My Mighty Return, And Thing That Piss Me Off

Oh, man. It feels so good to be blogging again. Like a blow job, you know? Can’t you tell how excited I am? I’ve already totally phoned in my most recent record review! So far since I’ve been back in the company of my precious laptop, I’ve done little to return to my asshole-ish ways. That’s going to change right now. By my count, I owe you a rant for Thursday, a top ten list for Friday, and a world news update for Saturday. I took care of the Sunday Mix Tape last night. Let’s see if I can’t squeeze the other three into one vulgarity-laiden blog post. Sure, I should probably be working on my entry for WFMU’s blog (which is due tomorrow, and I don’t have any idea what I’m going to write about…), but I’d rather hang out on my own website, with people who “get” me, where I can type the word “tittyfucker” without a bunch of angry feminists e-mailing me complaints.

Here’s a laugh: Baby Boomer teacher retirements a concern. I’m sure everybody is really bummed out that a generation of teachers will be retiring soon, especially when one considers that the generation in question is the baby boomers. I mean, we’re 9th in the world (among industrialized nations) in the share of citizens who possess at least a high school degree. Twenty years ago, we were ranked first in the world. When one considers that America spends more money per student in all levels of education than the rest of the world, we should be ranked higher. But we’re not. And maybe the teachers are responsible for that. And, surprise, over half of the educators in the US right now are baby boomers. Coincidence? I think not. Education is just one of the many, many ways ‘boomers will leave this country looking like the scorched earth left behind by the Soviet Union army during World War II. Many people (not just myself…) feel like they have fucked us up beyond repair. So, do your part and tell your parents to retire already and stop irreparably damaging our country. Or else we’ll have to institute our own Sunset Squad to take old people away forever, like the ones featured in that one episode of Futurama.

Just for shits and giggles, here’s a list of ten things not related to ‘boomers that piss me off:

- Colds – I’m sick right now. Most everyone I know is sick. My boss is sick. My girlfriend is kind of sick. Friends are sick. I’ve been fighting off a head cold since Friday. I’m a terrible sick patient. I complain a lot and feel lethargic and require pampering. At the same time, I have a hard time reconciling spending my hard-earned money on medicine or other remedies because I’m such a cheap Jew. I see those big boxes of Nyquil, but they cost $15, so I’ll buy the Tylenol Sinus Relief box because it’s $8 cheaper, and even if it doesn’t address any of my symptoms, I feel like I’ve actually done something to help me get over the illness. It’s retarded, backwards logic, but what else do you expect from a retard like me?

- The Postal Service – Since last week, the Post Office here in LA has managed to completely bungle my guaranteed “express” bank card, and two online orders I’ve made. After 15 days, I realized that the parcel I was expecting from San Francisco was probably never going to arrive. And after 19 days, that package from Long Island really should be here by now. Can the USPS suck any more? Probably, but in order to do so their entire workforce would have to consist of baby boomers.

- Obama – The lustre is starting to fade. Our President last week pledged to give at least $100 billion (and perhaps up to $300 billion) dollars to the International Monetary Fund to help other (non-American) G20 countries experiencing economic downturns. He’s already bailed out American banks to the tune of $700 billion, and now he’s going to bailout other countries’ banks too? Why? And what are we doing paying more than six times what China or any other nation would give? Even if he contributes the minimum amount expected, $100 billion, that’s the same amount the entire European Union would contribute to the IMF. The CBO said this year’s budget deficit is already $400 billion larger than expected, and next years forecast is already $430 billion more than the last estimate. This, of course, doesn’t reflect the plan to invest billions in overseas banks. I wish the president would focus more on home than abroad. Also, apologizing to the FRENCH for American “arrogance” is laughable. The French! C’mon, guy! You got it backwards!

- No TV – My apartment still doesn’t have a television, which hurts extra this month because baseball season is just starting and I can’t watch any games at home. There’s always the prospect of splitting the MLB Gameday package with Nate for the TV at Nicci’s house, but that didn’t work out too well last year considering most Mets games start at 7:10pm EST, which is 4:00 PST, or the exact middle of my work day. I guess I’m mostly bitter that living in LA makes it really hard to be a good Mets fan.

- Glasses – I’ve started to lament the fact that I have to wear glasses, especially because they require cleaning. I’m just not good at it. I always manage to leave streaks on the lenses and everything looks cloudy. Also, I mean, they’re glasses. Stupid nerds who play Magic The Gathering wear glasses, not scornful, lanky collector scum like yours truly. SIgh.

- People Who Still Talk On Their Cellphones While Driving Even Though Its Against The Law – I was almost killed twice last week by pieces of shit who didn’t see me turning out of a parking or side street lot because they were gabbing on their phones. I pulled up next to a fat little Mexican guy in a white truck and honked at him until he looked at me. Then I mimed holding a phone to my ear, and showed him how to properly hang up the phone and focus on driving. He just looked at and kept talking, so I gave him the finger and mouthed the words “fucking die” to him. He sped off when the light turned. That was one of the first times in my life I wanted to exit my vehicle and beat somebody to a bloody pulp. It doesn’t happen often. The other time was a dumb brunette bitch who I would have flipped off if I hadn’t hastily convinced myself that she tried to kill me because she secretly wanted to blow me.

- $2.25 bagels – That’s the price of a plain bagel with no butter or cream cheese at a nearby cafe/coffeeshop. Can you fucking believe that? $2.25 for a bagel? And it’s not even a good bagel! It tastes the same as the ones at the other coffeeshop near where I work, and those ones cost a dollar and a quarter less. Who the fuck does the proprietor of that establishment thing he is, charging more for a fucking bagel than Trader Joe’s charges for 6 bagels? I could answer that, because I’ve spoken to the guy many, many times, but never about the cost of his bagels. I like to think he’ll go out of business soon and then I’ll have the last laugh, but I’ll also have to walk an extra half-mile in the morning if I don’t already have bagels in my apartment.

- Bars that forget to give the free shot with their 1 beer 1 shot special – Granted, we didn’t specify that we wanted the free shot to go with our beers last week, but Jesus Christ…shouldn’t that be the default? They had no problem delivering multiple plates of free tacos, but when it came to the shitty well tequila, somehow the bartenders wanted to horde every precious (foul) drop? Bullshit. That’s just lazy bartending. Even if I wasn’t drunk I probably wouldn’t have said anything. I think at that point I was more concerned with inventing new dance moves to worry about whether or not another shot made it into my body, but it is my belief that if a bar has a nightly buy X get Y special, you shouldn’t have to specify each time you want Y, they should just assume everybody does.

- Earthquakes – We had another tiny one last night, a little tremor/jolt that shook the house for a second just as a bus was passing by outside. Apparently it was centered in Echo Park. A few hours before, there was one centered in Silverlake. Earthquakes piss me off because they could potentially kill me. I don’t think any of you could argue with that logic, unless you’re a real sonofabitch. In that case, fuck you.

- You – What the fuck? You didn’t miss me? Not a single person wrote to say they were happy to see me return to blogging. You’re all assholes as far as I’m concerned, except for Stephen in Japan and Seth here in California. You’re immune to my hatred because of your generous contributions to the Swan Fungus empire. And by “empire” I mean alcohol fund. The rest of you lot could learn a thing or two from those upstanding blog readers. Until then, go to your rooms and fellate yourselves and think about what you’ve done.

There, did that accomplish anything? I linked to one news story, it was about boomers, I ranted about it, then wrote a list of things that I could rant about further. You should all be satisfied. Because I am.