Bono Chimes In With A Top Ten List

That’s it. I can’t write any more top ten lists. The format is officially dead. Obsolete. Why? Because Bono — with his most recent guest editorial for the New York Times — has killed it. How can I, a writer who prides himself on creating a safe haven for disenfranchised cynics, allow myself to engage the same activities as that ostentatious little douche they call Bono. I would lose every ounce of credibility I’ve been perpetually losing and attempting to regain since launching this blog. I swear to God, I think Bono reads this website. I think he reads it, and he’s been spending his time searching for a way to beat me. At the end of the day, his pea-sized brain must have realized that the only way to defeat me would be to co-opt the thing that means most to me and make it his own. That way, if I were to capitulate and pen another top ten list, I would be lowering myself to his level. Fuck, maybe Bono is a genius! He’s figured out how to completely deflate me. I can’t do it. I can’t do what he does. I don’t think I could live with myself if ever I did something that I knew Bono has done. Fuck you, Bono, you untalented piece of shit. Fuck you to hell.

The only upside to this tragedy is that I have a new opportunity to make fun of Bono at the expense of his poor writing. He begins his editorial by stating an opinion: top ten lists are too common, and thus they are stupid. Then he says, “in the spirit of rock star excess,” he wants to write his own. Trust me, if anyone knows about rock star excess, it’s Bono. Drawing attention away from your terrible music with elaborate light shows and stage decor is the showman’s equivalent of driving a Porche to overcompensate for your small dick. It should come as no surprise that Bono is well-versed in such extravagances.

Rather than adhere to the strict “Year-End list” principles laid out by every other writer, Bono has a novel idea: look forward, not backward! And so he begins his list of ten ideas that will make the next ten years more interesting. Notably absent from the list: Stop making music. An end to the derivative, hackneyed songs Bono and U2 burden the ears of the world with would be a welcome change. It would certainly make the world a more interesting place for people who enjoy listening to music. But, like any overpaid celebrity goon with a pen, Bono scribbles the first item of his list, and of course it’s about intellectual property rights. For all the guy’s faults (and really, he’s full of them — he’s the opposite of faultless), he’s managed to amass quite a fortune. He doesn’t need more money. His record label, and his bandmates, and his big-shot friends don’t need any more money. I love how he claims that piracy is really only hurting “the young, fledgling songwriters who can’t live off ticket and t-shirt sales.” Yeah, because they are so often the targets of major piracy rings. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard about crooks in China and Russia — as the world’s leading purveyors of pirated music — peddling Touch & Go albums in the streets. No one in those countries wants to hear to U2!

Next, Bono writes three paragraphs that make absolutely no sense. Something about making cars sexy again? But then he compares cars to men and women and his analogy is lost on me. His conclusion is that to make a car sexy you have to have Steve Jobs and Frank Gehry design it. Yeah, that makes sense. I’m sure those guys want to stop doing what they’re doing to go to work for the American automotive industry. What are you, fucking retarded? Get your head out of your ass and think of a feasible idea for making the next ten years interesting. You’re 0 for 2.

Make that 0 for 3. He wants to arouse peace in the Middle East by (and this is hilarious) having an arts festival to celebrate the origins of the three Abrahamic religions. Amazing! Why hasn’t anyone thought of until now? Oh, right…because they’re not Bono. They’re not that inane. Yeah, Bono will bring peace to the Middle East. Let me guess…who is going to headline this arts festival? Maybe…U2? Gag me with a spoon.

Oh, and one of the best parts of his editorial is the part where Bono talks about medical science. He admits he lacks a medical pedigree, but don’t you dare assume a lack of schooling or training is going to keep Bono from adding some worthless “factoid” about medicine in order to make you think he’s smarter than the typical rock star. Don’t expect Bono to credit anyone with that “factoid,” he doesn’t possess enough humility to give anybody else credit.

I stopped reading about the time Bono mentioned the “people power and the upside-down pyramid.” Aside from the fact that he’s verbose, his writing tone is so goddamned pretentious it makes me want to slit my wrists. It makes me want to stab myself in the chest. Multiple times. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? If you read this without knowing the author is fucking Bono, you would swear the author had a Jesus complex. Bono, can’t you take it easy just once with your stupid Bono persona and, you know, maybe tone yourself down a dozen notches? Do you realize how many people think you are a joke? I hesitate to say “Die,” but you’re starting to leave me no other option. I need you to…no, the world needs you to just go away. Go away for a very long time, and don’t open your mouth. Not even to sing. No one wants to hear that shrill yowl of yours this decade. I certainly don’t.

Better yet, why don’t you go to the Middle East and try to solve some problems there. Bring peace to the region. I dare you. Sit down with the governments, Hamas leaders — definitely sit down with Hamas — and see if you can’t work something out. Viva La (Nonviolent) Revolucion, my friend! With any luck, you’ll be taken hostage, and the world won’t have to endure your condescending bullshit for a while.

Do not hesitate. Please leave now. Forget about the next ten years. Life without Bono would make the immediate future much brighter for at least one person.

Marius Contant – The Twilight Zone Main Title
The The – Boiling Point
Glenn Frey – Smuggler’s Blues