The Top Ten Keys To A Successful Barbecue

April 10, 2009

SCarter nailed it. Donate to the website because it’s sounded all week like I need a drink. You all should be so concerned for my well-being as I have been shockingly sober lately (and I don’t mean solemn). Don’t worry, everyone, there’s a birthday barbecue happening tonight and I will most assuredly enjoy myself. I just hope the only booze options aren’t Miller Light or Pacifico Clara.

Since the weather is beginning to warm on the West Coast, I can only imagine that the Right Coast will begin warming soon as well. Soon enough, all you city-dwellers will be barbecuing on your balconies. You suburban fancy-pants folks will be drinking beers in your yard and grilling up feasts as well. So it is my pleasure to help you plan a great summer barbecue (it’s never too early when red mead is involved). Here’s a Friday top ten that’s so rare it’s served still bleeding. I don’t quite know what that means, so just pretend I made a bloody rape joke and not a barbecue joke instead.

The Top Ten Keys To A Successful Barbecue

10. Meats – No vegetarians or vegans allowed at a successful barbecue. If you want to grill some zucchini or corn as a side dish option, that’s fine, but the entire point of a barbecue is to eat meat. You need some good burgers, some hot dogs (maybe even a few bacon-wrapped, cheese-filled hotdogs), sausages, brats, chicken, pork…I don’t know, duck? What else can you slather hot sauce or BBQ sauce on and grill? I guess you could grill up some fish, but even fish is kind of a pussy thing to eat at a barbecue. You’re there to kneel before the holy grill, which was pretty much made to cook up meats. Walking up to the chef with your plate and asking for salmon is like telling the gang rapists in the prison shower to “be gentle”.

09. Beers – Under normal circumstances, you know I would recommend drinking fine craft beers. Not at a barbecue. When I grill, I want to drink Paulaner, or — I know, gross — Rolling Rock. There’s something about summer and heat that compels me to put aside my beer bias and reach for those two beers. When I was planning a 4th of July barbecue in ’05, Rolling Rock was a key ingredient for success.

08. Sluts – Preferably young ones who don’t know any better, wearing short-shorts and undersized t-shirts. Ones who don’t know their limit when drinking. Oh, and one fat one to feel self-conscious and put off weird vibes the entire time.

07. Tunes – Music is an entirely overlooked aspect of any barbecue. You can’t just put anything on your stereo and expect everyone to dig it while they’re chewing on juicy burgers and getting greasy fluids all over their hands and faces. Don’t get too kitschy with your playlist, or your ‘cue is going to come across like a shitty ’80s movie (no: Prince, Beach Boys, Bananarama, or Ritchie Valens). I think Polvo is pretty good barbecue music. You figure out the rest.

06. One Of These Things – They call it a “bacon explosion”. It consists of two pounds of thick-cut bacon, 2 pounds of Italian sausage, and a lot of BBQ sauce / rub. Just look at those pictures. It’s, like, the culinary equivalent of jerking off on a girl’s chest only to have her stop you right before climax by saying, “Do you think it would be alright if you finished all over my face?” Say no more.

05. Water – You should have a pool or a slip’n’slide or a sprinkler…something to cool off with when temperatures are high. Even a hose would work. Especially if you have already accomplished number 8 on this list. Spray some of the women on the face and breasts with that hose and you’ll be the talk of the party amongst the males. If you’re a rich fucker with a pool, it is your duty to host the barbecue. If you have a kiddie pool…you’re probably a pedophile.

04. No Bees – Scour the Internet if you want, but there are tons of ways people have suggested for how to keep bees away from you while you’re eating outdoors. I’ve heard opening cans of soda or beer and placing them at strategic locations around your dining area will help. I’ve also heard that the sugars from fruit attracts bees, so maybe leave some fruit at the perimeter of your party, like John or Dave. They’re total fruits, and the bees will be too smitten with them to land anywhere near your food.

03. Baseball (OR: Wiffleball) – If not music, you need a baseball game on the radio, a baseball game on a portable television, or a game of wiffleball to capture the essence of a yard party or barbecue. This is pretty much the only constant in my childhood memories of neighborhood parties. The old men watched baseball on a tiny portable TV and drank beers while the kids played wiffleball. Those two things go with barbecues like condoms go with bland sexual intercourse.

02. Someone To Pick On – It’s never a party unless you have a designated “nerd” or “fag” to take the brunt of the jokes people will be making at your barbecue.

01. Good Weather – Obviously, this is the most important key to a successful barbecue. Without good weather, you might as well not even bother. You’ll have to sit indoors and talk to people instead of laying out in the sun, stoned on fucking pills and drinking great booze.


  1. gretchen

    Rolling Rock?!? Rolling Rock should be sold with Mr. Yuk stickers on the bottles. But I guess if you run out you could just substitute some Alka-Seltzer since they taste pretty much the same. No one would ever know!

    I think you should add barbecue sauce to your list.

  2. ken white


Leave a Comment

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload CAPTCHA.