Last month I wrote about Dating and Desperation as viewed through the lens of an article penned by Judy McGuire and syndicated on CNN’s website. The premise was that there are certain things a person can do that make them appear desperate in the eyes of potential mates. Now the author of woeful dating articles addresses five dating habits and determines — once and for all — whether or not they are “cute” or “crazy”. Since I don’t trust Mcguire’s ability to determine cute from crazy, I’m going to re-write her article with a few additions. Like how Hurly rewrote The Empire Strikes Back with some changes on LOST a few weeks ago. Ah, LOST. So amazing. See you in 9 months!

So…where was I? Oh, right. This dumb broad’s stupid dating article.

1. Animal Attraction: Mcguire claims that multiple pets are the difference between being cute (one pet, two pets) and crazy (3 pets, more pets). She’s wrong. What determines whether or not a person is cute or crazy is not how many pets they own, but what kinds of pets they own. A girl who owns a labrador retriever puppy is way cuter than a girl who owns an iguana named Mo. A girl who has a little aquarium in her apartment might be difficult to read, but she’ll eventually reward you with amazing sex. You see where this is going? It’s not the quantity of the pet that determines craziness, it’s the quality. The two exceptions to this rule are: anyone who owns more than one pet is a selfish, crazy piece of shit, and anyone that owns a cat, even just one cat, is crazy. End of story.

2. Toys in the attic: Apparently it’s okay to hold onto a teddy bear your entire life, but a bed filled with stuffed animals is creepy. In it’s most literal context, “toys in the attic” is not crazy. If you’re dating someone who owns their own home and it has an attic, you’re doing really well for yourself. If that attic is filled with childhood toys, make like Jerry Seinfeld and drug your date then play with the toys all night. By the way, I’m pretty sure my sister has “a menagerie of stuffed animals” in her bed, and the jury’s still out as to whether or not she’s crazy. I’m not allowed to comment about the case as I’m one of the jurors.

3. Love me!: Mcguire thinks its good to sit through a sporting event with your beau even though you don’t want to is a good thing. But painting your face means you’re trying too hard. I guess “trying too hard” is “crazy” in the eyes of the author. That’s why I chose not to try so hard in school. I didn’t want people to think I was only doing it because I was insane. By not working hard, I went to a middle-of-the-road college and graduated with the most common, vague degree possible. If I hadn’t done that, if I had worked my ass off and gone to a really good school and chosen a specific field of study or vocation, I would have been viewed as “crazy” by people like Judy Mcguire. In our hyper socially conscious society, I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a better quality of life stand in the way of people’s superficial perceptions of me.

4. The nurturing caregiver: Apparently it’s “crazy” if a woman cleans up after a man these days. That’s what the feminist movement has done to society. These days, it’s only okay if a woman brings her sickly man soup. Trying to do anything else is just plain crazy. According to the hypothetical situation penned by Mcguire, “Niko brought Cathy back home to his somewhat sloppy bachelor pad after their pivotal third date, he was excited. She was cute, fun, and vivacious. He was definitely thinking girlfriend material when he left her a key the next monrning as he headed off to work.” Never write romantic fiction, Judy Mcguire. Please, for the love of God. See, what’s actually crazy in this scenario is Niko (which is apparently a man’s name?) leaving a key to his apartment with a girl he’s been on three dates with. That’s just fucking stupid. Nicci doesn’t have a key to my apartment and I’ve been on, like, 400 dates with her.

5. Background research: Apparently it’s “cute” to Google your date, but “crazy” to track down “his social security number and last five girlfriends.” Jesus, do women really do this? I mean, the author wouldn’t make that shit up, would she? (Answer: Probably). I’m pretty sure everyone reading this right now has performed a Google search (hell, probably even MySpace and Facebook too) to learn more about a crush or date. I’m pretty sure the hunt for information ends there, but if Mcguire is right, and there are a number of women out there who are so nuts they’re trying to find out social security numbers (why? so they can review a guy’s W-2 form?), then the female species as a whole is way crazier than I ever imagined.

…and I’m fairly vehement in my belief that they’re bat-shit-fucking-psychotic.

Mcguire herself, of course, qualifies as “crazy”. First of all, she’s taken the time to write an article that attempts to quell the fears of single women everywhere that they’re not totally insane (which they are, because all women are crazy). Take, for example, her own “quirky” habit of becoming “livid if anyone dares to crack one of my magazines open before I’ve had a chance to browse through it.” Combine that “quirk” with the fact that she’s written a number of dopey articles that read like pathetic self-help screeds and you’ve got a portrait of a crazy woman who actually thinks she can help people find true love. As if that exists.

Anyway, I think I’m going to dose myself and listen to Stars Of The Lid for a while.

Sun Ra – You Never Told Me That You Care
Magazine – The Light Pours Out Of Me
The Ex – Nobodies’ Dream
Theta Naught – You Know Nothing

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