Judy McGuire at Frisky.com, you’ve done it again. Two weeks ago you wrote about what makes a dating habit “cute” and what makes one “crazy”. The article was a monumental failure that smacked of journalistic ineptitude. You unsuccessfully tackled two subjects, dating and psychology, proving that you have little grasp on either science. It took a shitty blogger to point out your flawed logic and impart accurate information — using sound logic — to infer that the nuances that separate cute from crazy are vastly different than those you put forth in your original article.

Now you’re back on the horse (I mean that metaphorically, not as a euphemism for heroin) and writing about how to “translate” a series of one-liners you might hear while on a date (via CNN). And, as expected, you ruined another opportunity to actually shed some light on the subject. Luckily, you have me to back you up, as I know pretty much everything there is to know about both dating and one-liners. Allow me, if you will, to take your list of 8 lines and translate them for the world so that they don’t read like a shitty Babelfish translation.

1. I don’t want to ruin our friendship: The translation is not “the thought of kissing you fills me with a mix of nausea, terror, revulsion and fear” as you have written in your article. The translation is really, “I’d love to fuck the shit out of you, but I don’t want to be your boyfriend because you’re clingy, you’re only a 5, and quite frankly my standards are way higher than that.” Of course, you wouldn’t know that, because you’re a woman, so you’ve never been in a position to make that retort.

2. I love you, but I’m not in love with you: You could not have been more wrong about this one. The line is not universal for “I am cheating on you.” It actually translates to, “My best friend’s younger sister is legal now and I really want to get in there before it gets all blown up.” Not really, but that’s how I’d use it. People don’t use that line because they’re cheating, they just use it because they want to move on with their lives and  can’t think of a better way to say, “I’ve fallen out of love with you,” or “I realized I never actually loved you.” Your line, “they all use it so there must be something to it” is very telling. You’ve been hurt before, Judy, haven’t you. Come on, sit on uncle Evan’s lap and tell him all about the horrible men you dated who left after they find out you’re as bad a lay as you are a dating writer.

3. I’m friends with all my exes: Your translation is kinda close on this one, but not entirely accurate! While it is an ego boost for a person to say that they maintain friendships with exes, it has nothing to do with the fact that it’s because they’ve seen that person naked. It’s actually about holding something over the head of the person they’re dating now, which will effect them for the entirety of the relationship. It gives a person the upper hand in the sense that they could easily pick apart any flaw in their partner while reminding them that an ex (who is always refer to by name, not, “my ex”) didn’t have that trait. And yes, it will get on anyone’s nerves to hear that line.

4. I hate all my exes: This one you have wrong. Nobody hates all their exes. They just aren’t friends anymore. Why? Because most relationships begin and end, and usually somebody gets hurt. Hence, we stop talking to and caring about our exes. It’s way more natural than staying friends with an ex, which has but one purpose in life: to use that person as a crutch (read: to have sex with) whenever you break up with the next guy or girl in your life.

5. All of my exes were psychos: This translation of yours is bullshit because we’re all psychos to some degree. You, me, all our friends, all our enemies, we’re in some form or another crazy. It’s part of the human condition. Some of us conceal it better than others, but we’re all crazy. I’ve never heard anybody say that all their exes were psychos, and if I did I would tell them to shut up and I would slap them, because they would be a hypocrite. God, how many times do I have to say it: “All boys/girls are crazy, you just have to find one that’s crazy how you like.” Thank you for that life lesson Ken. That sure was a revelatory lunch at Wegmans back in ‘06.

6. Are you really going to wear that?: I don’t really think you provided a translation for this one. You just said what you tought the person delivering that line is thinking. The translation for “are you really going to wear that” is either, “You look like a fucking moron in that” or “you look like a fat ass.

7. I’m so nice; I’m almost too nice.: I’ve never heard anyone say this on a date. If you have it was probably because the man sitting with you was gay. What kind of guy says “I’m so nice?” Hell, what kind of woman says “I’m so nice?!” Women aren’t nice! They hate each other! They can’t wait until their friends walk out of the room so they can badmouth each other. Ugh. People who say “I’m so nice” aren’t really condescending assholes who will turn every instance in which you’re upset with them into a battle for who is more respectful, nor is it a sign of a person who is a doormat. It’s a sign of someone who is fucking stupid and shouldn’t be in a relationship. Literal translation: “I’m so nice” means, “I deserve a life of loneliness and masturbation.”

8. My mom and I are besties.: Really, Judy? You couldn’t think of an 8th item for this list? Why even bother then? You could just as easily have titled this article Translating 7 Dating One-Liners and no one would have cared. You clearly couldn’t make it to ten, because writing a top ten list is hard for people who aren’t geniuses (like I am). Anyway, nobody says, “My mom and I are besties.” Maybe spoiled brats who still live at home do, but they don’t date. And, Judy, again…if you’ve honestly dated a guy who has told you “My mom and I are besties,” you’ve got a real predilection for dating homos. You can’t turn them. It doesn’t happen. Stop trying. Guys, if you’ve ever been on a date with a girl who talks about how well she gets along with her mother, RUN.

Robedoor – Revenge Vision
500mg – Desert Codex
Machinefabriek – Reglyph

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