So You Want An Internship At Swan Fungus

On Thursday I mentioned that 2010 is going to be a banner year for Swan Fungus. I even issued a vague and cliche edict: “I’m going to take this website to the next level.” The plan is to open an online Museum of Evan, because as narcissistic as this endeavor is, it’s not quite sickening yet. So a museum it is. The exhibits (pages) will be filled with artifiacts from my life. School papers. Girls’ underwear. The keys to my first car. It will be all photographed and scanned. Descriptions will accompany the objects, like what you see at the Museum of Modern Art in New York. Here’s a quick example of how the Museum of Evan will compare to the MoMA:

Fig. 1 - (click to enlarge)

Fig. 2 – (click to enlarge)

I intend for this museum to be as important and vast as the Louvre. So it needs to house many artifacts of great historical and cultural value. I’m sure I will have no problem finding countless cool objects, but I cannot be expected to do all the work myself. I need to hire somebody to help me. That said, I am currently accepting applications for prospective interns. If you are interested in being a part-time life coaching and curator — or are preparing to enter either field upon completing your college education — this may be the perfect opportunity for you.

A rudimentary job description will been presented on this website, but due to the secrecy surrounding the specifics of the project I cannot give too much information away. You will be responsible for the assembly of all Evan-related artifacts you believe are worthy of inclusion in the Museum of Evan. It is your job to separate the kitsch from the lavish, and to draw a blueprint from which the different exhibits will be constructed. Each wing needs a theme, and each theme needs to be broken down into its basic elements. For example: does a movie stub from the showing of Grumpier Men at Loews Cinema on Route 10 in East Hanover, New Jersey (where I fingered the asshole of a girl I didn’t know) belong in the “Maturation Of An Icon” wing, or the “Deviant Sexual Souvenirs” wing? You are the director of the collection. You design the layout and all the components which together form the museum. You will also be responsible for the photographing and scanning of all elements which will be included in the museum. I’ll send you the keys to my mother’s condominium and a layout of the house so you know where all my old schoolbooks are as well as my secret stashes of old love letters and drug paraphernalia. A steady hand and some photography experience is required.

The museum is not the only venture you will be aiding me with in 2010. As my intern, you will also be in charge of menial tasks like:

• Taking out the garbage
• Answering my cell phone.
• Keeping track of my files (and by files I mean pornography and MP3s)
• Making sure there’s always fresh coffee brewing (I don’t drink coffee but someone might want it)
• Organizing and cataloging my record collection (familiarity with Microsoft Excel and Google Docs are a plus)
• Late night taco truck runs
• The occasional blog entry when I do not feel funny.

The best intern candidates should be at least 18 years of age, preferably female (because their organizational skills are more highly developed than that of males), and you must have scored at least a 1200 or higher on your SAT’s. We must be able to have intelligent conversations about business, culture, and sports. When you are given orders, you should not question them. You should smile and say, “Yes, Evan. That was next on my to-do list.” Even if I hadn’t mentioned the task at an earlier time, you are always to respond like this. Also, never speak unless you are holding “the wand of oration.” Furthermore, you should be attractive, because my investors and clients do not like dealing with homely individuals. You are encouraged — but not required — to sleep with potential business partners.

The experience you will have being my intern is invaluable, I assure you. It is not every day I offer opportunities such as these, but with work and obligations beginning to pile up I need to take on some extra help. You will not only be learning all about the intricacies of being an intern. On that note, make sure you never actually use the word “interning” because there is always a better word you can use in its place. Instead of telling people you “intern at Swan Fungus,” you could say, “I go to Lucy’s and do laundry” or “I research homeopathic remedies for swine flu.” Do you see what I mean? The verb intern is such a derivative word it almost always could be substituted by something more exact. See, you’re already learning something and you haven’t even started yet! This is just the beginning. Under my tutelage you will receive valuable tools that will help you in your eventual search for a job. I’m pretty sure I can strengthen your vocabulary.

Of course, if you perform your tasks as intern well, there exists the possibility that you will be hired full-time upon graduation from college. If you desire work in another unrelated field, I will most certainly write you any recommendations you may need.

Please direct all resumes to: swanfungusATgmailDOTcom (replace the word “at” and “dot” with @ and .). If you don’t have a resume you can just say, “Yo, man. I want to work for you” and I will treat it just like a formal job application. Swan Fungus is an equal opportunity employer so long as you are worthy of being considered my equal (sorry, hipsters and ugly people).

Zelienople – Water Saw
Coil – The First Five Minutes After Violent Death
Table – Spindrift