Loading ...Minions! Go Forth And Preach The Gospel Swan Fungus!
By Evan ~ April 8th, 2010. Filed under: rant.
Friend Of Swan Fungus Hornet Montana has been e-mailing me some fascinating stories that he would like to see coverage of on this here blog. By the way, are you reading his new blog? It’s fantastic. It’s the most far out thing since the discovery of galaxy A1689-zD1. Of these stories he e-mailed me was one from the website Blogs.com called “10 Best Los Angeles Blogs.” He wondered why there was no mention of Swan Fungus. A good question, because this website — which based in LA — is the most important sociological experiment of our time. The answer, of course, is because I rarely write LA-centric posts. If I did, people would not like what I have to say. I don’t hate the city or anything, I just don’t care to put forth the effort to keep up with local happenings. That’s not what this page is supposed to be about. It’s about me, and you, and writing taboo words and making poop jokes, being brutally honest about things and not caring when people leave comments calling us idiots. I mean, they’re mostly calling me an idiot, but by extension that means you’re an idiot because you’re here. Anyway, my point is, I’m not worried about being outside the top ten Los Angeles blogs. I’m worried about being outside any of the top ten blogs lists on Blogs.com.
There are lot of top ten blog lists on that website. As far as I know, I have only made one of them: Top 10 Music Blogs You Haven’t Heard (or Read). That was a nice treat. Other than that, I don’t think I’ve made any of their lists. Clearly you people aren’t spreading the gospel Swan Fungus, or I would have been included on many of these lists. There are perfectly reasonable explanations for why Swan Fungus has been glanced over while compiling these top tens. Why aren’t I one of the Top Ten Liquor blogs? Because only a handful of you have donated money to Swan Fungus so that I can buy beer and blog about it. This is the same reason Swan Fungus does not rank on either “Pete Brown’s Favourite Beer Culture Blogs” or “10 Great Beer Blogs”. Other than the fact that I don’t have time to travel with my stupid work schedule, there’s no reason Swan Fungus should not appear on the top ten travel writing blogs. It is an absolute insult that I was not included on the “Top 10 Emerging Artists Blogs,” because you and I both know I’m as talented as anyone else in the world, if not more so. To omit my various creative endeavors is to profess artistic ignorance. Why the hell wasn’t I recommended for “A College Girl’s 10 Favorite 20-Something Blogs”? Is it because my writing style implies that I hate women? Because that’s not fair. That’s so sexist of you. I know I’ve only blogged about LOST a dozen or so times, but to leave me off the list of the the “10 Best LOST Blogs” is criminal.
Okay, so there are a lot of Top Ten Lists on Blogs.com, and Swan Fungus is represented on only one of them. This can be attributed to one simple fact: my readers are not storming the Internet spreading the word about this website. It’s always nice to see someone submit an entry to Reddit or Digg or StumbleUpon, but if I’m going to emerge from the depths of the blog-o-sphere and make it big, I need you guys to take to the message boards and social networking websites screaming and hollering until people have no other choice but to read Swan Fungus. My readers should make like members of Fight Club’s Project Mayhem and pepper the Internet with Swan Fungus links. You can start with the Blogs.com comments section. Spreading the word is the first step to complete Internet domination.
Listen. I know there are a good number of people who read this website every day. And if you want to see this website rise to new heights, think of yourself as my henchmen (I can’t say henchpeople, no girls read my blog). You must go out and do my bidding. It won’t take more than a minute or two of your time each day, but your goal is clear: bring me the souls of as many Internet users as you can. That’s all I ask. Once they’re here, I’ll do my job and keep them here. And soon enough, we’ll have a zombie army large enough to control the entire web. We’ll make every goddamned Top Ten Blogs list on the motherfucking ‘net. Go forth, minions! Preach the gospel Swan Fungus!
A Silver Mt. Zion – This Gentle Hearts Like Shot Bird’s Fallen – (Purchase From Amazon.com)
Sun Araw – Get Low – (Purchase From Amazon.com)
April 9th, 2010 at 6:03 am
Dude..I read your blog every day. Do I not count as a girl? Not that it matters…I’d rather be called a henchman than a henchperson.