• Before, Sir David Attenborough was best known (by me only, I think) as the dude who narrated Planet Earth on the BBC version of the series, and also on the DVD box set. Pretty impressive, right? Well, he’s just thrown his entire career down the drain (whatever-the-hell else it included) because he went on record as saying that Yetis are real. The fucking moron thinks the Yeti actually exists. His proof? “Very convincing footprints have been found at 19,000ft. No one does that for a joke.” Uh…I think he’s senile. Now I can’t take anything he says on Planet Earth seriously. [story]

• A “cat boy” born in China has “stunned medics with his ability to see in pitch black with eyes that glow in the dark.” The article doesn’t say how old the boy is, but it makes me wonder if, when he becomes a man, his awesome eyesight will enable him to overcome the affliction known as “beer goggles,” which I personally have never experienced because I have great taste in pussy. Well, that’s not entirely true…but the point is, I imagine he would be the envy of many, many men if he could drink to intoxication and not have to worry about taking home a fat ugly broad. Trust me, many of you out there wish you had cat-like vision all the time. [story]

• I did not compose a Top Ten list this week, but a website called Music Radar has compiled a list of the 14 most outrageous guitars on the Internet. I think my favorite is either the “sax-string guitar” or the “teenar, girl guitar,” which is just wrong on so many different levels. [story]

• What’s wrong, chump? You don’t fit in at work? Maybe it’s because you’re a fucking fag who doesn’t know how to cut loose and have a good time. Or maybe you’re such a self-centered douchebag you can’t allow yourself to open up and talk to people who you know mostly on a professional level. Whatever the reason is for your completely pathetic life, CNN and CareerBuilder have some pointers for how you can fit learn to fit in better. Here’s a hint from the article: give credit. “I make an effort to share my success with my team regardless of the amount of their contribution.” Hmm…sounds to me like that idiot’s inability to stand out from the pack just bought himself no extra Christmas bonus and couldn’t separate himself from all the other potential layoff victims in his office. Nice advice, CNN! [story]

• Podcast Jack sends this news article all the way from his podcast cave in New Jersey. An Austrian scientist has solved the mystery of “belly button fluff.” Really, the whole article is kind of gross. The second sentence, “Dr. Steinhauser made his discovery after studying 503 pieces of fluff from his own belly button,” was enough to make me want to stop reading. Congratulations, Jack. You’re a sick, sick man. [story]

• An anonymous Swan Fungus reader from the East Coast reported today that a kid’s clothing company called Custom Kingdom has offered free clothes for all fourteen children of “Octo-Mom” Nadya Suleman for an entire year. In response to the news story, the anonymous reader sent an angry e-mail to Custom Kingdom. He wrote:

I’m not going to lie to you and say that I’m a loyal customer who has decided to stop buying any of your clothing. Frankly, I have never heard of you before. I became familiar with your brand of clothing when it appeared in the news that you offered Nadya Sulemon 500 dollars on a monthly basis to reward her for her irresponsibility. Perhaps you are out of touch with the popular sentiment about Ms. Sulemon, but America is disgusted that she would produce children that will have to suffer from life long physical debilitations because she worshipped at the throne of her own emotional instabilities, nurturing it, with the quality of life of her own children. Because you use your customers’ money to encourage the moral failings in society, there is no ethical way I would ever purchase any of your products, and when news of your offer to Ms. Sulemon circulates to wider society, I have no doubt you will find others feel similarly.”

Almost immediately, our anonymous ally received this automated reply:

Please read our free giveaway page. We do our best to donate clothing to ALL families who are struggling, and in need. Some of our staff sides with Nadya Suleman, and others are very against her actions, but we all agree that innocent children should not suffer due to a parents choices. If you know someone in need, please fill out the contact form, and we will do our best to assist the family. Thank you.

Anonymous friend sent one last response to Custom Kingdom, who had nothing to reply this time around:

So nice to hear. I’m out of work. Why don’t you donate some clothing to me, a person who went to school, did not take on an overwhelming amount of debt, yet is still have trouble because the economy sucks right now and there just isn’t a lot of work out there. I guess what I should have done was run up my credit cards, bought several houses with debt, knocked up women, ran an investment bank that sold an incredible amount of Credit Default Swaps and had no equity to back it up. I guess the only way to get paid in this economy is to be an irresponsible, borderline on criminal scumbag. Size M, by the way.

Feel free to forward me all the hate mail you send to public figures and public companies, and I’ll do my best to share it with the world. Oh, and for those of you who think I might actually be the anonymous Swan Fungus reader, I’m not. I don’t read this website. It’s not even well-written.

Jack Rose – Sunflower River Blues [Fahey]
Leonard Cohen – Famous Blue Raincoat
Dillard Chandler – Drunken Driver
Tengir-Too – Kambarkan

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