We’re all tired of this Michael Jackson bullshit. Or, at least I am. I can’t speak for the rest of Los Angeles, or the country, or the world, but the media really has to stop giving this story attention. He was a piece of shit who nobody cared about for the past fifteen years, then he died and the world started weeping. If anything it reflects horribly on our society, because…well, it’s like everybody in America right now is that kid in high school who pretends he was best friends with the senior who died during post prom, so he can really pump up the fake drama in his life.
Neil Armstrong actually walked on the moon. Michael Jackson slept with little boys.
Now here’s an excerpt from an interview Pat conducted with an obsessive fan a few minutes ago. I can’t wait until next week when Michael Jackson will be a distant memory. A distant dead memory, rotting in the ground, making little boys all over the world safe. You don’t have to sleep with one light on anymore, children, the bad man is dead now.
Pat: I always thought you had to push forward.
Fan: Oh, did you see moonwalking around the world now? They released it…I have to…wait, wait.
Evan: Pat, he’s already dead you don’t have to embarrass him anymore.
Pat: He embarrassed himself enough on his own. So, are you going to go down there tomorrow morning?
Fan: I’m going to try. I’m lining up at five am.
Pat: How much does it cost, any money?
Fan: No money.
Nicci: How do you feel about it, Pat?
Pat: I feel awful for everyone involved. Do you want to hear my Michael Jackson speech? Here’s my speech. Here it is. I feel bad for everyone involved. He touched little children. He was perverted by this weird life that was pushed upon him, I don’t know what happened to him. I don’t know, but I feel bad for him.
Fan: Pat, we actually agree on something!
Pat: …But I do think he molested those kids.
Fan: Oh. well…We don’t.
Fan: I knew this guy, he was another person who is helping with the documentary. They actually went out thinking he’d get guilty put against him — my friend is doing this documentary about the Jacksons — they had a rough cut –
Pat: It’s made by the Jacksons?
Fan No, it’s about the Jackson’s fans.
Pat: Look, nobody really knows what happened, and anyone who says they really know what happened is a dick, because they don’t really know. Unless you were the one who was molested. I would like to think that he didn’t, but I logically…
Fan: I don’t think so at all.
Pat: But you probably want to think so. What about using sound judgement?
Fan: I’ll be honest. I think the two people who came out — what, he didn’t molest the upper middle class kids? Only the poor ones who were $50,000 dollars in debt?
Pat: I don’t think he molested enough kids to where you could notice a pattern.
Fan: But how come he only molested lower class families in debt.
Pat: A couple things…Okay, I’m not saying he did — Are you being entirely unemotional about it? I mean, if someone told me my dad molested a kid I’d be like, “No he didn’t!”, even if they found him with a kid’s underwear in his mouth.
Fan: I’ll give you an example. My mother always made me go to stupid Catholic church when I was little. This one priest used to say, “I can’t even hug children anymore because of all of the scandals in the world right now.” He was the only priest who was cool and normal. I kind of got that. Especially in america. It’s so litigious. You can’t even hug kids without getting a lawsuit brought against you here.
Pat: Ok, there’s a couple things. There was obviously something really wrong with the guy for a long time.
Fan: But he was also a great father.
Pat: I’m not saying he’s not. He seemed like a very caring guy. But he was obviously disturbed.
Fan: But everyone’s disturbed.
Pat: But he mutilated himself! And it’s not his fault he was disturbed. He got fucked. It was his terrible family, asshole father, mother was a piece of shit too. It’s not his fault, it’s sad. I mean, first of all, the kids could identify his penis. Okay, they’re sleeping in the same bed and the kids can identify his penis? He’s a weird guy…
After that, some people walked in and the fan escaped to the relative comfort of a different room. We might never learn a) whether or not she can actually moonwalk, or b) whether or not she really believes that piece of shit didn’t touch little boys. Now here’s Pat’s closing statement:
“When a tragedy like this takes place, it’s important to allow the person to not have the worst side of their life brought up during their moment — to give it some time. However, when a public figure like Michael Jackson dies, it’s probably just as important to temper the urge to deify a person. But now this funeral is costing the broke city of Los Angeles two-and-a-half million dollars, which forces the public to ask themselves, “Is this something worthy of our very limited resources now?” And by asking that question, you’re forced to examine the character of the person. So, because of this being so high profile, we break that original rule of just letting someone die peacefully. And the overall situation is just sad, and I want to piss my trousers.”
Thanks Pat!
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