On Oliver Perez, LOST, Edendale Post Office, Puppies & Kart

So, uh, you wanna pay me $12 million dollars a year to totally suck, or what?

What a rough day. Oliver Perez got bombed by the Cincinnati Reds. So, in other words, he’s in mid-season form! 8 runs in 4.1 innings, 5 hits, 5 walks. What a piece of shit. It’s a good thing the Mets are paying him $12 million dollars a year to absolutely suck. Meanwhile, Derek Lowe absolutely dominated the Phillies in his first start of the season, but apparently $3 million dollars more for an absurdly better pitcher is just too much for the Mets to pay. If Perez’s next start is as bad as this one, I’m going to start a “Fire Omar Minaya” blog. What a fucking douche!

I think Nate might have nailed it last night with his latest theory. (LOST spoiler ahead). The 2nd island survivors of Ajira 316 are actually members of the DHARMA Initiative, and they’ve come to stake their rightful claim to the island. It’s been many years since the purge, and obviously that event only exterminated the folks on the island. DHARMA headquarters in Ann Arbor surely got wind of what happened and wanted to send more people there, right? But for a long time Ben was jamming all communications to/from the island with The Looking Glass station, and it was nearly impossible to even find the island until Desmond imploded the hatch with the failsafe key, so DHARMA has been unable to make their way back to continue…whatever it was they were doing there…for, like, almost thirty years! The impending war will have to be fought by the “others” (including the Oceanic 815) and the DHARMA war party. I imagine that war party has a huge case filled with guns and ammo, too. But someone else suggested maybe it’s a big drill, and the 2nd islanders are going to go dredge up Jughead and hold everybody hostage with it. Either way…LOST!

I want to start a website dedicated to the Edendale Post Office. My experience there was worthy of three blog posts. I finally got to speak to somebody there who isn’t a complete moron today. I don’t want to use names on this website, but maybe one day soon I’ll subtly take pictures of all the employees there, and make a team roster with scouting reports about how fucking retarded the majority of the staff is. I’ll call it EdendalePOS (get it, like “piece of shit”?). I might even go so far as to stalk some of the local mail trucks so I can see how productive they are while driving their routes. I know for a fact my deliveryman is a mongoloid because he has never quite figured out how to get the mail from one side of the security gate to the other. I wonder if the others are just as stupid. If you think I’m being overly harsh about the post office, you have no idea what it’s really like. Even it’s Yelp score is an abysmal 1.5 stars. The two customer reviews are hilarious. See for yourself. Other websites are hip to the Edendale post office problem, too:

• The Downfall Of Edendale Station Post Office
• East Sider LA

I went to the Burbank Animal Shelter today. It was depressing. Nicci wanted to look at kittens, but there weren’t any. They had a room filled with dogs and I wanted to take them all home and care for them, but owning a dog is a comittment I don’t think I’m ready to make right now, considering I can barely afford to feed myself let alone a small, defenseless little critter. It’s on my 101/1001 list, so I guess I have to save one from a shelter by October 2010. I only hope I have a more realistic salary by then so that I can take it home with me and keep it alive for a while.

Pat wants me to point out to everyone that if you’re not following the Mario Kart Wii League (see: Standings), you’re missing a beautiful thing. The battle for first place is getting rather close. Nate has overtaken Pat by two points in the Wii Circuit Conference, and I’m just six points behind with two or three games to make up. Our two expansion “teams,” Tom and Shaun, aren’t doing so well. That’s okay, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays weren’t good for a decade before they reached the World Series.

Fucking Oliver Perez. I knew from the moment I realized he was pitching today that this was going to be a bad day.