• More details are emerging about the future of Futurama. David X. Cohen, the show’s longtime executive producer, had much to say about plot details and potential story lines in a recent interview. “In upcoming episodes we want to talk about the characters’ lives and the everyday tech of the future. We’re already working on one involving a shocking sexual relationship.” He also says something about making fun of iPhones and Twitter, because nobody on earth has made fun of the uselessness of Twitter yet. Blah blah blah. The only thing I came away from in the entire information were two words: “Already working”. This means, very sadly, that the folks at Futurama have decided not to hire me as a writer. Sure, I didn’t even submit a spec script or apply for a job, but I have been talking about my desire to write for Futurama on this here website for years now, and if the producers of the show haven’t taken notice yet…well…that’s it, I’m going to throw in the towel and give up. I don’t want to be a part of a television program that wants nothing to do with me. Sorry, David X. Cohen, but you’re just going to have to take your job offer elsewhere. [story]

• There’s a company that produces bacon vodka. It’s called, surprisingly, Bakon Vodka. What does one use bacon-flavored vodka to make, you ask? Well, there’s the Bakon Mary, the Bakon Chocolate Martini, the Bakon Rosemary Martini and even something called an Irish Boar. More like Irish Bore if you ask me! The only thing more foul than drinking vodka is drinking the piss of somebody who enjoys vodka. That shit is gross. No wonder only women can tolerate the flavor. I’m sure its really good at drowning out the taste of some guy’s dick after a girl has become “totally drunk” on vodka drinks, but there’s no way in hell I would ever willfully submit myself to drinking vodka. It just…it sucks. In the real world we drink whisky. That’s it. [story]

• Here are twelve interesting facts about tornadoes. Unfortunately, it doesn’t answer any of the serious questions, such as, “What do I do when I’m driving and — oh look, there’s a tornado!?” It mostly focuses on boring elementary school level questions like, “What’s the deadliest tornado ever!?” and “When do tornadoes occur?” Still, although I’ve never driven through one, I’ve missed a couple by mere miles, and it keeps me on my toes when it comes to preparing for long drives. Consider this one important reading for anyone who likes to take road trips, and invariably finds themselves in the middle of the country, where most US tornadoes occur. There’s also some cool video clips. [story]

• This article is a little bit vague, but apparently Leonardo da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa nude? See for yourself, as her light puffy nipples are on display here in a photo of the painting in question. This painting has been hidden for nearly 100 years, hanging in a private library somewhere, and it depicts a half-naked women (from the wait up) eerily resembling the Mona Lisa. I would’ve thought the Mona Lisa was a total slut, and expected the first “nude” painting of her to reveal something more sinister, like a wickedly nauseating bush (it was made in the early 1500s, there’s no way women so much as trimmed back then). Then I did a really quick A/B of the two paintings, and, yeah, it’s totally not the same woman. I know I’m not art historian or expert on da Vinci, but if you’re going to sit there and tell me these are the same two women, I’m going to sit here and tell you to shut the fuck up and find some other way to waste your time. Quit being such a fucking loser! It ain’t her! Get over it! [story]

• Recently I spoke about the Yellowstone caldera and the largest supervolcano in the United States. This week, the question was posed as to whether or not a new supervolcano is forming beneath Mount St. Helens. Is it true? Is it the media trying to drum up fear? It’s probably both. Mount St. Helens erupted in 1980, so it’s obviously a volcano, but is it super? Probably not. One scientist says, “A really big, big eruption is possible if it is one of those big systems like Yellowstone.” Well, the article should end right there, because until we know it is akin to Yellowstone this isn’t “news” it’s just another person reminding us why we should fear volcanos. Yeah, I get it, than can erupt without warning. That’s why I don’t live near one, asshole. Now stop masturbating at your computer desk and actually go out into the world to find a real news story. Stop making shit up. You’re scaring thousands of people in Wyoming and Montana, and those are the types of kooks you want to keep cool and easy, and not turn into crazed end-of-days believing, “Hell is Here!” chanting idiots. [story]

• Be sure to watch History’s MonsterQuest on June 24th as a bunch of other freaks — ones hellbent on proving that dinosaurs still exist even though they all died off 65 million years ago — travel into the heart of Cameroon in search of a native dinosaur. Yeah, I’ll be there. Laughing at the stupid dinosaur believers. [story]

• If you still haven’t had your fill of crazy people saying crazy things, check out this article about a crop circle which predicts the end of the world. Of course it’s tied to 2012, because what else do these morons have to hang their hat on but a vague date a few years in the future with little chance of being anything more than just another day on earth. [story]

Part Timer – Nureyev (Soft Shoe)
Bee Gees – And The Sun Will Shine
Pink Floyd – Jugband Blues
The Zlotskys – Rain Song Part 2

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