What dark mysteries of the universe are hidden in that awesome cleavage?

• Good morning, world. I just returned to my apartment from Runyon Canyon, and am currently enjoying a bagel. Then I click onto the New York Times website and their health section is questioning, “Why Doesn’t Exercise Lead To Weight Loss.” They quote a British health journal’s study where “58 obese people completed 12 weeks of supervised aerobic training without changing their diets.” You know, the reason I hate reading the results of all these fancy studies scientists and doctors and pharmaceutical companies perform is because they’re always flawed in some way. Obese people –aside from maybe a genetic predisposition — are obese for a reason: their diet. If you tell a person to exercise for three hours a day, but they keep eating entire Dominos pizzas and bottomless fries at the local Red Robin, they’re not going to lose any weight. The New York Times hinges their argument on this study, which is retarded. For two months I exercised three times a week and tried to cut as many processed foods from my diet as possible. I lost a little over ten pounds. Then McDonald’s monopoly started, I visited my family for ten days, and made stupid decisions like ordering TG Express after softball games. I’m still exercising three days a week, but I’ve put back on 5 pounds. There’s your fucking case study. You can’t just work out and lose weight. Stupid New York Times. No wonder the newspaper industry is dying. [story]

• First draft headline: Wesley Snipes Caught Fleeing Tax Collectors.

• This is the most amazing website since the Highdeas website. It’s called “Frying High,” and it’s basically a Twitter or FML for pot smokers. For example, “One day my friend got so high that he threw up on the ground. I was too high to care. I put the cigarette my friend was holding out in his vomit and let him know how I thought it was the greatest thing ever!” I wish it was all stuff that had just happened (you know, like Twitter), because reading stories like “One time…” are stupid. But still, it’s a fun way to kill an hour or two. Ah, youth. [story]

• Forget about the possibility of tiny black holes and the Large Hadron Collider; scientists are coming up with way more amazing things than that these days. An Australian news source ran an article recently about how an American team of scientists has developed “a mind-reading machine that can produce pictures of what a person is seeing or remembering.” This is, in my opinion, one of the coolest inventions ever. If I were to receive a generous donation of one of these machines, it would serve two very important purposes. First, if I wanted to fantasize about having sex with underage pop-culture starlets, the machine could generate some really hot pictures that I could sell for a veritable fuck-load of money. Secondly, it could help me with my un-photographic memory. People who don’t believe me when I say they look like a LEGO piece or a duck in my mind’s eye would finally see what the hell goes on inside my head when I try to focus on their faces. I want one. [story]

• Here’s another interesting study — this one was conducted by researchers in Spain — says that alcohol “protects men’s health.” In fact, the research team’s findings stated that “drinking alcohol every day cuts the risk of heart disease in men by more than a third.” That’s a pretty hefty chunk of “risk” to be removed from one’s life, don’t you think? Remember what I said earlier about calling all studies bullshit? I’m pretty sure this is the first legitimate study I have ever seen. I drink more than a little alcohol, but if Spanish researchers are telling me that I should be drinking daily — for the sake of my health — I’m not going to ignore them. I need to start drinking more. Use those links on the left column to send me a beer or a donation, and help me get started. Apparently my life depends on it. [story]

• National Geographic is out of its element. A recent article asks, “Could Jupiter’s moon harbor fish-size lief?” Sure, why not. Maybe tomorrow I’ll run an article called, “Can mutant humans dwell at the base of the Mariana Trench?” or, “Will Gail Simmons’ amazing breasts survive in space?” And if you think that one’s intriguing, you won’t believe Monday’s exploration: “Can Megan Fox’s vagina support human life?” Quick answer: No. It’s far, far too diseased. [story]

• Lastly, some UFO website is running a story about how the new television show V might not be so science fiction after all. Maybe the aliens are already among us. Maybe they’ve infiltrated the highest levels of our government in anticipation of their civilization’s arrival. Maybe all this “global warming” is really just them terraforming Earth. Maybe someday I’ll get to bang-out with a super-slutty lizard chick with a tongue in the back of her vagina. Maybe then I won’t care about the inevitable invasion. I’m sure any rational male wouldn’t either. [story]

Caetano Veloso – Superbacana
San Dimas – Jet [Paul McCartney]
Expo ‘70 – Hamadryad (edit)

1 Comment »

| del.icio.us | Digg it! | reddit | StumbleUpon