The State Of The Blog Address: 2010

President Evan (center), Vice President Jack (right), Speaker Of The Ho’s Ken (left)

“Mr. Web browser, The Presdient Of The…blog…thingy.”

“My fellow readers. It’s hard to believe that after five years of loyal service, you all continue to elect me leader of this website. I might not have any competition, but the unanimous victories still mean a lot to me. Think about it…five years. What were you doing five years ago? Do you want to know what I was doing five years ago? I’ll tell you, because this is my introductory paragraph and I’m not sure what else I can say to greet you tonight. Five years ago I was getting really high and playing MVP Baseball for Nintendo GameCube. Between that, playing guitar, and going to class once or twice a week, my days were beginning to feel like a most torturous, pathetic routine. That’s when I decided to start a blog. And though my thumbs were caloused from video game controllers, and my head filled with dead brain cells, I started writing. This ingenious decision of mine is why we’re gathered here today. We’re also here to masturbate my ego, but mostly we’re here to celebrate five years of annoying rants peppered with the occasional intelligent thought. Last year I stood before you and promised to reach new lows for Internet-based journalism. I promised 2009 would be the start of something really, really big. In some ways, I was right. In some other, more accurate ways, I was wrong.”

[standing ovation]

“Last year Swan Fungus was visited roughly 800 times per day. Over the past 365 days, that number has swelled to 1,029 per day. That might not seem like a lot, but when you take into account the fact that I’m not really doing or saying anything, that number begins to sound frighteningly large. Over 250,000 people visited this page since the last State Of The Blog Address. That’s higher than the population of Nassau, the largest city of the Bahamas. The Swan Fungus Alexa ranking has improved from 614,397 up to 562,848. That means I’m almost one of the half-million most visited websites on the entire Internet. Within the United States, Swan Fungus is the 367,480th most-visited website. The Quantcast rating improved from 269,279 to 194,493. That’s right, I have obliterated both of the targets I specified last March: womenintrucking.org and robertrandolph.net. Within the next 365 days I expect to overtake both kickassbbq.com and itzablackthang.com! Technorati, which last year showed Swan Fungus cracking the top 100,000 blogs in the world, has been very kind to us this year. We currently rank 27,454! By next year we will absolutely crack the top 15,000.

“Don’t you even begin to question whether or not Swan Fungus is still relevant. Swan Fungus blog posts are still being syndicated by large news organizations across the country. I don’t quite understand why, but just last week The Chicago Sun Times shared my RENT review with their online audience. Honestly? Your guess is as good as mine. Referral traffic from both Facebook and Twitter increased exponentially this year. When the hottest social networking websites in existence are contributing to the expansion of the Swan Fungus empire, it’s hard to deny the state of our blog.”

[standing ovation]

“Last year I made some big promises. I swore to continue Treasures From The Collectors Slum, and by doing so I’ve helped provide some incredibly rare, hard to find music to you. Friday Top Ten lists have not died, though they’re not as funny anymore. Interviews were conducted with Rebekah Weikel (Penny-Ante), Barbra Ann McMillan (Anna Black), Jose “Pepe” Gomez (Chango), Bob L. Sturm, Christopher Mosley (Early Lines/Nouns Group), William Fowler Collins, MassDIPPAH and Paul Levinson. Guest Writers in 2009 included my girlfriend, Jet, kT Evans, Z, Marika, “Burrito Esquire”, and Jon! 2010 will bring even more new perspectives to the blog, as I search for more guest writers to share their opinions with my readers.

“2010 is going to be crazier than you could possibly imagine. There will be more Interviews with bigger names. Weekly Polls and contests will reward registered Swan Fungus readers with cool prizes. I will fuck Gail Simmons in the ass. I swear to God, I will fuck her in her ass. LOST ends in May, so anticipate regular reviews to continue until that time. There will be much more bile heaved upon those disgusting “indie” icons the mainstream so adores. Big, big travel plans are slowly forming. Hell, there could very well be a first ever Swan Fungus social gathering this year. Most of all, you can anticipate many new antics that should enable Swan Fungus to ascend to the next level of online popularity. 2010 is going to be the best and brightest year yet. I have no doubts about that. The State Of The Blog is strong my friends. Do not worry, the end of the blog will not come. As long as I’m poor and as long as I’m still breathing, I will do my best to make you laugh or cry or cringe. Also, I need to find a way to make this thing profitable.

“Lastly, I want to thank Seth Zirin, Stephen Carter and Louise Altmann for your generous donations this year. And to everybody who supports this website by commenting, e-mailing me or stalking me on Facebook, thank you so much for your kindness and your hatred. You are why I still try to post every day. I mean, if I didn’t post every day I think my neuroses and lewd thoughts might drive me insane or lead to some kind of criminal action. Sometimes it feels like our country and our world are on the brink of complete collapse, be it from social forces, natural disasters, or whatever. If I can take your mind off being in the shit for a few minutes and present you with something that’s funny and horrifying, it helps me feel accomplished and important. No matter what is happening in your life, you can count on me to lead you into a fiery horrible abyss. You will follow me, genitals in hand, because you have nothing better to do. I love you all and I promise not to disappoint in 2010. Once again I must repeat: the state of the blog is strong! Stay tuned.”

Feel free to leave any comments about tonight’s address or predictions for 2010 below, in what I’m temporarily calling “Spin Alley.”