Last night Maryn asked me how long I’ve been keeping this website, and as soon as I said, “Four years” I realized I completely forgot the big annual Swan Fungus birthday party and State Of The Blog Address! Oh man, oh man! Ok, wait — I’ll be back in five minutes, I need to transform…

President Evan (center), Vice President Stephen C. (left), Mrs. Speaker Sam B. (right)

“Mr. Speaker, The President of the…uh, website.”

“My fellow readers. One year ago today, I delivered my third State Of The Blog address. Today, I stand before you a new man. An older man. Dare I say it, a darker man. It’s hard to believe that I am beginning my fifth year as your leader, your tireless Field Commander, and your friend and ally in all things Internet related. My friends, on March 10th, 2005 I took a vow to make this the most exhaustive Evan LeVine-related website on the entire Internet, and looking back on that statement I feel like I have more than fulfilled that promise to you. I stood before you on the eve of this blog’s first birthday and I declared that this page was gaining momentum, acquiring new readers, and perpetually redefining what it means to reach “a new low” for Internet-based journalism. But my work is not yet done. Our work is not yet done. Readers, 2009 is going to be the start of something really, really big.”

[standing ovation]

“At the time of my March of 2006 State Of The Blog address, Swan Fungus averaged 175 visitors per day. In 2007, that number doubled. By my 2008 address, the number of daily visitors topped 600. Last week, the average for daily total visits cracked 800. Although I must admit I don’t quite understand technological assets like Alexa rankings, this website is apparently the 614,397th most visited on the entire Internet. Our Quantcast ranking is 269,279 — whatever that means. The important thing is, that ranking is higher than both peoplesrec.com and raylucia.com. With your help, with your continued readership, and with your ability to tell all your friends to visit the foremost Evan-LeVine website ever made, I think by next year our traffic ranking will be higher than womenintrucking.org (#269,227) as well as robertrandolph.net (#245,104). These are reasonable goals, people. The Swan Fungus Technorati ranking currently places this page in the top 100,000 blogs on the web. I’d say that’s pretty good, considering everybody and their retarded nephew has a blog. With your staunch jingoism and my ability to formulate new and exciting and sometimes controversial ideas, I firmly believe we can crack 50,000 by next March.”

[half-standing ovation]

“Just yesterday, a vastly influential and informative blog called Recording Industry vs. The People decided to share my rant against Billy Corgan, Ticketmaster and the RIAA with their formidable audience. Last month, popular blogger Penelope Trunk (I don’t know who she is either) noticed one of my anti-Baby Boomer rants and highlighted it in a post about emerging trends from the recession. Last week I posted my first entry for WFMU’s Beware Of The Blog, one of the most popular and most visited blogs on the Internet. To say that the audience for Swan Fungus cannot grow any larger would be a huge misstatement. Let me say this, my friends. Swan Fungus is by no means The Seattle Post-Intelligencer. Mark my words: I will not close the doors on this institution until I am damned ready. Or, until I’m too rich to care anymore.”

[standing ovation]

“In case you’ve forgotten about the ten commandments of this website, I suggest you reopen the Arkives [sic] Of The Covenant and re-read this top ten list.”

“I stated before that 2009 was going to be unlike any since I created Swan Fungus, and I hope to realize several new ventures this calendar year. Treasures From The Collectors Slum will continue, but should begin taper off beginning in the next few months. Friday Top Ten lists will never die. I just noticed last night I’ve written almost 150 of them since 2005. One of these days an editor or literary agent will notice that impressive feat and offer me a book deal, I just know it. Hell, if Vice had a Do’s And Don’ts book published, I should have one too. Without a doubt, stories about Gail Simmons and her luscious chest will continue. After all, I’m following her on Twitter now. I might even put in an interview request to her people. Speaking of which, Interviews will have an expanded role in 2009. I’m working on several at the moment and will keep seeking out cultural heroes of mine, as well as silly interviews with friends. The number of Guest Writers reached an all-time high in 2008, and that number will rise again in 2009. Although I can’t risk making what would be the biggest announcement in Swan Fungus history at this very moment (for fear that it could fall through), I will say that plans are in the works to add a whole new dimension to this little empire of mine. 2009 won’t be a million-dollar year, but it should be a defining year.”

[standing ovation]

“Lastly, I want to take a moment to thank you all for your continued support and your cyber-friendships. Each donation I’ve received, each comment (both positive and negative) you have posted, and all the emails from casual and long-time readers remind me just how many good people there are in the world. We are living in strange times. It is my objective to out-strange all the bizarre and surreal events that are occurring all around us on a daily basis, and keep you entertained no matter what is happening in your lives. And you will blindly follow me wherever I lead you. Without your eyes and your generosity and your kindness, this page would cease to exist. I love you all — bust mostly you attractive readers — and I hope you are as excited about Year 5 as I am.”

“Now, let’s go eat the rest of those cupcakes that have been sitting around since the 2006 State Of The Blog Address — they’re a little moldy but you can eat around it — and take a stroll through Spin Alley to how my approval rating is doing!”

* * *

“Swan Fungus would be lucky that I give it more time than my wife and 2 children. I come for the biting critiques on society, I stay for the free obscure record downloads.” – Z

“Actually. You have a respectable following.” – Lindsey

“The misogyny is getting a little heavy-handed.” – Vegan Nick

“…A few girls do read your blog.” – Marika

“What kind of dick are you. I cant believe what a tool you are.” – C Bones

“I like Swan Fungus more than my girlfriend. At least it sucks.” – Jon

“The State Of The Blog Is…pretty…alright.” – Nicci

“I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t think there would be an audience for a blog so self-indulgent and entitled. But I was wrong.” – Matt

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