last night i met the woman of my dreams. her name is misty and she’s a dancer. we met at the greased hole, just outside of town. she ordered steak and eggs, i had a muffin and a cup of tea. we spoke for hours about our lives and, god, it was just the most intense experience i’ve ever had in my entire life. i mean, sure she’s only got 3 fingers on one hand and she’s missing an ear, but she’s promised me she’s not affiliated with the chinese mafia anymore, so i have nothing to worry about by marrying her and making her citizenship totally legal. we’re both very excited. i was hoping you wouldn’t mind being my best man at the ceremony? we were always like brothers, and it would mean a lot to me. thanks, man.

sincerely yours, mark wahlberg