In Which I Request A Job As A Paid Government Informant

Who sent me this article? Was it you Jack? Lindsey or Sam? I don’t have the e-mail in my inbox any more so I can’t find it. Someone sent me this story about a blogger from New Jersey who “claims his Internet tirade was FBI sanctioned.” According to a right-wing blogger, his threats towards federal judges were not meant to be taken seriously. He testified that he was a paid informant for the FBI who was tasked with exposing dangerous neo-Nazis and white supremacists who frequented his blog.

Aside from the fact that this guy is a ring-wing nut who pens uncouth blog posts as a means to “flush out” potentially-harmful individuals, he and I share two very important commonalities. First, we’re both from New Jersey. I don’t live there right now, but I lived there for 25 years. Second, we’re both bloggers. I’m not an insane political person — in fact I could care less about politics — but the fact is we do the same thing as a hobby/wannabe job.

That said, I’m going to use today’s entry to put out some feelers. If anyone who works for a government agency happens to be reading my website today, I want you to know that I’m open to working for you. If you want me to to play pretend and write some inflammatory hate speech in order to smoke out people who could turn violent, I’ll do it. In fact, I want to do it. I’ve had a lot of insane readers contact me through the years, and frankly I’m pretty sure some of them are extremists, or at the very least potential threats to society.

The good news is, my audience is very loyal. And you, anonymous government agent, can rest assured that anything I can and will say on this website will be taken to heart by my readers. No one will ever suspect me of being a paid employee writing for the FBI or CIA or NSA or whoever makes me the best offer. The best part is, I’ve already used a lot of slurs in my writing throughout the last five years, so my transformation into a fringe lunatic should not arouse much suspicion. We can start off really slow with slightly off-color remarks like, “Black people love Twitter # trends?” or “Gays smell like Astroglide!” and as time wears on, my statements can become more and more outlandish. Then whenever someone contacts me to tell me how they’re ready and willing to take up my cause, I can turn them over to you, and you can pay me more money.

So, let’s make this happen. Tell me how you want me to color my anti-government image and I will get this undercover operation started. Once my persona is in place I will begin making absurd tirades that will draw the lurking freaks out of the shadows and into the spotlight. Think of all the lives we can save. You and me, anonymous government agency, we’re going to change the way people use the Internet. And I’ll have created a new, easy revenue stream. While making quick money might seem like my true motive here, I want to let you know, I am one-hundred percent into the idea of helping out my country. That is, if that’s what you want, government agency. I’m malleable. Do with me what you will do. Mold me into something awesome, Mr. Government agent. It would sure beat the hell out of blogging about how much that band your kid loves totally sucks.

By the way, Is now a bad time to let you know that I have near-constant violent rape fantasies involving both the male and female cast members of Gossip Girl.