Rotten McDonalds, Ghosts Of Savannah, 4chan, BDD, STDs & More

Sorry this is going up so late on a Saturday night. It was “date night,” so Nicci and I did the old 1950s dinner and a movie thing. Is that when dinner and a movie was a popular weekend thing for young people? Whatever, it was okay. We saw the movie about the time machine that’s a hot tub. I forget what it’s called. It was pretty funny in a cheeky, let’s-make-an-endless-series-of-blowjob jokes kind of way. Pardon me if I rush through the news update. Sorry in advance for the hypocrisy I will show by turning each news item I write about into an endless series of blowjob jokes.

• I don’t believe this story — not for one second — about the woman who purchased a McDonalds “happy meal” and left it sitting out in her home for one year only to see it barely change its state. It’s just some dumb bitch looking to make the news. If she wanted to prove that her preservative-filled fast food barely decomposed over the course of 365 days she would have photographed it (with a time stamp) 365 times. I’m sorry, but the picture on the right pretty much looks like what any McDonalds meal looks like by the time you get it from the drive through back to your house. Furthermore, aren’t we as a society beyond feeling shock when someone says how bad McDonalds is? We know it’s foul, but we choose to eat it because we all have to foul out sometimes. By the way, the woman who contrived this “experiment” looks like she gives the worst blowjob known to man. [story]

• Reading this article about the ghosts of Savannah, Georgia kind of makes me want to go visit my mom someday soon. Unfortunately my new work schedule and our slim-and-trim roster limits the amount of time I can take off from work. That is to say, I’ll probably never get another day off so long as I work there. It’s a damned shame, too. I would have liked to take a tour of all the haunted places in Savannah. And while in town visiting, I could find a real Southern belle, with nice child bearing hips and a pair of dick sucking lips. You know deep down inside those Confederate bitches love Yankee scum. [story]

• I’ve never used 4chan before in my life. I’m always about five months late to any funny Internet meme because I’m too self-absorbed. I only use the Internet to read my own blog and check my email. Still, a lot of people love Internet memes, and most of them start on that website 4chan, so it was cool to see its creator featured in a New York Times piece recently. I remember when my high school nerd friends and I used to conceive great technological ideas that would change the world. We never did. This kid did, and he’s still pretty humble about it. Way more than I would be if I started that website. I would use my leverage as a famous Internet personality to right all the wrongs from my past. I would track down every girl that I crushed on from the 5th grade until now and make them blow me while I video taped it. Then I’d throw a crumpled up five dollar bill at them just to finish off the degradation with style. [story]

• Elsewhere in the Times (health section) there is an article about body dysmorphic disorder, which is something I’ve suffered through for nearly a decade now. You can’t put me in a room with a mirror or show me a photograph of myself where I won’t pick out some horrifying flaw. I’m not going to discuss it any further because I’d sound like some kind of fag, but that might be one of the most revealing things I’ve ever written about myself. Rather than read through the article and find out how to cope with the disorder, I decided that I would be better off thinking about every time a girl has told me me that she likes something about me only to have me respond, “Shut up.” Once when I was 19 I went to a show at the Bowery Ballroom. I was walking around looking for some friends after the headlining band finished their set. This really cute redhead came over to me and said something like, “Hey. I saw you earlier and noticed your shirt. It’s really awesome. I like it.” I asked if that was her idea of a joke and wondered if someone I knew put her up to it. Had I not focused on what I felt was a defect of mine (shitty clothes, ugly body) I could have fucked the shit out of that redhead. But according to the Times my “problem” can be traced back to “distress over parents’ divorce.” Thanks mom and dad. Add “one blowjob from an under-aged redhead” to the list of things you stole from me when you split up. [story]

• I’m sure you’ve all read this “Facebook linked to rise in syphilis” story by now and had a good laugh at it, but it’s not funny. It’s true. Syphilis is on the rise. You know what else is on the rise that isn’t being linked to Facebook? Chlamydia. Seriously. I’ve been reading the county health rankings website and they’ve been measuring Chlamydia rates all across the country. In Los Angeles, 443 of 100,000 people have Chlamydia, whereas the state target should be about 110. That’s pretty fucked up, and I’m willing to bet that the number of people per 100,000 that use Facebook as compared to the rest of the state is also above the average or target rate or whatever you want to call it. Facebook is bringing all kinds of gross sexually transmitted diseases into the 21st century. You know what I think? Kids are fucking whores these days. [story]

• Listen, I don’t fuck around with psychedelic drugs. You wouldn’t either if you had my genetic makeup. I’m that rare case where my first acid trip would result in being institutionalized for the rest of my life. I’m very much in tune with my psychological state and have spent years coming to terms with where (and who) I came from, what I can and can’t do to my body and my mind, and I’m about as close to positive as can be that I shouldn’t touch acid. That said, this article questioning whether a French city went crazy due a secret American mind-control experiment involving LSD is a cool time waster if you’re bored at work. If that doesn’t help, you can open up Wikipedia and read all about Topsy. I think her electrocution video is still available to watch also. Yeah, it is. The Internet sure is remarkable. Blowjob. [story]

• What the hell is this shit? I have to read on CNN that women keep “perfect man” lists? What kind of bullshit is that. Nothing on Earth is perfect, especially man. You women can’t seriously expect us to meet every single criteria you have for whatever sick fantasy you’ve dreamed up for yourself and your future. It’s not realistic. It’s irrational. It’s insane. Holy shit, I’m reading this article and apparently it’s true. Women actually carry around lists. Fine, you want to be all high and mighty and hold onto your list and not tell me the truth about it? Okay, here’s my list. The “perfect woman” list. Hot. Doesn’t talk. Comes from money. Knows her way around a dick. Doesn’t age. There, that’s my list. Perfect. [story]

Christina Carter – Death
The Chameleons – Tomorrow Never Knows
U.S. Christmas – Silent Tongue
LaVice & Company – Thoughs Were The Days