Happy Fourth of July, everybody. Enjoy your day. Drink safely. Don’t drink and drive. And if you do, make sure you call the local police and report other drivers as drunk drivers, so as to divert police attention from you.

• A day or two after running one of the most unprofessional sports columns in the history of journalism, they’ve published an article about all the falsehoods of Independence Day. Like, for example, how it’s not actually supposed to fall on July 4th, and how the Declaration of Independence wasn’t signed until it had been copied — and includes signatures of men who weren’t even in the room on the day we declared ourselves independent of King George III and Britain. Why can’t they just let us enjoy the day. The LA Times sucks. [story]

• NPR is running a story with the recipe, “How to make the perfect burger.” I’m sure many of you have family recipes passed down through generations, but if you don’t this one should reward you with a pretty decent meal. If you don’t have the time to go to the butcher and get a fancy-ass chopped meat combo like the one put forth by the chef being interviewed, just go out and get some 70/30 or 80/20 chopped meat and add whatever the hell you think would taste good in a burger and help it bind together well. Don’t forget to use an egg and steak sauce. And remember, kids, eating a hamburger without cheese and bacon is like having sex with protection. [story]

• If any of you readers live in the mighty state of Mississippi, you might want to temper your eating today. Don’t load up on fried foods and hotdogs, because you’re currently living in the fattest state in America. For the fifth straight year, Mississippi has the largest percentage of obese residents. 32.5 percent of adults in the state are fat, and 44 percent of children in the state aged 10 to 17 are overweight! That’s like one out of every two children. One out of three adults! How pathetic. Of course the top five states also include West Virginia, Alabama, Tennessee, and South Carolina. I’m sure it has absolutely nothing to do with those states being packed with Southern retard hicks. I hear rumors that parents actually eat their children sometimes in the South, you know, if they’re hungry but that TV dinner is going to be in the microwave for another five minutes. [story]

• This is a creepy article about six National Anthems with violent, bloody lyrics that should make you feel very afraid. With lyrics like, “We swear by the lightning that destroys, by the streams of generous blood being shed…” how could you resist loving any one of these glorious nationalist hymns? [story]

• In case you’re traveling abroad this summer, the Economist has a handy chart detailing the price of a gram of cocaine in different countries. It’s a damn shame if you happen to be vacationing in Russia, Scandinavia, or Australia. Maybe you should have had a copy of this chart in your wallet before you put out all that money on airfare. Maybe then you would’ve seen how cheap blow is in South America. $2 a gram in Panama sounds pretty irresistible, no? [story]

• The photo at the top of this post is from NASA. I remember going to Mt. Rushmore when I was driving through South Dakota and thinking how tiny the thing looked. I wish I’d stayed late enough to enjoy a starry night like that one. South Dakota has some immensely dark, starry nights. Enjoy it if you’re in the area. The rest of us have to deal with light pollution and starless nights. [story]

Pearls Before Swine – I Saw The World
Chihei Hatakeyama – Bonfire On The Field
Early Lines – Ghosts Of Collin Creek
Steel Pole Bath Tub – Spun

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