Loading ...History Of Evan: Episode 1
By Evan ~ June 29th, 2009. Filed under: nostalgia.
If Howard Stern can spend this week airing a documentary series about his history as a broadcaster and media icon, why shouldn’t I do the exact same? I’m about as influential to the blog medium as he is to radio, right? I should go back in time and revisit old posts and add in some color commentary about what was going on in my life back then. Maybe I’ll intersperse music from the different eras in order to show how far I’ve come in the last four years. As I’ve ascended the ranks from “complete nobody” to “pretty-much unknown,” my life and this website have both undergone many changes. So, if you follow Howard Stern on Sirius/XM radio this week and his “History of Howard,” you can click onto Swan Fungus after hearing about the history of his talk show, to read about my history, too! I’m sure the parallels between his life and mine will astound you. Especially the part about how he became a multi-millionaire celebrity married to a model/actress, and collected unemployment while living with my parents until I was 24 years old.
Oh yeah, and I’m going to write the whole thing in the 3rd person, because I deserve to be spoken of in the loftiest of terms.
On Thursday March 10th, 2005, Evan made his first “blog” post. It said, “hello world. this could be the start of a beautiful felationship [sic].” The very next day, the rookie blogger laid out his rules for this website. Evan wanted it to become the place where his life’s direction, his one big idea, was formulated. Addressing his supposed readers (all three of ‘em) he decreed that there would be lots of vulgarity, plenty of hate-inspiring posts, and promised laughs all the way…all the way to the bank! His bank!
That same day, Evan received his first reader comment. A person named Anonymous wrote, “You totally love me. Let’s make babies. A lot of them.” It wouldn’t be the first time a reader — male or female — expressed interest in starting a family with Evan.
The first week was an event-filled trip deep into the darkest corners of Evan’s mind. Evan’s high school chum Matt once said that Evan was a very secretive person, hiding his innermost thoughts from friends. They never knew which girls he liked, or what he was thinking at a given time. His small circle of friends were only privy to his good looks and his quick wit. Now, for the first time, Evan was bearing his soul to the world. He talked of a screenplay about a “coming of age” story that would expose Garden State for the nauseating dreck it was. He pitched five reality shows. Six days after starting this blog, Evan penned the first of what would become the longest-running theme on Swan Fungus: a top ten list. “The Top Ten Steps To Bedding A Hilton Sister” was the very first of what is often discussed as the most popular Swan Fungus feature. To complete his first week as a blogger, Evan called out his peers — members of his own generation — for being too reliant on communicating with each other through electronic channels. Decrying instant messages and social networking sites, Evan laid the groundwork for what would become another common thread on Swan Fungus: hypocritically attacking the medium he was using to communicate with friends as well as strangers. It wouldn’t be the last time Evan wrote something intelligent, timely, and yet totally bullshit.
In the early days of Swan Fungus, Evan would take off on Sundays, refusing to post entries because, he said, “How the fuck am I supposed to think of something funny to say every day of the week? I can’t do that. Nobody can do that. Literally nobody works for free saying funny things seven days of the week. That’s fucking ridiculous. So, I’m taking Sundays off — after all, it’s the Lord’s day of rest, and I’m the lord of this website.”
March of 2005 was an exciting half-month, establishing Evan as one of the brightest young voices on the blog…web. The blog-o-sphere. The world wide web. Whatever the hell it’s called, Evan was seen as a rising young star by the four people who read Swan Fungus daily. To conclude his first month as a blogger, Evan listed the ten best albums released since his birth (ooh, how Christ-like!), shared a private free-writing exercise, created a new series of rules for television commercials, expressed disdain for those who start “careers” after college, got really high with a friend and tried to write something for a reputable magazine, overshared his vulnerabilities as a writer, responded to the eternal question, “What are your plans for after graduation?”, and addressed the then-hot issue of illegal file-sharing. In just 21 days — 19 blog entries — Evan set out on his path to blogging stardom. His interest varied, his comments always on point, there were few people who doubted his ability to succeed.
It would seem after the first month that there would be few obstacles in Evan’s way to fame and riches on the Internet. But there was one very large and very imposing impasse that stood in his way, and that great barrier was Evan himself.
Stay tuned for Episode 2…
American Analog Set – Immaculate Heart
Calexico – History Of Lovers
Songs: Ohia – Farewell Transmission
