Mail, Adolf Hitler “had shocking table manners, gorged on cake, and suffered flatulence.” I have to say, when I saw the word “Hitler” in the headline, I was shocked at how little I cared. I know I’m a Jew and I’m supposed to be outraged and saddened whenever I see or hear his name, but I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been desensitized. Do you know why? Because of Eat Me Out, Pat’s Wii Mii character. Looking at a little bratty Hitler-looking child every night for several hours has really, really desensitized me. Honest. I just don’t care anymore about Hitler. Thanks a lot, Pat. [story]
• “Is this Atlantis?” [story]
• Apparently — and this is according to CNN — there’s a line that should be drawn between what you should share with your coworkers and employers, and what you should keep to yourself. This is news to me. Oh look, number for on the list is “online venting sites”. I guess that would be a Facebook profile or a blog or something. Uh…everyone I work with knows about my website, and I don’t even think I ever told somebody explicitly “go read my blog!” or “check out those pictures of me blacking out all over the city!” People find things on their own. Like my old high school principal did. It’s only really gotten me in trouble once in my life (see: the high school principal) but I’m pretty sure I’m older and wiser now, and nothing I say or do online can get me in trouble in the workplace. Right? Right!? [story]
• “Most people believe dreams are meaningful.” Sorry, I don’t believe that, at all. Do you really expect me to take seriously any of the number of dreams I have where I’m flying or swimming with sharks or shit? Or what about that time I fucked a fat chick in a public bathroom? Are you going to tell me that was in any way meaningful? Because I woke up feeling like a dude who could only pull fat chicks. But I didn’t apply any meaning to it. It’s just a dream! Jesus! [story]
• “Villagers in Borneo who have long believed that a legendary 100-foot-long snake called the Nabau trolls the Baleh River say recent photographs show that the beast has returned!” But not really, you see, I was in Borneo recently, and, well…I had to take a leak. Next thing you know, “100-foot-long snake” makes the news! Personally, I’m flattered that the native Borneoians (is that what they’re called) have taken such a keen interest in my huge fucking dong, but I just got finished writing about how apparently certain details of one’s life should be kept off the Internet, and at this point in my life I really don’t need pictures of my “snake” making their way across the entire web. That shit is world wide. [story]
Bottomless Pit – Leave The Light On
Leonard Cohen – Chelsea Hotel No. 2
Sonny Rollins – St. Thomas
The Time – At Shadow’s Eve
The Almanac Singers – Union Maid
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