Ian sent me this Gothamist article today along with some choice statistics. “The NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene is concerned after a report suggests that woman aren’t practicing safe sex habits: ‘More than 100,000 New York City women engage in anal intercourse each year, according to a new report from the Health Department, and many are not taking the steps needed to prevent HIV and other sexually transmitted infections.’ While 61% of men who have sex with other men use condoms during anal sex, only 23% of women are.”
If New York City has about 19 million residents, and roughly 52% of the population there are women, that’s about 9.98 million women currently living in the city. And only 100,000 have butt sex? That’s like, 1.01% of women! How would one go about using these numbers to calculate the odds known New York City resident Gail Simmons willingly engages in butt sex? Are any of my readers statisticians? Vegan Nick, do you still read this page or have you been scared off by my feigned misogyny? Someone out there reading this has to know a little bit about math. I just want to know…if I move back east in the next couple years am I going to have a shot at Gail’s ass or not?
Oh, cool! There’s an entire .PDF of data available to read that has even more numbers we can crunch! Hmm, if I wanted to find out my exact odds of blowing Gail’s back out, where would I begin? “30% of women aged 15 to 44 years of age have had anal sex at some point in their lives.” Is that a nationwide number or localized? The notation implies that the number represents the entire United States. Still, Gail is between the ages of 15 and 44, so there’s almost a one-in-three chance she’s gotten her ass reamed at least once before. Also, the survey seems to contain different numbers and percentages than those deduced above. They cite 105,000 women (aged 18-64) have participated in butt sex within the last year. They say that’s 5.6% of women. That seems a little high given the population of the city, but these guys seem like they’re pretty on the ball with their numbers, so I’ll accept these findings. I’ll believe anything that increases my odds, I guess…
Okay, if you look at the graph titled “Anal sex by age among New York City women who were sexually active in the past year,” you will see that Gail Simmons (34 years old) falls into the age range of which 7% of sexually active women got fucked in their asses. Gail is (unfortunately) married, so we should assume that she’s indeed sexually active. I know… I try not to think about it either. Gail Simmons. The woman of my dreams*. Giant tits. Alien eyes. Horrible fashion sense. Refined palate. She’s sexually active…with another guy. It’s sickening. Even more bad news: she’s not Asian. Asian women accounted for the highest percentage of sodomites in the city last year. 8% of ‘em took it in the pooper. Compare that to 7% of white women (born in Toronto, Gail is about as white as can be), and my odds decrease slightly. Good thing she’s not black. For all the talk about African American women and their behinds, they sure don’t like their butts being intruded. Only 4% of black women in New York had anal last year.
Here’s a little graph of my own I just whipped up in Photoshop. As you can plainly see, none of the statistics or fancy polls provided by the New York City Department Of Health and Mental Hygiene matter. If I can just find a way to encounter Gail Simmons, it will most assuredly open the door to at least one instance of ass fucking. Check out those odds. Once she and I meet (if she doesn’t immediately reach for the pepper spray) I have no doubt that the real Evan (the one who receives rave reviews from 9 out of 10 conservative mothers, not the one who writes creepy blog posts like this one) will coax her into submission. It will take less than five encounters for Gail to see that I don’t want to harm her, I just want to become friends with her. The kind of friendship that I believe includes willful anal intrusion sans force. I know you’re reading this, Gail. Look at that graph. Look at it and understand that it’s science. There will be butt sex, Gail. There will be butt sex.
To view the original Gothamist article click here.
To view the original PDF document published by the New York City Department Of Health And Mental Hygiene, click here.
I think this is the creepiest blog post I have ever written. I need to shower.
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* Just kidding. Everyone knows my girlfriend is much more attractive than Gail Simmons.
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