Hello. I’m in Los Angeles today. Nate was nice enough to pick me up at the airport and drive me home. I responded by buying him a case of beer. Pat just got back from Boston with Eli the dog. We shared a brief moment, Eli and I, as we reintroduced ourselves. Then we all drank and chatted for a few hours. I think they’re planning their huge annual “Libra Party” for this coming Friday. Unfortunately, Pat nixed the idea of a “Pat Roast” as a pre-party event. Boo. I’d already written a handful of jokes! Having woken up at 6am yesterday I started to crash on the early side. I think i left the house at 11:00, just as Nate and Mark were getting ready to go out for the night. I went home, watched last week’s episode of Flash Forward (amazing, duh) and passed out. It helped that I took a bunch of sleeping pills to ensure a full night of sleep.

The flight from Birmingham was rough. We were slow to get off the ground because of some wind pattern or potential turbulence the flight crew wanted to circumvent. Whatever they did, EPIC FAIL. That was one of the most unusual, nauseating takeoffs I have ever experienced. We kept climbing and dropping at insane rates as we tried to get above the clouds. The coverage was so thick you could see nothing outside the windows but pure whiteness, and the whiteness fought us for every foot we attempted to gain. I think I heard two people behind me become sick. Mostly I was listening for that electromagnetic snarl that came right before the plane crash on LOST. At one point I went to take a sip from my soda, the cabin dropped considerably, and the liquid remained suspended in mid-air as I held the bottle in my hand. Amazing. Once we got above the clouds thing settled down. The flight from Houston to LA felt long, but maybe that was because I couldn’t shake my disappointment for the foul “steak sub” they fed us. It tasted like the world’s worst 711 instant-cheeseburger.

I haven’t shared any weekly world news updates in a while, because real-life news updates (none of which I care to share) have forced me away from blogging several times over the course of the last month. I’ve been pretty upset for a while now, but I remembered the other day that blogging kind of helps me let my neurotic thoughts stall for a few minutes each day. This is a good thing. Anyway, I’ve been compiling some articles for the past few weeks to critique, so here they are:

• CNN ran an OpEd column a few weeks ago from a guy who thinks the current drinking age of 21 doesn’t work. Then he lists a lot of numbers about binge drinking and drunk driving, and says that 5,000 lives under the age of 21 are lost due to alcohol each year, and 60% of those are not driving-related. I could never get into the whole binge drinking thing. Then again, I was a relatively conservative kid. I smoked pot all the time, but I didn’t drink alcohol until I was 21. That was more about not developing a taste for anything (and who could when parties in high school and early college involved mostly vodka and Bud Light?). Now that I’m an old fart I don’t care about drinking age anymore. I get that kids in other countries can drink as young as 16, but look at those other countries socially and culturally. American youth is kinda fucked these days by comparison. Just watch the news. Kids are all idiots. I guess liquoring them up sooner might help, but maybe it won’t? I guess this is where there is a debate. [story]

• Did you know that in Italy, the mafia sinks ships containing toxic waste for money? Why can’t someone pay me to do that? Give me a boat filled with toxic waste, and I’ll ram a hole in it or something, then let it sink in the middle of the ocean. The article doesn’t say how much the mafia was paid to sink the ships, but there are an estimated 30 sunken toxic ships in the waters off the coast of Italy, so I bet someone over there is making stacks of cash. I want in on it. If any mafia in Italy is reading this now, I’d just like to say: “Ciao. Io mi chiamo Evan. Parlo Italiano. Voglio un lavoro.” Thanks for all those Italian tudoring sessions in college, Marika! [story]

• The 7 Most Inappropriate Products For Children would all look amazing in your kid’s bedroom. For example, the pole dance pole for little girls. I love it. A baby doll that you can shave might be a little weird, but the doll itself is hilarious to look at. A baby doll that is designed to be breast-fed by its owner is a bit weird. The fact that there’s a picture of a little girl holding the child to her little mosquito bite nipple is all kinds of wrong. I like that the baby makes the sound “chup cup cup” when it’s sucking on a nipple. I think I’m going to make that sound from now on. [story]

• Fuck MIT kids. They’re too smart. Every time I hang out with Nick and Lauren I feel like a special kid they’ve taken pity on and invited out simply for their amusement. These other MIT kids made a space camera for $150 that took some amazing photos from 93,000 feet above Earth. What’s more, the kids have put their instructions online so any one of us could send a camera up into space for free. Amazing. [story]

• This one is a bit old (especially the In-N-Out Burger part), but here’s a list of 10 secret menu items at fast food restaurants. I’ve known about the Wendy’s Grand Slam forever, but I never had one. Hell, I never even tried the triple cheeseburger. My high school friend Mike did once before we went to a Smashing Pumpkins concert and he spent the entire show doubled over in pain. I like the idea of a Chipotle secret menu. I don’t know about the Subway pizza sub. I remember seeing that once at a Subway in Hackensack, New Jersey when I went to visit my grandmother before she died. It looked gross. I think I want to try the Hypocrite at Fatburger. Dudes, I’ve lost 10 pounds in a month. I somehow lost 3 more pounds in Alabama. I could use a good Fatburger right now. [story]

• Fifty years ago yesterday The Twilight Zone aired for the first time on CBS. With its combination of great plots and Rod Serling’s veiled commentary, the show has survived in syndication and on DVD, bringing joy to millions. I still love it when I can catch an episode late at night on TV, or any portion of the New Years marathons. In my opinion, The Twilight Zone stands as one of the three shows ever to air on television. The other two would have to be LOST and The Simpsons. If you’ve never seen any episodes of the show, it is never too late to start watching. Every time I view one, even if it is a repeat, I am brought back to my childhood, sitting on the arm of my father’s recliner, watching episode after episode during those 2- or 3-day marathons. Those are happy memories. [story]

• A website in Poland name-checked me recently. Thanks to Google Translate, I was able to decipher the context in which I was cited. Apparently there is a person in Poland who loves to write, and wants to figure out how to make some money from it. The idea he has is to put a PayPal link on his website in the hopes that people will contribute donations, much like they do with my website. The portion of the text that deals with me translates as follows:

“I’m trying to do at least sometimes for money. Now suggests, for establishing an account to PayPal and for the money I paid, he wrote posts in which I extolled the contributors and reported what I did with their cash. As a colleague from abroad (www.swanfungus.com). Although at the same time I do not think this is a bad idea. Although on the other hand I do not think that I can be just as miserable as Evan. But I could always try. Being miserable has always been my priority…”

So there you have it. Apparently I’m miserable, and its somehow enviable! At least…that’s how I interpreted it. What do you think?

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