• Um, why wasn’t I alerted to this sooner? It seems that my future ex-wife, Gail Simmons, was on the CBS morning news show a few weeks ago teaching housewives across America how to cook on a budget. The segment, “Super Healthy Meal on a Budget,” is still available on the CBS News website for your masturbating viewing pleasure. The funny thing is, I had no idea Gail knew how to cook. I just thought she was a writer or editor for Food & Wine Magazine. Now that I know she can prepare a meal, my boner for her is bigger than ever. Just watch the heaving chest of Gail Simmons LeVine and you will absolutely fall in love, just like I have. It’s mesmerizing. [story]

• Little Glenn Branca (wait, isn’t he in his sixties?) has sand in his vagina. Apparently he thinks music is totally over, and we’re just recycling the same garbage over and over. Glenn must be a genius, because I’ve never heard anyone say anything so revolutionary about the state of modern music! What an eye-opening editorial, Glenn! It’s so true — music is nothing more than sounds blaring in shopping mails or boring us in elevators. Stop being such an old fart, man. You’re a great composer. You have no reason to bitch so much. Don’t be one of those annoying avuncular curmudgeons who talk about the “old days” when people made new and exciting music. Worst. Op-Ed. Ever. [story]

• Holy shit. You guys. A researcher at the Bulgarian national Space Research Institute says not only are aliens living here on Earth right now, they are in contact with us right now! DID YOU HEAR THAT? BULGARIA HAS A SPACE PROGRAM! This is the most shocking news story I’ve read in, like, months. [story]

• I’ll read any article whose first sentence says, “Psychedelic drug booster Daniel Pinchbeck doesn’t know if December 21st, 2012 will spell out Doomsday for the planet.” And while I love the fact that this guy is a “drug booster,” I don’t understand what the hell that has to do with the Mayan calendar and the day the world will supposedly end. Or, so say the 2012 enthusiasts, who I like to refer to as “fags”. You know what? No. I’m not going to give another second of my life to these idiots. I don’t care about 2012. Nothing is going to happen. The world is not going to end. I’m done with this bullshit. I don’t care. I don’t want to read or hear another word about it. [story]

• That’s it, kids. I have only four Weekly World (W)news stories to share this week. Right now I’m in Toluca Lake at the lovely home of friends Sebastian and Sarah (whom we lovingly call “Quiggs”). Nicci, Tom, Maryn and myself are here watching LOST, which the adorable couple — and splendid hosts — are currently viewing for the first time. The party has requested that I write about each person who is here right now, so that they can feel special for being mentioned on a real life web blog! So, here goes…

• Nicci – is wearing a very cute new sweater today. It’s is soft and gray. She thinks she’s gotten fat this week from eating too much, but she’s just being girly. She just reminded me I need to stop staring at the TV screen and focus on this blog entry. I think she’s jealous that I opened with a story about Gail Simmons…but she knows I love her more than Gail. I think.
• Maryn – made a delicious pumpkin pie that we all ate tonight. She likes drinking Barefoot Pinot Grigio, and being loud and funny. She’s also Nate’s older sister! I like Maryn because even when I make a really bad attempt to say something funny (which happens way more often than not) she will laugh heartily.
• Quiggs – is dating Sebastian. She’s an event manager at a big venue in Hollywood, and an all around great person. She hosted Thanksgiving dinner at her palatial home in the valley. She is proficient at both Set Back and Cranium, and is a LOST convert. During the show’s first four episodes, she sat in a corner drinking and cursing at the screen. Now she is hooked on the show, probably more so than her boyfriend Sebastian.
• Sebastian – is a tall German fellow who dates “Quiggs”. He owns his own business, which has nothing to do with killing Jewish people! He likes to golf, smoke cigarettes and drink. He speaks with an accent. I like Sebastian because a few minutes ago I made a really illogical joke about premature ejaculation and he was the only person the room who understood what the hell I was trying to say.
• Tom – You might remember Tom from such blog entries as The One About Palm Springs. Tom is one of Nicci’s roommates, and he works with Quiggs sometimes, when he’s not being an extra on silly television shows like Grey’s Anatomy and…uh…that other one he was telling us about that time I wasn’t really listening.
• Me – I’m Evan. I run this here website. I enjoy long walks on the beach, snorkling, and vibrating cock rings. I’m busy watching an episode of LOST right now, so I can’t be bothered to write any more biographical information about myself. If you want to know more, read any other entry in this blog. They’re all about me.

Okay, I’ve got to pay attention to this episode (”The Man From Tallahassee”), because it’s so damned good.

Edward Ka-Spel – A Missing Piece (edit)

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