Today is Record Store Day. Hopefully I’ll have some cool stories or pictures to go along with my account of the day tomorrow. For now, enjoy this wacky trip around the Internet news wire, with plenty of stories that were e-mailed to me by Jack. If you stumble upon a silly or far-out news story and think, “I wonder what Evan would have to say about this,” send me an e-mail and I’ll credit you with finding the story. Then you can give your parents the middle finger and exclaim, “I’ve had my name typed by somebody else on the Internet, ma! What have you ever done!”

• I don’t know if I linked to this story last week, but apparently Chimpanzees enter into “deals” whereby they exchange meat for sex. This according to the BBC, which has never improperly reported a monkey/ape news story. I almost went so far as to say they’re careful when reporting on primates, but then I remembered humans fall into the same order as those two species. In fact, humans and apes/monkeys also share the same family, subfamily and tribe in those categories of biological classification! Wow, we really are so much like apes. It makes me wonder…why haven’t more women in my life freely exchanged meat for sex with me? Is it because I only really like red meat, and women are pussies so they want to eat chicken or turkey? Whatever is responsible for my inability to exchange meat for sex, you can guarantee I will get to the bottom of it and figure out how to go about dropping as many loads as my primate/hominidae brothers in monkey and ape societies. [story]

• Poor, sweet, lovable, retarded, man-child Billy Corgan took to the Internet last week to “blog” about his plans for the future. He’s going to continue with Smashing Pumpkins, by the way, even though he’s the only original member left in the band. He actually thinks, “There is a difference in how I think and approach a body of work for the Pumpkins then say I would as a solo artist or under any other name.” Whatever gets you off, man. I’m pretty sure you’ve always had one sound, but if you want to pretend that you have three or four, and it will help you sleep better at night (so that you’re not writing as many songs), be my guest. My favorite part of his long-winded verbiage is when poor Billy boy says, “I’ve made many, many mistakes through the year,s and one of them is that I often rush headlong into my next album without really taking the time to reflect on what I’ve just done, and test my resolve a little on where I’m going…Right now we’re are just focused on about 5 or 6 songs, using them to try out some new feels to try a consistent foundation upon which to build…I’m shooting for 44 songs on this one.” Jesus Fucking Christ you moron. Talk about rushing headlong into a project. You say you’re trying to “relax” and “reflect,” but then announce your next project is going to be a 44-song album? I can’t wait to see what a fucking disaster this becomes.

• Jack sends this morbid story from New York. A man trying to evade police officers died in an accidental plunge into his apartment’s trash compactor. Ha? [story]

• Furthermore, Jack sends this story, about a fight over farting in Waco, Texas. Two men sharing a motel room got into a tiff when one guy farted. Then the other guy threw a knife at him, and then somehow one of the guys got stabbed in the chest. Nobody died, but the attacker will face charges. The farter just has to live with it, I guess. He should really start thinking about a better story for how he got those knife scars soon, before everyone finds out about his farts. [story]

• By now everybody has heard about “The Hipster Grifter,” but if you haven’t, here’s all you need to know, via the New York Observer. I have to say, even I — a person who would be completely flattered if a girl were to come onto him — would not be turned on by this girl saying, “I want to give you a handjob with my mouth,” or “I want you to throw your hotdog down my hall.” She’s repulsive. [story]

• Finally, a noteworthy article from CNN! Five tasty burger joints worth visiting. Too bad one of the people quoted in the article is Guy Fieri. That guy is a douche to the Nth degree. Go watch an episode of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” and tell me that you can stand his voice for thirty seconds, let alone thirty minutes. And have you seen the menus for his amazing rock ‘n roll restaurants (they’re not music themed, but Guy is a totally rock ‘n roll chef!)? Everything sounds disgusting and probably tastes worse. The five hamburgers described in this story, on the other hand, are definitely not disgusting. Anyone wanna go to Atlanta by way of Lafayette, Indiana and Holly Springs, Mississippi? We can always hit Louis’ Lunch in CT next time I’m in Jersey. [story

• "Physical attraction may be as old as time, but new studies are beginning to uncover the science behind sex appeal." Please stop, Oprah.com. There's no science behind sex appeal. You either look good to another person or you don't. Some men like dark-skinned women who yell loudly at dumb throwaway lines in a crowded movie theater. Some men prefer minuscule FOB Asian chicks with vaginas tighter than a Jew's budget. Some women like men with Neanderthal foreheads and jawlines. Some women like wussy fags they can boss around. There's no science to it. Trust me, it has nothing to do with ovulating scents or any of that science bullshit. Put me in a room with a bunch of ovulating, heinous looking women and watch me sit by myself in the corner playing on my phone. I'm not going to be aroused by their scent, because an ugly, ovulating female is still ugly. How about I slap the "science" label on that sentence and publish it on the Internet. Maybe then CNN will syndicate me! [story]

• Just in time for college graduation, here is a great list from CNN/Careerbuilder listing ten promising jobs for the class of 2009! Here’s hoping your $120,000 tuition paid for a degree in engineering or business, because if you didn’t you are shit out of luck, according to this article. For the rest of us, there’s still plenty of time to go back to school to major in electrical engineering or business administration, because pretty much those are the only jobs that are hiring right now. Boy, that makes me really happy I spent six-figures on a liberal arts education that didn’t include a single business or engineering class! Woo hoo! Fuck, I hate myself. [story

• I was really excited by this article, "Science vs. ESP: Skeptic Ponders UFOs, Mothman." Then I started reading, and I began to wonder, "When is he going to get to the part about the Mothman? That shit is creepy! Did you see that Richard Gere movie? Psychologically terrifying, I tell you!" So, I decided to search the article for instances of the word "Mothman." The first instance was found in the article's title, duh. The second was found in this sentence: "The skeptic isn't familiar with West Virginia's most famous paranormal resident, Mothman, but he is with Bigfoot." What the fuck? That's the only reference to Mothman in the article? What a piece of shit. Walt Williams (is that the same former NBA player? Is he a journalist now?) deserves to be fired for his gross journalistic blunder. You don't put Mothman in the title of your piece about a skeptic if that is the ONLY thing you're going to say about Mothman. Fuck you, Walt Williams. Fuck you and your career 11.8 points-per-game average. You sucked as a King, a Raptor and a Rocket. Stop reporting for CBS and go to hell! [story]

The Birthday Party – Big Jesus Trash Can
The Books – Getting The Done Job
World’s End Girlfriend –
Brainiac – Sexual Frustration
Bardo Pond – Endurance

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