The Top Ten Signs Your Life Has Become Pathetic

May 29, 2009

Earlier this week I opined about how there are moments in one’s life that signify a person has, well, jumped the shark. Actually, it’s worse than jumping the shark. I declared that there are many, many times in a person’s life when they could (and should) realize that they are utterly pathetic. There is definitely a difference between having one moment when you realize that your life has reached its apex — all that potential energy becomes kinetic energy as you roll rapidly downhill towards your fate — and having many, many moments when you tell yourself (or somebody else tells you) that what you are doing is pitiful. One hurts way more than the other. Everybody jumps the shark at some point, but some people perpetually do inane and woeful things that make the rest of us look at them like the fucking losers they are.

So, I asked you to comment or e-mail me a list of moments or ideas or actions that embody a woeful existence. For example: Sitting down and eating at a Dunkin Donuts instead of just driving-through or carrying-out is pathetic. Nobody eats at a Dunkin Donuts. You’d have to be a fucking idiot with no friends in order to actually have the time (and the strength) to sit down at a tiny donut stand by yourself to eat. On the other hand, playing in a softball league and tripping over second base while going from first to third, rolling over twice, and badly bruising your toe in the process is not pathetic. It’s not pathetic because you’ve signed up for a softball league, and that shows you have initiative, you want to exercise, and you have friends with whom to enjoy the experience. Also, it’s not pathetic because that happened to me last night, and I’m definitely not pathetic. I might be un-athletic and gawky, but that doesn’t mean I should give up on life like the rest of the miserable dolts I’m about to crucify. I’ll write a recap of that softball game when Kt sends me the pictures.

Thank you to those who e-mailed me. You are credited where credit is due.

The Top Ten Signs Your Life Has Become Pathetic

Honorable Mention:
Starting A Blog In 2009 – “That ship has sailed. If you just now had an original idea for a blog, somebody else has already beaten you to it. Give up and focus on something else.” – Joey
Obscene Purchases – “The exact moment when you dish out a grand to buy an old piece of vinyl. The building-up to that moment can be quite exhilarating, but on that exact moment it seems the world comes tumbling down.” – Joao, I’ve gotten as high as $350 but I can’t imagine ever dropping a grand on a record. There’s nothing that valuable that I even desire. I imagine dropping that much money on any “collectible” item is equally deplorable, so I agree with you 100%.
Wearing sweatpants – It stopped being fashionable in middle school, but I donned a pair last night for my softball game. You’d better believe I won’t make the same mistake twice. Sorry, world.
Classmates.com – “You know that website that advertises all over the Internet? If you’ve signed up for it you are unbelievably pathetic.” – Bob

Note: Why do all my readers have such generic names (not you, Joao!)? Are your parents retarded?

10. Eating At A Buffet – This goes for HomeTown Buffet, Sizzler, Ponderosa Steakhouse, or any of those other chain buffets that line highways across the nation. I can’t count how many Cici’s Pizzas and Ponderosa’s I’ve driven by in my many travels, and each time I see one I shake my head as I pass, because I know that inside that “restaurant” there is a gathering of all the biggest white trash dopes in a ten or fifteen mile radius. Fat people. Sweatpants. Immigrants. Pediphiles. Social outcasts. They’re all well represented at your local chain buffet.

09. Shopping For Deals – If you’re the kind of person that looks at an item in a store and then wonders if they can find it cheaper elsewhere, you are not alone. Many people have the same thought when given the opportunity to purchase something. Where normal people differ from sorry sacks of shit is the point at which a person decides to go home and search online or in a newspaper for coupons or leads that will enable them to save a few pennies. It’s fine for old people to do this because they have nothing left to live for, but if you’re under the age of 70 and you’ve ever found yourself putting something back on a shelf because you wanted to “investigate further,” you’re an awful, worthless person.

08. Signing Into MySpace – “Anyone who signs into MySpace anymore should be ashamed. If you’ve left a comment on another user’s profile within the past year, you should feel even worse. Bands included. Hell, bands especially!” – Stephan, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I signed in a few weeks ago to check a message from a record label overseas, but other than that I can’t think of any reason to use the social networking service anymore. Considering how many shitty bands there are on MySpace, you could go so far as to say “Signing your band up for a MySpace page” is by itself concrete evidence of a miserable life.

07. Going To The Movies Alone – Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things people do by themselves that should not arouse pity. It’s alright if a person goes to a concert alone because there’s always a bar there where you can hang out and get plastered. You can go on a trip alone because maybe no one else could get off work or afford it. Going to the movies alone is sad because the rest of the audience consists of families, people on dates, and friends who are about to go out and get loaded. By being in a movie theater yourself, you might as well be telling the world that you have zero friends and nobody you know gives a shit about you enough to sit next to you for 90 minutes. If the “movie” is X-rated, this immediately catapults you into an entirely different stratosphere of pitiful.

