It’s time again for my Weekly World Wnews roundup. Why Saturdays? Well, nobody ever comes here on Saturdays, so why should I waste a good post on a tiny audience? Why, that’d be like wasting your dick on a drunken fat chick instead of going home to Internet porn!

• Not only does Kid Rock get to have his own line of beer (with nine new Kid Rock-brand brews forthcoming), the state of Michigan has awarded tax credits to the Michigan Brewing Company so they can continue brewing his beers. Many other brewery in the state have not received assistance from the state government. So Kid Rock beer — a product tied to an already successful brand — has a huge edge over, say, Bell’s Brewery, which receives no state government support. Furthermore, all those microbreweries and brewpubs in the state won’t receive any assistance either. You would think one of the most important and best tasting breweries in the country would be recognized as an important asset to Michigan’s economy, or that the 48 licensed brewpubs in the state and 30 microbreweries would be more worthy of $722,957 in tax credits than a famous rock star’s beer. I guess its to be expected, since it is difficult to recall the last time I read a news story about state or federal government getting something right. [story]

• Oh, great. Two women at the Game Developers Conference won a contest aimed at designing a game about “your first time.” This is just what the geek world needs: video games about losing your virginity. We’re supposed to be helping them assimilate and socialize with the outside world, not keep them in their bedrooms trying to score with virtual girls. What a stupid, stupid idea this is. If we want a future in which lonely nerdy humans don’t run off a couple with robots, this should be the first step towards getting losers out of their parents’ basements and into the sunlight. If we fail, all the top scientists of the future will never realize their potential, because they’ll just want to stay at home scoring with video game girls and making out with robots. Then all the athletes and musicians will follow suit. Finally, everyone else in the world will join in. It’s just like Facebook. Trust me. I really hope I’m not alone in praying this game fails. [story]

• According to a new study, crabs “feel and remember pain.” In a related story, humans “feel and remember” crabs. [story]

• FOXNews is running a very dumb story about “Five inventions that will change your life.” I was hoping the list included tangible devices, but most of the list is ideas or concepts. Flexible touchscreen displays? Big deal. So a phone won’t break if you drop it. That’s what insurance is for. “The wireless network after next?” In theory its cool, but they’ve been working on it for almost a decade and its not ready yet. “Next generation power” would solve one of the biggest problems currently facing America, but there really isn’t any answer on the horizon. Wind and solar are considered “unreliable,” so the story mentions an MIT professor who is working on a “mega battery”. I’m not getting my hopes up. A handheld DNA sequencer would be a great invention and an invaluable asset to the field of medicine, but the finished project is still at least 5 years away. Brain microchips? Sounds like Johnny Mnemonic. [story]

• Similarly, TIME Magazine is running a list of 10 ideas changing the world — right now! What a dumb list. “The New Calvinism?” Great, I need more Christian ideals shoved down my throat. The rest of the list is equally inane. But if you’re going to read any of the ideas, be sure to check out “Amortality” for a depressing look at how Baby Boomers are trying to stave off death…forever. Ugh! [story]

• To absolutely no surprise, 100 people were sickened after eating at an Applebee’s in New York. I’ve eaten at that restaurant twice in my life, and both times I became violently ill. I should have questioned that hamburger when I realized it still looked like raw chop-meat in the middle, but I was so young and foolish then… My point is, Applebee’s sucks. [story]

• “Swiss watch-makers have teamed up with Indian fortune tellers to design a watch that claims to predict the future.” No thanks. [story]

• “At last, a tribute to the forgotten genius who was light years ahead of his time.” The author means, of course, the unsung scientist Harry Grindell Matthews who invented the ‘death ray’ in the early 1900s. Originally intended as a method of knocking enemy aircraft out of the sky, the death ray took on a whole new meaning when it was co-opted by science fiction and comic book nerds. Even if it wasn’t a giant laser that could wipe out humanity, the story of its creation is quite interesting… [story]

• Last but not least, a story e-mailed to me by Podcast Jack claims to have unearthed ET on Google Street View! I don’t even need to read the article. I’ve seen the photo, and I’m a believer. (No I’m not). Don’t the Brits have anything more important to do with their time than look at blurry GSV pictures and pretend they’re seeing aliens? [story]

Hehehe…the songs are talking to each other!

Thelonious Monk – I Surrender, Dear
The Fairways – Don’t Call Me Dear
Yatsura – Plastic Ashtray
Squarepusher – Don’t Go Plastic
Tall Firs – Go Whiskey

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