Well, my All Tomorrow’s Parties correspondent, Ben, seems to have come down with a case of swine flu. No joke. I remember last year at ATP people were complaining about bed bugs at Kutsher’s, but this year apparently it’s the swine flu that will leave many with harrowing memories of their adventures in upstate New York.

Ben was supposed to provide the first of his three daily recaps for you today, but his condition has left him incapacitated. Which means I have to pull something out of my ass to write about. Let’s see…what’s going on in the world right now…OH YEAH! I totally forgot! Judy McGuire is once again writing for CNN’s website via The Frisky! Her last piece, published September 3rd, is called “How to deal with a badly dressed boyfriend.” Classic.

I can’t help but think Judy McGuire is speaking directly to me in this piece. I mean, her opening paragraph is about how she used to date a rock critic, and he dressed horribly, but she overlooked it because he was smart, funny and cute-ish. That pretty much describes me. I just don’t get paid for my rock criticism, and it’s not so much criticism as it is hating on everyone that’s ever picked up a musical instrument. Still, I’ve never worn a  fanny pack, so maybe that addition to her story was just for journalistic effect. I mean, no one wears fanny packs anymore, right? She just needed to take her non-existent “boyfriend” (me) down a peg by assuming I walk around wearing a fanny pack because I’m a blogger and I write about music sometimes. I get it, Judy. You don’t like it when I make fun of you for writing stupid relationship articles that don’t really need to exist. You can do a lot better than insult me by telling the world that I wear a fanny pack.

Judy quotes some broad from Los Angeles (as opposed to another one of her nameless friends and nameless co-workers she normally relies upon for intel) as saying that there are two kinds of men: men with style, and men who are dumb and can be molded into a man with style. Later on, she name drops The Residents, further proof that she’s been reading my website and secretly fantasizing about hate-fucking me. What other blogs talk about The Residents, these days? None of ‘em.

Then Judy starts talking about how girls should take their men clothes shopping. Nicci and I went clothes shopping once for a pair of jeans. I don’t remember how it went, because I have this condition where as soon as I leave a mall or department store my memory is erased. It’s like I get shot with one of those devices from the Men In Black movies. You should see me walking around in a mall. I have this constant look of wonder and fear as I try to remember where I just was, where I’m going next, and why the hell I’m even there. That said, if Nicci ever decided she hated my wardrobe and wanted to test Judy’s friend’s theory that men are “malleable” and can worked into a better condition, by all means she should try to fix me.

Whatever, Judy. Women can dress poorly too. Trust me, I live in Los Angeles. There are enough horribly dressed girls here to field an entire female sports league. Look out, WNBA, here come the shitty-looking hipster chicks and the one-size too small all-stars to take you on. You put the wrong girl in a pair of American Apparel “boy shorts” and you’ve got a fucking disaster on your hands. CNN’s website isn’t your own website, you can’t pretend it has an entirely female audience. You should try to reconcile your feelings about badly dressed men with a couple pointers for women that they could follow too. You don’t all shit roses and look like angels, you know. It’s like with my website — I don’t have any female readers, so I can refer to women as broads, chicks, sluts, or fuckholes.* No one is going to notice. Yet, if I were to write an article for CNN, I would consciously change my tone a little bit, you know, to spread the love around and treat both sexes as equals.

*Marika, Lauren, and any of you other females reading this are not to be mistaken for those generalized women for whom I have given uncouth and downright sexist nicknames. My sister doesn’t read this website, so there’s no sense in telling her she’s not a broad, slut, or even a fuckhole. Mom, Nicci, you two are completely different from all other girls, as you are the two most beautiful women in the world and I love you.

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