Last night I finally got to play Watchmen fanboy, as Nate, Nicci and I went to see the film at the Arclight in Hollywood. We thought about buying advance tickets to a midnight screening last Thursday, but I think we all realized that because The Dark Knight experience wasn’t much fun we should wait until the initial flurry of activity and hype surrounding the film’s release quieted. The theater last night was less-than half full. I’ve been hearing that since opening night the box office numbers for Watchmen are down considerably. Reviews have been as mixed as can be, with seemingly half of the movie’s audience absolutely loving it, and half the audience absolutely hating it. Was there any room for a middle ground? Was I going to emerge from the theater solidly declaring myself to be a “lover” or “hater”? Could I — a notoriously grudge-holding, uncompromising piece of shit — disregard my anti-Zach Snyder bias and enjoy the movie? Could I escape the theater without being hit in the back of the head by a wad of sperm ejaculated by one of the many fat, creaky-voiced nerds with nacho breath who were sure to be seated behind me?

Since the first rumors of a Watchmen movie were announced I wanted to hate it. Most fans seemed to agree that the prospect of transforming such a revered work into a major motion picture was too daunting a task for anyone to accomplish. When Zach Snyder’s name became attached to the project in 2005 I fumed. 300 was a piece of shit masturbatory action fantasy. I dreaded Watchmen receiving a similarly heavy-handed transformation. In fact, until maybe yesterday morning I was convinced I was going to hate, hate, hate the film simply because I couldn’t cast aside my aspersions on Snyder’s shitty directorial “skills”. And then I went and I saw the movie. And the theater did smell like nachos! And there were NERDS EVERYWHERE!

So what did I think of Watchmen?

I did not love or hate it. It was okay. I liked aspects of it.

Visually, the film was about as good as fans could ask. The set design is amazing, and as near as I could tell the look and feel mimics that of the original work perfectly. The alternate 1985 envisioned by writer Alan Moore and artist Dave Gibbons has been faithfully realized. Most of the characters are identical to the graphic novel. One could nitpick that Patrick Wilson as Dan Dreiberg/Night Owl II isn’t paunchy enough, or that Matthew Goode as Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias shouldn’t look like such a smug asshole or speak with that stupid accent, but from a purely graphical standpoint, Watchmen is still a huge success.

That said, there are a number of complaints I need to voice that will further illustrate how one could merely like the film without feeling definitively one way or another about it’s awesomeness or terribleness.

The fight scenes are way too stylized, and really distract from a serious and important fact about the story: these are not special people with immense powers, or years of martial arts training at their disposal. They’re supposed to brawl realistically, you know…like regular people in costumes…not like steroid shootin’ freaks competent in multiple styles of hand-to-hand combat

The soundtrack is an absolute travesty. “99 Luftballons”? Come the fuck on. “All Along the Watchtower,” “The Sound Of Silence”, and “Everybody Wants To Rule The World?” I found myself cringing every time a non-diegetic piece of music became audible, with the exception of Philip Glass’ “Pruit Igoe & Prophecies” during Dr. Manhattan’s story. The most heinous song choice is that of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” during the film’s big sex scene. So bad. Not only that, the sex scene is horribly awkward and laughable. Come to think of it, that’s probably a good thing, as I survived it without being hit in the back of the head by any fanboy splooge.

A few casting choices (namely Malin Akerman as Laurie Juspeczyk/Silk Spectre II) and some clumsy dialog also cause frustration. Akerman is a poor actress. The Veidt character leaves no room for viewers to understand or pity him. In the book he comes off as lonely and kind of pathetic, but in the film he is a smarmy douche. His attempted assassination is ruined because all we have seen of him to that point is a creepy, possibly evil figure. The exceptions to this are Jackie Earle Haley as Walter Kovacs/Rorschach, Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Edward Blake/The Comedian and — to a lesser extent — Billy Crudup as Jon Osterman/Dr. Manhattan. Rorschach is acted almost perfectly, but his past is not realized enough to truly understand him. The Comedian is given a lot of face time. His character is probably the most-fully developed by the film. Manhattan’s scene on Mars, his dialog and his life story, is one of the best aspects of the film. Alas, I digress. Watchmen isn’t really supposed to be about the characters. Its purpose is to deliver a much stronger and horrifying message about the state of mankind. Since this is a film it is perfectly relevant to expose flaws in casting or acting, but do not forget that the characters aren’t really the heart of the story.

The ending. Every review written by a fan of the graphic novel wants to discuss the changes to the ending. As much as I would have loved to see the giant squid and scores of dead New Yorkers, I think the changes make sense in the context of the story as presented by Snyder and Co.. For an audience unfamiliar with the story, two hours of nuclear holocaust-speak and doomsday panic would have led to (I imagine) mass confusion at the appearance of the vile creature from hell. It also would demand a lengthy explanation about the squid/alien whatever you want to call it. Instead, we get a kind of bow-tied ending which needed little explanation. Of course, at the expense of changing the ending, the director once again slighted the character of Vedit/Ozymandias because instead of making him appear to be the world’s smartest man, capable of creating a horrible scheme and carrying it out himself, it made him look like a seedy trickster who needed to dupe Dr. Manhattan into doing something that he could not do on his own. I wasn’t completely let down by the ending, but again…giant squid would have been way cooler than just seeing the inclusion of Bubastis.

I think I’ve committed enough words and space to reviewing the film. Feel free to share any complaints or praise you might have in the comments. If you think I’m an idiot, you can say that too. Maybe I’ll pen another review when the DVD with the director’s cut is released. Until then, I’ll leave you with this question: Is it possible to enjoy yourself while watching a movie, but not actually like the movie? Therein lies the quandary that is Watchmen.

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