This list is dedicated to Sam. Hopefully he’ll read it someday soon, because it is right up his alley.
I don’t think this list needs much of an introduction. You’ve read the title of the blog entry, you either recoiled in horror or you started laughing. Either way, the end result is going to be the same. Yes, I’m about to share with you a list of men who I think she have taken the opportunity to have sex with their own daughters. I heard about this Mackenzie Philips/John Philips thing on the Internet the other day. Then I looked at pictures of Mackenzie. Meh. She’s like a 4 or a 5, tops. Dude totally could’ve gotten some better gash if he had a hotter daughter. Hell, sometimes intercourse with your offspring turns into great success. Robin Quivers was molested by her father as a pre-teen and look at how successful she became. So you see, if a dude can get some A-level pussy, and there’s also a chance it’ll make someone’s career, why not give it a shot?
10. Jon Voight – Married Marcheline Bertrand, who gave birth to Angelina Jolie. She didn’t peak in the looks department until well after Hackers came out — probably closer to the time she starred opposite David Duchovny in Playing God — so it probably would’ve been a little awkward for the 59 year old father to sleep with his then 27 year old daughter. But I guess if it worked for Mackenzie, who was 19 when she first remembers having sex with her own father. Who knows, Voight might have furthered Jolie’s career. She could’ve gotten some respect way before Gia came out if she’d slept with an Academy Award winner earlier in life…who also happened to be her father.
09. Harry Hanna – If his daughter Kathleen was bound to be an angry feminist anyway, father Harry could have at least given her some reason. I don’t doubt that a Gloria Steinem rally is inspiration, but nothing drives a woman to hate men more than a father who puts his penis inside of her. Just think about all the wonderful songs she could have written, but didn’t, because her father was “normal” and not prone to penetrating her. Riot Grrrl could have been Incest Grrl. Talk about a grand cultural movement!
08. Kurt Cobain – Anything has to be better than digging out Courtney Love, right? Even if it’s your own daughter? That’s a tough one. It’s not like Frances Bean is all that attractive. She’s a pudgy, be-breasted version of her father. It’d be just like having sex with yourself if you dyed your hair brown. Weird, right? And that’s before you take into account that it’s also incestuous.
07. Rick Hilton – Maybe if he’d shoved his dick in Paris’ mouth she wouldn’t have become a stupid celebrity socialite. She’d be too busy doing her dad to get offered bad television shows or make a fool of herself in public. If I were Rick Hilton, I wouldn’t fuck my daughter because she’s good looking (and in this case, she’s not good looking), but because everybody else in the world would someday thank me for not exposing them to my retarded offspring.
06. Otto Emile Plath – He died when Sylvia was eight years old. Judging from her poetry, I assumed she was molested or something, but a Wikipedia search for the words “incest” and “molest” on her entry yielded no results. She was nuts, so she probably would’ve been into it. Who knows, maybe if she’d just gotten laid (by her father) her works wouldn’t have been so…overshare-y. And who knows, if Otto fucked her heard enough maybe she would have given up on all those stupid metaphors she used and just written frankly about different subjects.
05. Franklin Fox – He should have molested his daughter Megan, or at least had sex with her once, if only to shut her up. I’m so psychologically unattracted to Megan Fox I think I’d rather put my penis in any of 10,000 ugly actresses before I put it in her. The only way you could get me to force my dick into her mouth would be if you prefaced it by saying, “At least she won’t be saying anything for a few minutes.” If Franklin Fox had carried on an incestuous relationship with his daughter Megan from an early age, she wouldn’t be the outspoken attention whore we all know her to be — she’d be just another mentally unstable “cutter” with daddy issues. Which is fine by me.
04. John Phillips – I know, I know. The guy already carried out a ten-year relationship with his daughter Mackenzie. But Bijou Phillips is way hotter than Mackenzie, and I think she one time cut a guy’s finger off? So you know she knows how to fuck. Dude should have just put it in her instead. I don’t care if she was 13 at the time. You gotta lock that shit down, man. Now she’s 29 years old and she’s a veritable fuck machine. If John Phillips really wanted to fuck one of his daughters, he should have pulled a Josef Fritzl, locked Bijou in a basement for 24 years, and has his way with her. Instead this dumbass went for his ugly daughter.
03. Sufjan Stevens’ father – Because Sufjan is basically a little girl, anyway. The only difference is his facial hair, and come to think of it, some little girls do grow facial hair (especially Middle Eastern girls!). So, I’m still not convinced that the fey piece of shit is actually a man. In fact, I think that the only way to find out once-and-for-all whether or not there is even a tablespoon of manliness in Sufjan Stevens would be to check his butt for his father’s semen.
02. Michael Jackson – Paris-Michael Katherine would have been the crown jewel in the Michael Jackson story. I mean, for fuck’s sake, he spent the first 45-or-so years of his life touching little boys and being generally creepy. Would any of us have been surprised if a news story surfaced about him fucking his little girl? If anything, I’d have more respect for the guy. I learned from watching “To Catch A Predator” that if you’re going to touch a little kid, it had better be a little kid of the opposite sex. I swear to God, I heard Chris Hansen say that once on the show. This guy had just gotten caught in a sting operation, and he was crying on camera as the Hansen was lecturing him on the illegality of endangering children. The guy said he just wanted to be “friends” with the little boy he had gone to meet that night, and Hansen slapped him across the face and said, “You fucking pussy, if you want to fuck a child at least fuck a girl-child!” I think that was the defining moment of that television show.
01. John Bennet Ramsey – Father of JonBenet Ramsey, the six year old beauty queen girl who was murdered in 1996. Listen, I’m sure the dude’s wife was good looking (if the daughter was any indication), but I’m going to be perfectly honest with you: when a man has a chance to sleep with a beauty queen, he does it. It doesn’t matter if she’s six years old or sixty years old. You sleep with the beauty queen. Period. Yeah, of course it goes without saying you sleep with the beauty queen even if she’s your daughter. She’s a fucking beauty queen. Odds are he slept with his six year old daughter before he murdered her. Maybe after he murdered her. Either way, good job for him.