06. Late Night Ordering-in Of Fast Food – If you’re trashed in the wee morning hours and you decide you want something to eat, don’t go looking for some shitty take-out menu. Get up and go somewhere. I don’t care if it’s “illegal” to drive in that kind of state — when you’re hammered and its late at night you grab your friends and you go make a scene at some local eatery. You don’t sit alone in your apartment eating chinese food. That’s wrong. It’s not only an insult to 24-hour diner owners across the country, it’s an insult to us normal folk who know it’s better to be loud and obnoxious in public with friends than eating noodles alone in the dark. I haven’t yet decided if it’s pathetic or not to have a tamale guy’s phone number stored in your cell phone, but when I do you can guarantee I’m gonna let Nate know whether or not he’s a loser.

05. Liking the Arcade Fire – I’ve made many, many, many, many, many, many references to how much I hate this band in the past. If you call yourself a “fan” of this “music,” you are leading the shallowest of shallow lifestyles. You can find more depth in a pile of dirt than the music of those pretentious, preening fops. You can actually trace the demise of independent music to the release of that pernicious album about their dead grandparents. They don’t rock. They aren’t in any way inventive. There is no substance and no message. It is all pomp and style. It’s definitely not art. It is bullshit. It’s bad Bruce Springsteen meets a bunch of mongoloid fourth graders.

04. Eating Creamed Corn – Look at this and tell me that eating it wouldn’t make you feel like the biggest asshole in the world. Hands down, creamed corn is one of the most pathetic items ever. Looking at a can in the supermarket is enough to make you depressed. Imagine how taking it home and cooking it would make you feel. Something tells me we’ll never know, because anyone who has eaten creamed corn has surely blown their brains out by now.

03. Drinking Light Beer – I don’t know about you, but any time I’m forced to drink a light beer (Miller, Coors, et al.) I feel like I might as well tear my penis off and surgically create a vagina in its place. It rarely happens because I’d rather drink soda or water than light beer, but there have been at least two or three instances in my life where I’ve been forced into it, and I’ll be damned if those aren’t considered the two or three worst days of my life. I could’ve gotten fucked by three models in the morning, and blown by four more in the afternoon, but if I had to go out to a party later that night and drink a Miller Light the day would be an epic failure. God have mercy on any soul that consumes that piss.

02. Going Home And Jerk Off After A First Date – You might as well just declare yourself sexually inept and slit your wrists. If you can’t get laid on a first date, there are exactly two things you should do. Number one, you should call up some friends and get drunk together and have a good time. Your completely lackadaisical approach to the male-female paradigm will actually manifest itself in these nearly-invisible chemicals that your body will release and — magically — find their way to the girl and make her regret not fucking you. Number two, you should call up another girl who will get you laid, and get laid. That’ll show the dumb bitch who wouldn’t fuck you who the real loser is. Any other reaction than those two specific reactions means you are a loser. If you actually go home and beat off your life has become so pathetic you should just stay indoors and live like a recluse. Don’t bother talking to anybody ever again, because they’ll smell failure all over you. And if you go home and beat off while fantasizing about your date…may a serial killer enter your home in the middle of the night and put an end to your life so your closest friends won’t have to.

01. Olive Garden – Don’t even get me started about the Olive Garden. It’s only the biggest sign of pitifulness ever, so much so that it makes second place on this list seem way cooler. What could you possibly be thinking when you decide you’re going to eat a meal at Olive Garden? Clearly you’re not thinking, otherwise you would realize that there is no purpose left to your life if you eat there. If you’re going to eat at an Olive Garden, you should just give up completely and give into all your pathetic urges. Wear velcro sneakers and elastic-wasit pants. Drink Fanta. Debate yourself on the merits of Uwe Boll movies. Befriend middle school kids without being a pervert. Own a pet snake. Literally anything in the world is cooler than eating at Olive Garden. Even using the world “literally” is more socially acceptable, and that’s one of the top ten worst words in the English language! Olive Garden. Ugh!

33 comments

  1. pat
    |

    Great blog, best one yet for sure. I’ve gone pretty fucking low, but I’ve never SAT and eaten or dranken anything at Dunkin Donuts, and I love Dunkin Donuts! It fact I worship it for it’s ability to make me feel as if I’m inside a Normal Rockwell painting but at the same time allowing me to maintain my contempt for everything living.

    I have a very clear Jump the Shark moment now. It was when I dropped that catch last night. The only thing that was missing was a leather jacket.

  2. |

    American culture is very complicated. I will have to do a lot of studying before I’ll ever visit your fasscinating country. The creamed corn would be a don’t in any country, I guess.

  3. |

    I knew my life was pathetic, but didn’t know it has been this way for so long.

  4. Kurt
    |

    This is like a Jeff Foxworthy routine compiled by pretentious hipster douchebags.

  5. James
    |

    Re: #10 and #1
    Just this afternoon, I was sitting with Uwe Boll in Super Buffet 2000 (the best name for any Chinese buffet, by the way), and he was very upset that I chose Asian(-ish… they had pizza, french fries and bunch of other non-Asian food…”what the fuck, I said to myself, I came here stuff my sweatpants full of quality Asian cuisine) instead of the local Olive Garden that he frequents. I calmed him down by telling him he was unjustly robbed of his Oscar and that the Academy couldn’t appreciate the caliber of his art. Then we stared hungrily at the young immigrant boys that were running around and casually joked that they too were part of the buffet and we might need bigger plates. By the way, we prefer to be called ‘pedOphiles’, not ‘pedIphiles’.

