Happy “Caturday,” cat lovers. This adorable fuzzball took a foot-long arrow in the head for you!

I feel like shit today. I ate horribly last night and drank too much. What’s worse, I woke up this morning with a slight tingling/achy sensation in the back of my throat, so now I’m convinced I’ll be dead of swine flu in a week. People like me are a burden on the health care system because even though I’m not feeling sick or showing any symptoms other than the occasional scratchy throat, part of me wants to go to a drop-in clinic and get myself a rapid test. Thanks a lot, hypochondria! I hate you! I also hate Tom for telling me that story a few months ago about a kid he went to college with, “a healthy 26-year old” who died overnight from the flu. I hate you too, Tom!

ABC News’ website in Phoenix, Arizona ran a great article this week asking parents to rummage through their children’s belongings in search of drugs that they’re probably hiding. Because, you know, all kids do drugs and technology is evolving so fast that even if you don’t think your kid is on drugs, you’re wrong. For example, if you walk into your child’s bedroom and see them highlighting pages from a text book — think twice! That hi-liter might actually be a pipe used for smoking drugs! Of course, if your child was sitting at their desk smoking drugs and you walked in and they had o quickly act like they were doing work, you might…smell something burning? I don’t know, that’s just a hunch I have, but I’m pretty sure you don’t have to be void of smelling to catch a kid smoking something in their bedroom. BUT WAIT, IT GETS WORSE. You need to worry even more when your child is out-of-sight, because they could be “snorting vodka shots,” “anal beer bongs” and “soaking tampons in vodka”. Personally, I think the entire point of this article was a joke aimed at getting the phrase “anal beer bong” published on an ABC-affiliated website. I mean…anal beer bongs? Really? Does that even work? It seems like most of the body’s natural forces in that area are compelled to expel rather than take-in something from the outside. But hey, what do I know about modern teenage ass and the anal beer bong? [story]

Travel and Leisure has published their list of “America’s Best BBQ Restaurants”. Let me know if you’ve eaten at any of these places. There are a ton of places in Tennessee, Kentucky, Missouri, the Carolinas and not ONE in Texas, as far as I can tell. Notably absent from the list is Bubba’s in Cody, Wyoming. [story]

CNN and CareerBuilder have decided once and for all that they’re tired of me making fun of their stupid, good-for-nothing posts about the job market. They’ve decided to strike back in the only way that could possibly work to make me upset. They’re writing about how social media and blogs can hurt your career. Ouch. Granted, I’ve never so much as thought about posting a Tweet on Twitter saying something like, “Workin…This job sucks balls. Shit, 115 characters left to waste?”. One of my co-workers swears he’s read two or three blog posts that mention my job negatively, but I’m hard-pressed to think of any specifics. Apparently Facebook is really bad for keeping a job, because maybe you’ll say you’re sick and then post a photograph of you banging a stripper that same day! The real world story cited in the CNN article deals with a young guy who said he had a family emergency to take care of, and then he posted pictures of himself “dressed as a fairy…on the same day of the ‘emergency’!” I’d be more embarrassed about dressing up like a fairy than lying about a family emergency, but maybe that’s because I’ve had to deal with almost two years of jokes from co-workers about my PJ Harvey Halloween costume from ‘07. The list of don’ts includes: announcing interviews, raises or new jobs, calling bosses “SUCKA!”, badmouthing current or previous employers, or mentioning your job search if you’re employed. I’ll try to keep those in mind as I IMMEDIATELY START LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB THAT I’LL INTERVIEW FOR WHILE BADMOUTHING EVERYBODY, ESPECIALLY YOU, SUCKA! [story]

Speaking of depressed, here’s an article from Scientific American about two scientists who are suggesting that depression is a mental adaptation that has evolved along with humans. They say depression might not even warrant the “disorder” tag, and that it actually brings some evolutionary benefits! …That’s when the science begins, and I lose interest. [story]

TIME Magazine is losing it. They devoted a huge article to IKEA, and how its “fans” are just steaming about how they’re changing the fonts in their catalog. Are you fucking serious? First of all, when did IKEA get fans? Their furniture is all shit, the manuals never make sense, it’s expensive considering the cheap materials, and you have to go through a fucking labyrinth just to get to the place where you can pay for something. And who the fuck considers himself (or herself) a fan of an IKEA advertisement, or catalog? It’s fucking IKEA! Read a newspaper or subscribe to a magazine if you want, but sitting around waiting for the new IKEA catalog to arrive has to be a “My life has jumped the shark” moment. And how the hell would anyone notice if they changed the catalog’s font? Is the IKEA font in the Typography hall of fame or something? What am I missing here, TIME? Why is this more important than stories about health care or healthy 26-year olds dying of swine flu, or fucking celebrity dolts, even? IKEA? Fonts? Really? [story]

CAUGHT! Mother nature crying a river of tears. See for yourself. [story]

Tsushimamire – Air-Condition Remote Control
Skip James – Drunken Spree
Sister Ola Mae Terrel – Life Is A Problem

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