As you may or may not have read in the comment section of yesterdayâ€™s post, from the moment I started reading Evanâ€™s â€œTop Ten Thoughts To Get You Through Your Birthdayâ€ list, I felt compelled to re-write the very same list in such a way as to make one believe that the ideas put forth by Evan are not at all reasons to be happy, but reasons to feel depressed, upset, pissed off, or otherwise disgruntled. It seemed like a very Evan thing of me to do. I had an almost â€œEvan vs. CNN Career Builderâ€ attitude, only not as harsh or cynical. So, although I already got him a beer bottle opener/belt buckle from the Stone brewery (that works better in theory than in actuality) and a Sirius satellite radio home system (which I found out he doesnâ€™t want anymore because he canâ€™t listen to baseball games on it), perhaps this will be a the best birthday gift Iâ€™ve gotten him yet. A tribute to Evan. Because after all, imitation is the highest form of flattery.
So without further ado, I bring you (in the style of [redacted]):
(note: none of these things are directed at Evan in particular, theyâ€™re for anyone whoâ€™s ever had a birthday.)
Top Then Thoughts To Make You Wish It Wasnâ€™t Your Birthday
10. You Arenâ€™t Dead – “Letâ€™s face it, things could be worse. You could have not woken up this morning.” Uh, thinking about how you are not dead yet really only reminds you that youâ€™re getting older. All youâ€™re doing is creeping along the road of life, getting fatter and uglier, more wrinkles, less hair, body parts are going to start to sagâ€¦and you havenâ€™t even done anything important yet! If this is really what comes to mind, I say youâ€™re probably better off dead.
9. Thereâ€™s Booze Involved â€“ You only think youâ€™re the life of the party when youâ€™re drunk. You wander around talking to every piece of ass you come across, and while you may think youâ€™re having a decent conversation and throwing in witty remarks that might get you laid later, youâ€™re actually saying something to the effect of â€œMan, the babes is boozy out tonight! I want some ffffffrench toast!â€ while reaching inside your pants to pick your wedgie. Just because youâ€™re the man/woman of the hour is no excuse to ruin your social reputation. Plus, you could get raped. Bad list entry, Evan.
8. I Donâ€™t Have To Bring My Wallet â€“ Which sounds fine until you at some point you and your â€œfriendsâ€ end up at a bar in Hollywood and donâ€™t realize until youâ€™re at the door that your ID is in your wallet and you have to convince someone to drive you all the way back home to get your license (turning that person into one of the people that hate you – see #7), at which point the alcohol will have caught up to you and you pass out slumped over the couch while said person who now hates you waits in the car for 20 minutes. Happy birthday, asshole.
7. Some Of These People Donâ€™t Hate You â€“ Sure. Some. A select few are actually hanging out with you on this big day because they think youâ€™re an OK person. But most of them are just there for the booze and the chicks. And so are you! You donâ€™t really care whoâ€™s around you, just as long as you can get nice and liquored up enough to give you the confidence to talk to the hot, or even not so hot, members of the opposite sex. The people who donâ€™t like you are directly getting in your way of doing what you want and having a good time.
6. You Could Get Raped â€“ Dude.
5. I Feel Better Than The New York Mets Right Now â€“ This one is directed at Evan. Sure you feel better because you arenâ€™t on that team of losers. But Evan, itâ€™s your favorite baseball team! If you know Evan like I do, you know how much he geeks out about the Mets. Whenâ€™s the last time they even got to the World Series? Huh?
4. My Parents Arenâ€™t Here â€“ Youâ€™re kidding, right? Those are the only people you should really have around on your birthday. You donâ€™t have to worry about them trying to steal your booze and women/men. They made you so they have to love you, and love to celebrate the day you finally popped out of your motherâ€™s vag. When you actually spend the special day with them in person, you need not pay for a single thing. Theyâ€™ll take you to breakfast, lunch, dinner, and buy you anything you want along the way. Youâ€™re such a special kid, you deserve it all! Oh wait â€“ your parents arenâ€™t with you? I guess all youâ€™ll get is a phone call and a card with a wrinkled five dollar bill tucked inside. Happy Birthday.
3. You Donâ€™t Have To Impress These Chicks â€“ In a way that can be a good thing. You donâ€™t have to rely on your looks or your charm or the hair products you used today. Itâ€™s your birthday, you will get all the attention you want. Itâ€™s one of very few days guys can easily get girls to buy them drinks and kiss them on the cheek. But as Evan put it, it doesnâ€™t matter because â€œnone of them want to sleep with youâ€ anyway! All the birthdays in the world PLUS your charm/looks/accoutrement isnâ€™t going to make the girl — who youâ€™ve known for 4 years, and watches Gossip Girl with you — want to sleep with you. Youâ€™re screwed tonight, and not in a good way.
2. Itâ€™s A Good Time To Be Alive â€“ Aaaahaha, good one Evan! I think the only good time to be alive, no matter what era youâ€™re in, is between the ages of 3 and 8. At that point youâ€™re not shitting yourself anymore, and you donâ€™t have to worry about bills or jobs or calorie intake or the next time youâ€™ll get laid. After that, seeing people kiss doesnâ€™t gross you out as much anymore, and itâ€™s all downhill from there.
1. It Could Be Worse â€“ Exactly. You could be 26 years old, still living with roommates, and have a job at a record store. And Jewish. And a blogger. Oh waitâ€¦
Luckily for Evan, the pre-birthday party held for him and a friend that shares the same birthday was a success. Lots of good beers and booze, good people, dancing, good music, and a hot girlfriend to boot, if I say so myself! What a lucky guy. Look at that picture of him dancing and enjoying himself in a pair of $100 jeans. See? He’s not a reclusive codger who sits at home and mopes all the time, no matter how much he claims to do just that. He only does that MOST OF THE TIME. Also, it seems like the actual birthday (today) is going well so far. Evan attended the First Seventh Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational in downtown LA earlier today, which Iâ€™m sure youâ€™ll hear about soon, and weâ€™ll feast on craft beers and the pizza of his choice tonight. Happy Birthday Evan! I love you!
Hey, listen to some of my favorite tunes for a change instead of Evan’s anti-conformist atonal crap!