  6. |

    Well, I’m pretty screwed then. I just logged into Myspace for the first time in months, I regularly enjoy going solo to the movies and I still love Arcade Fire’s first album. Oh well, at least I’ll have plenty of company.

  7. Jacob
    |

    Evan, you’ve probably done all of this in the past you prick. Arcade Fire are one of the most relevant bands in indie rock right now.

  8. |

    I knew I was pathetic, I just didn’t realize there were warning signs for those around me to stay away. When I sign into MySpace I see yet again how little changes from week to week, telling me I’m the only one logging in.

    At least I’m not crying myself to sleep after eating cold creamed corn straight from the can, followed by three or four light beers in that cold shower. Not anymore, anyway.

  9. Anonymous
    |

    I think to actually take the time to tell other people what you think is pathetic IS pathetic. To actually think and compile a list is very lame YOU my friend are pathetic. Who gives a fuck if people eat or go places alone, I know you will end up going to the cinema and eating alone if you carry on writing jargon like this. Why does the world have to follow a set of rules, actions or lifestyles on the say so of others? These people in the list are not the pathetic ones they are people that are not afraid to eat “shit” food or listen to “shit” music these people live their lives according to what they want to do and not some spotty geek’s blog on the internet.

    Btw I am confident you are not going to become an award winning writer or do anything academic at all. Your spelling is pants!

    you have no imagination either.

  10. screw you
    |

    pretentious hipster douche +1

    you are not funny

    fuck you

  11. |

    You last two, you too shall be judged.

    At this juncture, I must paint Swan Fungus’s sunny face to look like the Joker’s so that he can get in your face and whisper “Why…so…SERIOUS?”

  12. Max
    |

    You know your life has gone to shit when you create a blog about someone who is pathetic.

  13. |

    Wow. You must be an incredibly shallow person, aren’t you? No offense, but it just seems to me that you’re very keen in noticing society’s incoming “cool” trends.

    Do you think that your social status and self-esteem will increase in trashing a group of people and their interests? Even if your dislike of these things are of your opinion, you still should realize how insensitive you’re coming off.

    Honestly, if whether or not you like beer, cream corn, or eating at Olive Garden decides your worth in society, then we’re pretty much screwed. I bet you’ve eaten at buffets among those so called “loosers” multiple times in the past, anyway.

    It’s quite pathetic to create lists as biased as this one. They really say a lot about you.

  14. |

    yeah man,
    you are pathetic.
    and this took me two seconds to write, now im going to go do real stuff.

  15. |

    dude you are fucking awesome. Luckily I dont do this stuff and I hate light beer and olive garden. Worst of all to me though, it Corona beer. Wtf is that? It’s disgusting only mexicans women and possiby gay men like that

  16. |

    #7 is harsh, but true in my case. i go to the movies alone because i have no friends. i don’t do any of the other things.

  17. |

    what a nice list…going solo to the movies is the most pathetic sign

  18. dorian
    |

    Funny stuff going on here. Who would ever do those things?

  19. |

    Are you kidding me?! I’m not a big fan of Arcade Fire either, but you have the audacity to call them “pretentious”, do you hear yourself? No sweatpants. No take-out after a socially-acceptable hour. Only certain canned foods, and just a tip jackass, people go to the movie…for THE MOVIE not to see who everybody else is hanging out with.
    Let me guess, dubstep is just the greatest thing that ever happened to music, right? Yeah. . .you’re one of those people. . .

  20. |

    what’s dubstep?

  21. red
    |

    I am now both amused and pathetic.

    What is your take on canned succotash?

  22. |

    Having a blog is pathetic. This us truly the dumbest thing I have came across.

  23. Pat
    |

    Sooo funny. I do all of those things (love creamed corn right out of the can). Thanks. I now feel cool to be pathetic.

  24. |

    the most stupidest thing ever read you just posting is pathetic i do all of those things and my life is great maybe your life is pathetic but not mine have a nice day

  25. john
    |

    I really need to kill myself….

  26. |

    My god Kurt is so right. This is like a dated 90’s asshole mixed with hipster douchbag. Who fucking writes this shit. You are embarrassing

  27. |

    Lol this is like dated 90’s douchebag mixed with Justin Beiber I hope the person who wrote this dies of diarrhea.

  28. |

    Lots of dumb ideas in this post. Key point for anybody reading this comment: your life is pathetic when you care what other people think about you.

  29. |

    What the actual fuckety-fuck? What a load of shit. People like you make the entire craft of writing seem like a farce built up over thousands of years solely to ridicule the stupidity of said people like you. My God. Get help.

  30. NekoChan
    |

    WOW 😲 after reading this garbage I can actually feel my IQ dropping…..

  31. MunchKin
    |

    Who gives a shit what kind of beer people drink? Its FUCKING BEER. Try to get a grip dude.

  32. |

    What a bunch of moronic shit. You’re a fucking cretin.

  33. |

    YOU CIINT

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