Loading ...On Dating And Desperation
By Evan ~ April 20th, 2009. Filed under: lists.
If these are the types of articles CNN — you know, “It’s Not News, It’s CNN” CNN — wants to run, they’re going to have to endure my wrath.
So, little Judy McGuire (that’s not even a fake name!) got her heartbroken and several years later wrote a dating/relationship feature that was syndicated by CNN. It’s called Don’t Let Dating Dry Spell Turn Desperate. It’s not even a complete fucking setence! What the shit? Oh well, CNN published it. Kudos, bitch. Enjoy the shitty paycheck. Too bad the whole post-relationship desperation angle has been done before. Even I’ve tackled that one, and I’ve got as much journalistic ingenuity as a second grader reporting on the results of video games (Oh my God, I used to do that as a child…Oh my God, I still do that as an adult!). Unfortunately for Ms. McGuire — and the entire Internet — no one gives better dating advice than I do.
Any evidence you need can be found by clicking on the “Adventures In Dating” category. Read any of those stories, and the interview I conducted with an ex, and you’ll see that as far as sex advice goes, I’m like the Dr. Ruth of the blog world. If that’s not enough, here are some top ten lists I’ve written that deal with the whole male/female paradigm:
• The Top Ten Reasons Girls Are Insecure
• The Top Ten Bits Of Advice For Being Noticed By (And Consequently Bedding) Ladies
• Top Ten Ways To End A Date Early
• The Top Ten Reasons To Go On A Date
• The Top Ten Bad Conversation Topics For A First Date
The best parallel I can draw to the advice given by Ms. McGuire is my list, “The Top Ten Best Ways To Get Over Her.” My work speaks directly to the other chick’s article, except it is funnier and smarter and everything else that makes me a Pultizer-worthy author and her some stupid chick that writes for an online publication with a stupid name. The Frisky. What the fuck does that even mean?
Anyway, here’s why her list is wrong:
1. Ex-chatter: She thinks there’s something wrong with talking about your ex to someone else you’re interested in. As long as you’re not crying and fingering yourself while out having a drink, you should absolutely be able to talk about your ex without it being a bad thing. For one thing, if you hint that your ex was a good person, it will subconsciously force your new person of interest to try that much harder to impress you. Just make sure you temper that with some barbs about how much your ex sucked at certain things. Let your date know that you remember the past, but are looking forward to something new and better in the future. From my own personal experiences, I think it is best to tell a date that your ex was “afraid of sex” because he or she will either be really anxious to show you how not scared they are, or they will become so frightened they will totally forget to notice just how “weird” your genitals are. That’s not a direct quote from my life, by the way…
2. Fixating On the Wildly Inappropriate: McGuire thinks this is a a bad thing. Let me tell you again, from personal experience, the best fucking first date hard-on I ever got came from a girl who had just broken up with her boyfriend, drank too much, and started talking about her dildo. She offered to take it out of her purse and show it to me. Somehow, I managed not to parlay that date into filthy, animalistic, drunken sex. I don’t remember what happened, but at the end of the night she was taking a cab uptown to her apartment and I went downtown and drank alone for another few hours. We never had a second date because I texted her some stupid joke about diamonds and watches and she didn’t understand it, then proceeded to never return another call or text. So not only did she fixate on the wildly inappropriate, she wound up rejecting me! Explain that away, Judy McGuire!
3. Broadcast news: It’s “cringe inducing” when someone talks loudly about how long it’s been since they last fucked. Not true! I went to this girl’s place once with some friends. At some point she and I were talking and I let slip that I hadn’t had sex in months. By the end of the night we were making out in the foyer of her apartment building and she was begging me to the stay the night. Also, I was in a relationship at the time. Uh…OK! …Moving on!
4. Gun-jumpers: Lastly, stupid Judy McGuire says that it frightens people away when you move too fast. This, of course, is obvious. Every man and every woman knows that you need to have your dick in at least a dozen vaginas before you’re ready to settle down (and vice versa for women). Until then, you are always casually dating. Whether you know it or not. Even if the girl is like, “Oh (insert name), I want to be with you forever!”, you have to respond by saying, “Yeah well, you’re number 8 so…we’ll see.” She’ll understand. If she doesn’t, go find number 9 and keep your nose to the grindstone!
And that’s how you write an intelligent, funny relationship article. Next week I’ll tackle date rape: the silent comedy.
