I used to get a lot of my news items from Swan Fungus friend and mysterian Hornet Montana. Now he’s started his own blog! Check out Hornet Montana for crazy stories about secret society meetings, conspiracy theories and sci-fi religious zealotry. He’s only posted a handful of times so far, but I’ve laughed at least once per post! Considering how little I enjoy reading blogs, I’d say that’s pretty impressive. In anticipation of his newfound venture, I believe he sent me several e-mails this week pointing me to “newsworthy” stories to which I should direct my readers. Let the feast of absurdities begin!
• A cat named after Osama bin Laden was born with the word “Allah” apparently inscribed in its fur. The article does not provide a close-up of the inscription, nor does it show us the imprinted moon and star that also appear on the feline. Oh well, at least Osama’s owner is super psyched about the “sign” he has received from God. Look, I’m all for journalists publishing retarded news stories about stupid religious images appearing in everyday objects (like the word “Allah” on a cat named Osama, for example). But, I just think… this doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well. Maybe it’s the cat named after the terrorist. Maybe it’s the owner being overjoyed by the appearance of a “sign” from God. Don’t ask me why, but I don’t have a good feeling about it. [story]
• Hey, if a friend of mine can run for governor of California, why can’t a vampire run for president in 2012? I would have no problem with Jonathon “The Impaler” appearing on the GOP ticket in 2012, because I’m pretty sure he would lose. It might not help his campaign that his photograph attached to this CBSNews article depicts him clad in a black robe holding a sword above his head in a defensive position. As much as I want to see some new candidates in 2012, I’m not sure a vampire really knows what’s best for this country, nor do I believe “The Impaler” would improve many of the societal ills we’re currently trying to fix. What if something horrible happens to America or one if it’s foreign interests at lunchtime? Could our president even be stirred from his slumber in order to address us? What about the bloodlust? If so much as one virgin turns up at his State of the Union address, could he control his vampire urges and forgo an attack in lieu of giving a speech? These are the kinds of questions that need to be answered if I’m going to throw my support behind a presidential candidate. [story]
• Is LOST worth angering your girlfriend? This Vanity Fair piece argues that “Yes!” it is. And I have to agree. [story]
• A poor guy in Australia caught shoplifting at a supermarket the other day. He was found trying to put a beef tongue in his pants. Once captured, he was found hiding rump steaks, lamb chops, limes and onions. Look, I’ve been caught once or twice with a cow’s tongue in my pants, too. And it’s not something I’m proud to admit. In fact, it’s really embarrassing. There was one time at my friend Mike’s house, and then once at overnight camp. I still have horrible nightmares about those shocking moments when my friends spied me with a heifer’s tongue in my pants. I’m awoken from sleep by the awful sounds of vicious laughter and name-calling. So, in a way, I know just how this fellow feels. In another way, I know nothing about how he feels, because I wasn’t caught shoplifting. I was just caught with a fat chick. [story]
• Last night Nicci and I made our own sweet potato fries (baked, not fried) with a homemade lemon-basil aioli. Then today I found an article about some of the least-healthy french fries in America. Of course I’m going to share the list with you. Not because I care about keeping you from turning into a fat slob, but because it gives me space to brag about how many of these “Worst French Fries” I’ve consumed. I’ve had Arby’s curly fries, and let me tell you — they’re about the only redeeming factor at an Arby’s. That place freaks me out. When I see one I feel like I’m looking at a breeding ground for food-borne illnesses. So what if a large serving contains 640 calories? That’s not so bad, I just won’t drink a large soda and I’ll be pretty okay. I’ve never had Jack In The Box Bacon Cheddar Wedges, because I refuse to eat at Jack In The Box. You know how some people love videos of girls being shit on, but for some reason they’re horrified and appalled by videos of girls being thrown up on? That’s how I am about Jack In The Box. I love fast food like you wouldn’t believe, but if you so much as talk about that place I’ll immediately lose all respect for you. Apparently there are still Dairy Queens in America, so don’t eat their Chili Cheese Fries. Five Guys regular fries are pretty great. I don’t remember if I had an order of large fries when I was there last, but if I did I consumed almost 1,500 calories before I even had a chance to shove their awesome double cheeseburger down my throat. Apparently McDonald’s has the best fries in America, as their small serving contains only 230 calories. When does Monopoly game start again? [story]
• The New York Times says that even if you run every morning, if you work sitting down you are never going to be in shape. Sorry, cubicle zombies, you’re gonna die of heart disease because you’re all lazy pieces of shit. [story]
• The New York Times also thinks that couples who fight publicly on Facebook are awesome. I would agree, but I’m so self-absorbed I don’t even read what other people are submitting as their current status on the social networking website. I pretty much look at pictures of girls from my past and e-mail the people who find me through my blog asking, “Who the fuck are you? Do I know you?” Other than that, you know, there was Farkle for a while. Now I guess I just use it as a photo album. Still, if I ever see a couple fighting through Facebook status updates, I guess I’ll think it’s awesome too. And people think print media is dead? With no-nonsense reporting like this, the Times sure is proving itself to be an exception to the theory that newspapers are irrelevant. [story]
• “Can anyone improve upon the classic burger?” TIME magazine posed that question a few weeks ago. I think I’ve eaten enough to know the answer to that question, and it’s “Yes.” Go to Slater’s 50/50 in Anaheim and tell me the burger has nowhere else to go. Seriously. Where else are you going to get a half-pound patty that is 50% ground beef and 50% bacon (mmm…bacon), topped with gruyere (or pesto goat cheese), sardines, cranberry sauce, eggs over easy, peanut butter and jelly, and baconaise? I mean, I would never eat that burger, but the originality of their toppings and the half-bacon patty makes it totally original. So there, TIME magazine. The answer is “Yes!” [story]
Dzyan – The Road Not Taken
White Hills – Countin’ Sevens
March 19th, 2010
Evan, your praise: such a joy. You are right on the money, A OK! In a word: word.