A Birthday Top Ten Revisited

As you may or may not have read in the comment section of yesterday’s post, from the moment I started reading Evan’s “Top Ten Thoughts To Get You Through Your Birthday” list, I felt compelled to re-write the very same list in such a way as to make one believe that the ideas put forth by Evan are not at all reasons to be happy, but reasons to feel depressed, upset, pissed off, or otherwise disgruntled. It seemed like a very Evan thing of me to do. I had an almost “Evan vs. CNN Career Builder” attitude, only not as harsh or cynical. So, although I already got him a beer bottle opener/belt buckle from the Stone brewery (that works better in theory than in actuality) and a Sirius satellite radio home system (which I found out he doesn’t want anymore because he can’t listen to baseball games on it), perhaps this will be a the best birthday gift I’ve gotten him yet. A tribute to Evan. Because after all, imitation is the highest form of flattery.

So without further ado, I bring you (in the style of [redacted]):

(note: none of these things are directed at Evan in particular, they’re for anyone who’s ever had a birthday.)

Top Then Thoughts To Make You Wish It Wasn’t Your Birthday

10. You Aren’t Dead – “Let’s face it, things could be worse. You could have not woken up this morning.” Uh, thinking about how you are not dead yet really only reminds you that you’re getting older. All you’re doing is creeping along the road of life, getting fatter and uglier, more wrinkles, less hair, body parts are going to start to sag…and you haven’t even done anything important yet! If this is really what comes to mind, I say you’re probably better off dead.

9. There’s Booze Involved – You only think you’re the life of the party when you’re drunk. You wander around talking to every piece of ass you come across, and while you may think you’re having a decent conversation and throwing in witty remarks that might get you laid later, you’re actually saying something to the effect of “Man, the babes is boozy out tonight! I want some ffffffrench toast!” while reaching inside your pants to pick your wedgie. Just because you’re the man/woman of the hour is no excuse to ruin your social reputation. Plus, you could get raped. Bad list entry, Evan.

8. I Don’t Have To Bring My Wallet – Which sounds fine until you at some point you and your “friends” end up at a bar in Hollywood and don’t realize until you’re at the door that your ID is in your wallet and you have to convince someone to drive you all the way back home to get your license (turning that person into one of the people that hate you – see #7), at which point the alcohol will have caught up to you and you pass out slumped over the couch while said person who now hates you waits in the car for 20 minutes. Happy birthday, asshole.

7. Some Of These People Don’t Hate You – Sure. Some. A select few are actually hanging out with you on this big day because they think you’re an OK person. But most of them are just there for the booze and the chicks. And so are you! You don’t really care who’s around you, just as long as you can get nice and liquored up enough to give you the confidence to talk to the hot, or even not so hot, members of the opposite sex. The people who don’t like you are directly getting in your way of doing what you want and having a good time.

6. You Could Get Raped – Dude.

5. I Feel Better Than The New York Mets Right Now – This one is directed at Evan. Sure you feel better because you aren’t on that team of losers. But Evan, it’s your favorite baseball team! If you know Evan like I do, you know how much he geeks out about the Mets. When’s the last time they even got to the World Series? Huh?

4. My Parents Aren’t Here – You’re kidding, right? Those are the only people you should really have around on your birthday. You don’t have to worry about them trying to steal your booze and women/men. They made you so they have to love you, and love to celebrate the day you finally popped out of your mother’s vag. When you actually spend the special day with them in person, you need not pay for a single thing. They’ll take you to breakfast, lunch, dinner, and buy you anything you want along the way. You’re such a special kid, you deserve it all! Oh wait – your parents aren’t with you? I guess all you’ll get is a phone call and a card with a wrinkled five dollar bill tucked inside. Happy Birthday.

3. You Don’t Have To Impress These Chicks – In a way that can be a good thing. You don’t have to rely on your looks or your charm or the hair products you used today. It’s your birthday, you will get all the attention you want. It’s one of very few days guys can easily get girls to buy them drinks and kiss them on the cheek. But as Evan put it, it doesn’t matter because “none of them want to sleep with you” anyway! All the birthdays in the world PLUS your charm/looks/accoutrement isn’t going to make the girl — who you’ve known for 4 years, and watches Gossip Girl with you — want to sleep with you. You’re screwed tonight, and not in a good way.

2. It’s A Good Time To Be Alive – Aaaahaha, good one Evan! I think the only good time to be alive, no matter what era you’re in, is between the ages of 3 and 8. At that point you’re not shitting yourself anymore, and you don’t have to worry about bills or jobs or calorie intake or the next time you’ll get laid. After that, seeing people kiss doesn’t gross you out as much anymore, and it’s all downhill from there.

1. It Could Be Worse – Exactly. You could be 26 years old, still living with roommates, and have a job at a record store. And Jewish. And a blogger. Oh wait…

Luckily for Evan, the pre-birthday party held for him and a friend that shares the same birthday was a success. Lots of good beers and booze, good people, dancing, good music, and a hot girlfriend to boot, if I say so myself! What a lucky guy. Look at that picture of him dancing and enjoying himself in a pair of $100 jeans. See? He’s not a reclusive codger who sits at home and mopes all the time, no matter how much he claims to do just that. He only does that MOST OF THE TIME. Also, it seems like the actual birthday (today) is going well so far. Evan attended the First Seventh Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational in downtown LA earlier today, which I’m sure you’ll hear about soon, and we’ll feast on craft beers and the pizza of his choice tonight. Happy Birthday Evan! I love you!

Hey, listen to some of my favorite tunes for a change instead of Evan’s anti-conformist atonal crap!

Etta James – A Sunday Kind Of Love
Journey – Anyway You Want It
Regina Spektor – Back Of A Truck
Glen Hansard – Say It To Me Now

2 comments

  1. Stephen
    |

    *Those* are the $100 jeans? Yikes.

    And thanks for the uncharacteristically catchy tunes!

  2. |

    Nicely done! :-)

Leave a Comment

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload CAPTCHA.