Cocaine Dollars, Legal Drugs In Mexico, Video Gamers, Quick Movie Resolutions, Goldfish, Anti-Aging Pills & Rhys Chatham’s “A Crimson Grail”

August 22, 2009

• By now you’ve read this story on every news website on the Internet: Up to 90 of US paper money has traces of cocaine present on it. That’s quite an impressive amount of blow, more than Canada (85%) and Brazil (80%), and way more than China (20%) and Japan (16%). Is it any wonder why America is lagging so far behind China and Japan as our economy crumbles and development slows? Of course not — it’s the coke hangovers we all have to deal with on a daily basis. [story]

• If you think that American money with traces of coke on it is a wild story, you clearly haven’t read the one about Mexico’s new drug policies. The Associated Press wrote yesterday that Mexico decriminalized small amounts of marijuana, cocaine, heroin, LSD, methamphetamine…pretty much all known drugs. There’s no word on whether or not they decriminalized Jenkem — or how much a “small amount” of Jenkem is — but “the maximum amount of pot you can carry is 5 grams, for cocaine it’s a half gram, and the limits are 50 milligrams for heroin, 40 milligrams for meth, and 0.015 milligrams ford LSD.” If you thought Mexico smelled bad before, just you wait. Your future trips to Mexico (should you decide to take any) are going to smell a whole lot worse. Also, the article doesn’t state whether or not the government has issued an edict for how much water tourists can safely drink in Mexico. My guess? 0.00 milliliters. [story]

• As a recently addicted Out Of The Park Baseball gamer, and a recovering Mario Kart Wii addict, I was mildly disappointed to read that a CDC study has found that the average video game player is 35 years old, fat, and depressed. Is this my future? I see plenty of people walking around who look older, fatter and more depressed than I am, but then I think about the people who I play video games with, and the study makes a whole lot more sense. How depressing. [story]

• The folks over at Cracked.com finally created a funny story that wasn’t a complete rip off of one of my lists. This one is the result of a Photoshop contest where people were asked to provide images that could solve frustrating movie plots in mere minutes. For example. If sheriff Teasle had just stepped up and apologized to Rambo, given him some flowers and a get well soon card with cats on it, would he really have to go on that rampage in First Blood? Or hell, would any of the subsequent films even exist? And what about Home Alone. And, what, they couldn’t just cover up Vigo’s eyes in Ghostbusters II? [story]

• In a related-but-unrelated story, A goldfish named Pooh was rescued from a sewage treatment plant after being flushed down a toilet while still alive. Why is this story relevant? Well, the first goldfish I ever owned was named Rambo, and when Rambo died I (according to my mother) gave a very heartfelt eulogy in front of my family before flushing him down the toilet. At least, I think it was a him. Are goldfish asexual? I don’t know. Part of me still wonders if Rambo is happy in the afterlife, or if he’s maybe swimming through a sewage treatment plant in New Jersey, even though he was flushed 20+ years ago. I miss you, Rambo. [story]

• The New York Times is reporting that there are currently drugs in clinical trials that trick your body to think it is on a calorically restricted diet, thus it can resist disease and avert old age. Of course, scientists have been talking about such miracle drugs for ages, so why the hell should I believe this one works. I’ll just restrict my calories and do it the old fashioned way: manorexia. [story]

NOTE: Speaking of fat, some commenter called me fat yesterday after reading my post about the Top Ten Worst Album Covers Of All Time. Apparently one picture of me eating a burrito makes me fat! Who knew! You totally couldn’t tell based on all those other pictures of me on this website, but I’m a complete fat ass who stuffs burritos in his mouth like popcorn! By the way, I couldn’t stop laughing as I re-read that list, especially the part where I call a Soupjam Stevens outtakes album “more auditory macaroni art…” God, I used to be so witty. Now look at me. I’m a fat ass eating burritos and talking about anti-aging pills. So much can change in a year.

• Last but certainly not least, Ian sent me this excellent blog with lots of photographs, video and audio from Rhys Chatham’s “Crimson Grail for 200 Guitars” which was performed (by my dear friends Ian and Z plus about 214 others) a few weeks ago in New York City. Excellent quality video of both Rhys Chatham and Liquid Liquid, a solid review of the event, and the chance to hear the audio of first part of the Chatham performance make this a must-see link. [story]

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