Magnolia Electric Co. – Rock Of Ages
Glenn Gould – Part Invention #15 In B-Minor
John Jacob Niles – The Sea Witch
Wendy Carlos – The Shining Main Theme
Magnolia Electric Co. – The Compass, The Candle, The Bell
April 21st, 2009 at 6:58 am
Thanks for the other two Magnolia Electric Co. tracks!
April 21st, 2009 at 8:37 am
In The Name of Polluting Evan’s Blog:
[1/2]
“Diver Claims To Have Seen Steve Irwin’s Ghost”
allnewsweb.com
Pino Termini of Naples in the south of Italy has spent more hours underwater than most. Having dived for the Italian Navy for seven years he now spends much of his time traveling the globe in search of the ultimate diving experience. None of this prepared him for what he claims to have seen during his last expedition. Last month he arrived at Port Douglas in tropical North Queensland for his eighth time, The Great Barrier Reef being one of his favorite playgrounds. He had heard that Batt Reef was worth a plunge into the deep blue. He chartered a boat from Port Douglas and made his way out to the area he planned to explore.
‘As I started my dive I saw somebody and was surprised because I saw no other boats around, then I noticed that the person had no oxygen tank or mask, the person swam towards me and I realized that it was none other than the crocodile hunter himself: Steve Irwin. I freaked out, but he looked calm and at peace’
‘I have seen a lot underwater but never a ghost. It was as if he was looking after the spot where he met his end, I felt that I should not impose myself on his turf as it was his and it seemed as if he was caring for the living creatures there.’ Termini said of his traumatic diving experience.
[2/2]
“Scientists Find Gloomy Days Are Good For Brain”
Daily Mail
Next time you find yourself drenched in an unexpected downpour, look on the bright side – it’ll be a memorable experience.
While wet weather may make us feel gloomy, it sharpens the memory and improves our recall, psychologists say.
But those who feel in a good mood because it’s a sunny day are able to remember less well, according to memory tests carried out by Australian researchers.
Professor Joe Forgas, who led the research, said: ‘It seems counter-intuitive but a little bit of sadness is a good thing.
‘People performed much better on our memory test when the weather was unpleasant and they were in a slightly negative mood. On bright sunny days, when they were more likely to be happy and carefree, they flunked it.’
The tests were carried out on shoppers at a store in Sydney, where researchers randomly placed ten small ornamental objects on the check-out counter.
They included plastic animal figures, a toy cannon, a pink piggy bank and four small matchbox-sized vehicles, including a red London bus and a tractor.
On rainy days, sad music was played in the store including requiems or slow pieces by Chopin.
When it was bright and sunny, customers heard cheery music such as Bizet’s Carmen and Gilbert and Sullivan tunes.
This was done to ‘further influence them towards negative or positive moods’, said researchers at the University of New South Wales School of Psychology.
After shopping, customers were asked how many of the objects they could remember.
Their scores were three times higher when the weather was bad and they were feeling grumpy, compared with those tested on sunny days. The results were published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology.
Joe Forgas.jpg
A report on the findings said: ‘They point to a growing body of evidence that the way people think, the quality of their judgments and the accuracy of their memory are all significantly influenced by positive and negative moods.’
Professor Forgas said: ‘We predicted and found that weather-induced negative mood improved memory accuracy.
Shoppers in a negative mood showed better memory and higher discrimination ability.’
He said a worse mood helped to focus people’s attention on their surroundings and led to a more thorough and careful thinking style, while happiness increased confidence and forgetfulness.
He said: ‘Being happy tends to promote a thinking style that is less focused on our surroundings.’
‘In a positive mood we are more likely to make more snap judgments about people we meet.
‘We are more forgetful and yet we are paradoxically far more likely to be over-confident that our recall is correct.
‘Mild negative mood, in turn, tends to increase attention to our surroundings and produce a more careful, thorough thinking style.
‘Accurately remembering mundane, everyday scenes is a difficult and demanding task, yet such memories can be of crucial importance in everyday life, as well as in forensic and legal practice.
‘Surprisingly, the influence of mood states on the accuracy of real-life memories is still poorly understood.’
May 14th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
[...] month I wrote about Dating and Desperation as viewed through the lens of an article penned by Judy McGuire and syndicated on CNN’s [...]