Happy weekend, weekenders! Sorry this Weekly World Wnews update is short, but I have to run to work and then I’m hitting two parties tonight, so I won’t have time for a well-thought-out blog entry. Settle for this, will ya?

• Does professional gaming have a future? Stuart Andrews at bit-tech wonders why the possibility of people playing video games for a living has lost steam in recent years. As recently as three years ago, MTV, Sky and other networks were airing championships for various gaming events. Will there ever be a future in which gamers are held in as high esteem as athletes or entertainers? I don’t know (that’s my nice way of saying “No”), but if the world ever needs someone to look to in a time of worldwide depression, I would have to suggest Eat Me Out, the current points leader in the highly competitive Mario Kart Wii Circuit League. You’ve heard Eat’s “controller” Pat speak about his Mii character at great length before. If competitive gaming is able to rise up again and become a serious profession, Eat Me Out would be the perfect ambassador for a Mario Kart Wii-related sports. [story]

• Here’s a really cool story about someone finding a message in a bottle that was dated from 1913! What would make it cooler would be if there was an actual message included in the bottle, and not just some note from a loser saying, “If you find this, write me back!” That’s like having a girl pick you up at the bar by saying, “I’m so horny and I need a good fuck,” then you get her home and she passes out because she’s too drunk. I mean, yeah, you can still put it in her butt while she’s sleeping, but it’s just not the same. It’s not a true victory, you know? [story

• The LA Times blog, of all places, is running a story about "The Road to Area 51". As soon as I read, "The problem is the myths of Area 51 are hard to dispute if no one can speak on the record about what actually happened there. Well, now, for the first time, someone is ready to talk," I knew I was in for a treat. Contradictory sentences within the same paragraph are the hallmark of great/awful journalism. Yeah, start a paragraph by stating that no one is allowed to talk about Area 51, and then follow it up with a declaration that five former Area 51 employees are going to talk to you. Smart move. Your credibility is over, and you haven't even gotten to the meat of your story yet. If that's not enough, check out the cool spelling choices author Anne Jacobson uses to aid her blog. She hyphenates both "tita-nium" and "unprece-dented". Finally, it makes sense why newspapers across the country are failing... [story]

• Two dudes from Morris County, NJ have been fined and sentenced to community service for trying to create their own UFO hoaxes. We have a little saying back in Essex County, New Jersey (which I just made up). It goes like this: “Welcome To Morris County! Population: Fags.” Let’s see if it catches on! [story]

• In response to my singlehandedly carrying the torch for online Top Ten lists, other websites are beginning to try their hand at the artform. Live Science is running an article about the Top 10 Weird Ways We Deal With The Dead. The list includes entries such as, “Zoroastrians believe the body is impure and shouldn’t pollute the earth after death through burial or cremation. Instead, the deceased are brought to a ceremonial “tower of silence”, usually located on an elevated mountain plateau, and left exposed to the animals and elements. When the bones have been dried and bleached by the sun, they are gathered and dissolved in lime.” Fascinating stuff, really. I’ve decided that I want a Viking funeral. Also, the author’s choice to include a picture of Mike Meyers from the movie Austin Powers as a means of showing cryogenic freezing makes me wonder if he or she is retarded. [story]

• A second top ten list was published this week by The Guardian (UK). Author Owen Davies has compiled a list of the top ten grimoires, or “books that contain a mix of spells, conjurations, natural secrets and ancient wisdom.” The list includes, “The Sixth and Seventh Books Of Moses,” “Dragon Rouge,” “The Fourth Book Of Occult Philosophy” and “The Necronomicon” among others. Classy move using a photograph of Sarah Michelle Gellar in Buffy The Vampire Slayer to illustrate someone reading a grimoire. God, how fucking lazy are bloggers online journalists? Why not find a picture not pop-culture related to aid your story? That’d be like me using a picture of Will Ferrell as an expression of how smart this blog is. [story]

Lightning Bolt – Infinity Farm
Secret machines – Breathe
Alice Cooper – Sick Things
Blur – End Of A Century
Bee Gees – The Earnest Of Being George

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