Before I begin this open letter to Coca-Cola Company, I’d like to make two announcements:

1) The wonderful folks at Temporary Residence Ltd. were kind enough to donate a prize for this week’s Swan Fungus poll. The topic this week — as you can see by looking at the left side-bar — is choose your favorite Black Heart Procession album. After one week, a registered Swan Fungus user will be chosen at random to receive a copy of the band’s newest album, Six, a beautiful double-LP set that may or may not be pressed on limited edition colored vinyl. The label only pressed 600 copies on opaque red and black streaked vinyl, so I don’t know for sure if they shipped this sealed copy before or after they ran out. That doesn’t much matter, the music is what matters, and the new BHP album is wonderful. So, register an account and vote on this poll to have a chance to win free vinyl (plus some posters and a sticker!).

2) I’m drinking beers right now. Mikeller All Others Pale and Shipyard Smashed Pumpkin. As I was leaving the beer store I remembered how much I love drinking beer. Then I realized that I haven’t written a “Drunk On Your Donations” post in quite some time. Why? Well, that’s easy: I haven’t received a donation from anyone other than Stephen in Japan in several months! So, if you’re not Stephen in Japan, you should make a donation to the website and you will be rewarded with a personalized blog post detailing how I got drunk on your donation.

Now onto the real blog post, my letter to Coca-Cola.

***

Dear Coca-Cola,

I love your carbonated beverages. Your “soda,” I guess you could call it. I have been drinking Coke since my mother cut the cord and allowed me to start drinking things other than juices, milk and water. I was probably in elementary school at the time, but that’s not really important to this letter. Let’s just say I have been hooked on your soda for well over a decade. Hell, I’ve even tried to quit Coke cold turkey, and the longest I have ever gone without it is a few weeks. I always return, because I am addicted, and it tastes so fucking good. I’m not even turned off when I accidentally type or write the word “cock” instead of Coke. I am not ashamed when I make a “I love drinking cock” typo. It’s all good, cock or Coke or whatever. In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that I type “cock” instead of Coke at least 85% of the time. Whatever.

I’ve flirted with other Coca-Cola products. Cherry Coke and Vanilla Coke are both delicious, and at times I have sworn off the Classic for these two variations. I even went so far as to try the regular Coca-Cola with Lime, but it sucked. Diet Coke with Lime is really good, though. Sprite is fine, Fanta is a little gay, the rest sucks. Fuck Coke Zero and all that shit. That’s stupid.

The point of my letter today is to inform you of something you already know. It’s pretty much something everybody knows, but you guys must be retarded or something, because you haven’t capitalized on the idea yet. I was at Subway yesterday eating a buffalo chicken submarine sandwich, and I decided to make my fountain drink a mixture of Sprite and Coke. Usually when I make this mixture, I go for about a 37 / 63 split, using more Coke than Sprite. It’s delicious. You know this. I’m sure it’s the most common question you get from your soda fans: Why don’t you market this as a soft drink?. In fact, why don’t you offer Suicide as a soft drink? You know what a Suicide is, right? It’s when you run the line at the soda fountain and combine Coke with Diet Coke, Fanta, Sprite, Barq’s, Hi-C Fruit Punch and Lemonade. Kids all over the country know about Suicide. It’s amazing. It tastes way too much like Root Beer no matter how little you use, but so what, it’s awesome! You should make this the next official Coca-Cola product you roll out. I wouldn’t call it Suicide, though. You might give kids the wrong idea. It’s hard to market something that is named after the act of killing yourself. You probably pay people millions of dollars a year to name your beverages; renaming Suicide is a job best left to those nerds.

At the very least, you need to make Coke/Sprite your next Coke product. I think that might be the best soda I’ve ever had. Don’t call it Cike or Kike or anything, because that might offend some Jewish-born people. What about Srpoke or Crite or something like that? Maybe make an anagram of Coke and Sprite. How about:

Cop Kiester – Cop Ass might not be the best way to market a new soft drink, what with the detractors who will make fun of it for “tasting like ass,” but it’s a cool name.
Tike Corpse – A drink named after a dead baby? Sign me up.
Epic Stroke – Could be synonymous with a great hand job. Wouldn’t you want to drink something that was powerful enough to make you climax? I would.
Toker’s Epic – I think running the line at a Coke fountain is something that was original conceived by other little kids or stoners. Let’s pretend it was the stoners. They’ll love a drink dedicated to them.
Spick Otero – Otero is Spanish for “Isolated Hill,” so if you’re bummed about my nixing “Kike” you can still use this offensive name.

Okay, Coca-Cola, I’ve given you a lot to think about. I really hope somebody at the company can respond to this letter, because I would be interested to hear more about both previous flirtations with marketing these two beverages, and how often you hear from Coke fans how much they desire these soft drinks. I’m telling you, you’re sitting on a gold mine. The economy is bad and — let’s face it — the soda industry isn’t getting any younger. I think it’s time we inject some new blood into the old guard and show the world you’re not afraid of change. Let’s make Suicide (name pending) and Tike Corpse happen!

Sincerely Yours,
Evan LeVine
Noted Soft Drink Enthusiast

2 Comments »

| del.icio.us | Digg it! | reddit | StumbleUpon